Why I Probably Shouldn’t Do Stand-Up

September 9th, 2006 Posted in Quick Bits

“See, white people be driving like this…” [mimes person driving in awkward way] “…but other white people be driving in a vastly different manner. It takes all kinds, really.”

* * * *“Why is it that the little black box is the only thing that survives a plane crash? Here’s an idea: why not use the same stuff you make the black box with, and coat the passengers with it? Also, why crash at all? It just seems silly.”

* * * *“Can someone explain to me these Hari Krishnas who hang around at airports? What’s the deal with these guys? One of them came up to me recently and asked me if I wanted to learn how to achieve eternal bliss. I had no amusing response to him at all, I was so floored. I gave him some change and listened politely, then took one of his pamphlets and read it on the plane. It might not be for me, but it’s a very interesting religion nonetheless. Food for thought.”

* * * *“Anyone wonder what Jack Nicholson might look like if he was taking your order at a McDonalds? I think it might look… a little something like this…”

[wheels TV and DVD player on a trolley out from behind curtain; cues up footage of Jack Nicholson taking change for a Big Mac combo meal at McDonalds, asking if the customer would like to biggie-size their order, then filling the order in record time]

“I tell you, we get so involved with celebrities, I think we sometimes forget they’re still people. This footage really impressed me. How much time do I have left?”

“Alright, show of hands for the ladies here: Who here is positive their man has never slept around?” [counts raised hands] “That is… wow. That is really touching. You hang onto them, ladies. That’s beautiful. Okay, show of hands: Can anyone lend me twenty dollars?”

“So I’m smoking a cigarette yesterday, and this non-smoker comes up to me and is all…” [mimes high-pitched coughing] “And she tells me, ‘Sir, please put that out. You’re damaging my lungs.’ So I take one look at her, and I say, ‘I am so sorry,’ and put it out immediately. I tell you, I felt two inches tall. Sometimes I’ll just light up and forget where I am.”

* * * *“Time to work the crowd. You, ma’am. Where are you from? I find you unattractive, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Right, folks? She’s really fat and ugly. She took the time to come out here and spend money on a ticket so that I could entertain her, and instead I’m mocking her for your amusement. What a fucking chump, am I right?”

* * * *“What is the deal with women and shoes? They seem to really like them. I guess everybody needs a hobby to take their mind off their troubles. Perhaps they find it relaxing. Plus, taking care of your appearance is important. Actually, now that I think about it, I know a lot of women who don’t buy a lot of shoes at all. It’s possible I was misinformed. You know what, forget I even mentioned it. How am I doing for time here?”

“Anyone want to hear a contrived, overly-long anecdote that I clearly made up? No? What if I came up with a simplistic but amusing solution to a complex problem I don’t really understand? Anyone? Man, that spotlight’s bright.”

* * * *“Can I get a member of the audience to stand behind me and put their arms under my armpits? It’ll create the illusion that your arms are actually mine, see, and you can slap me in the face and whatnot. I’m told it’s incredibly amusing. No one? Well, just imagine it then. Good for a chuckle.”

* * * *“You ever notice how liquored up these stand-up comedy clubs get you people before they bring the acts out? Look at you. I could say anything up here and get a laugh. You hired a babysitter, drove all the way into the city, bought an average meal for far too much money — this night’s costing you an arm and a leg, and you’ll be damned if you don’t enjoy yourself. It’s actually sort of sad. You know, the museum’s open late tonight. Anyone want to go to the museum? There’s a fantastic exhibit on Alexander the Great.”