Visit Scenic Jaytonia!

March 30th, 1998 Posted in Articles

POPULATION: 3,344,336

GOVERNMENT TYPE: Cranky Dictatorship

POLITICAL LEADER: “Uncle” Jay Pinkerton (Despot-For-Life)

NATIONAL HOLIDAY: National Fifty-Lashes-Until-Jay’s-Arm-Is-Sore Day (September 9th)

IMPORTS: tobacco, luke-warm Budweiser, subscription to “Gentleman Dictator’s Weekly”

EXPORTS: Common sense, truncheon beatings, bilious invective

RELIGION: Unswerving trust, alcoholism

LEGAL STRUCTURE: “Cheers/Jeers” system

INFANT MORTALITY RATE: 41.48 deaths/1,000 live births (2.5 deaths when Despot-For-Life Pinkerton vacationing elsewhere)

DIPLOMATIC REPRESENTATION IN U.S.: Ambassador Juan Caliente-Peppers

NATURAL HAZARDS: Severe earthquakes, droughts, Despot-For-Life Pinkerton

CAPITAL: Insubordination-Will-Be-Punished-By-Flaying, Jaytonia

MILITARY BRANCHES: Shock troops, heat-seeking missiles, starved dogs

NOTABLE EVENTS & LANDMARKS:

The Volcano O’ Lost Souls
Every first day of the new year, Despot-For-Life Pinkerton boots a citizen who displeases him into the fiery volcano in the town of Cuntypissfuck. Seven days of celebration mark the week leading up to the event, where tourists can enjoy local hospitality and cuisine (don’t miss Jaytonia’s famous “Peanut butter toast eaten over the sink”!), interspersed with public hangings and brutal, entirely random beatings by Despot-For-Life Pinkerton’s highly-strung brute squad.

Fucktoberfest
Tour Jaytonia’s capital, Insubordination-Will-Be-Punished-By-Flaying, during the last week of June, when the Fucktoberfest Festival gets into full gear! Public orgies, wanton fetishism and Jaytonia’s ethnic specialty, the “pig roast” await the perverse, sweaty tourists who flock to this yearly event like sweaty perverted birds! Tourists can enjoy prostitutes of both genders* for only $1; take romantic walks down the Bilge-Walk by creosote-clouded moonlight; and receive entirely random beatings by Despot-For-Life Pinkerton’s highly-strung brute squad.

* Legal Note: All $1 prostitutes will possess both genders.

Skull Mountain
The ravishing beauty of Skull Mountain awaits adventuresome tourists willing to climb to the top of its oxygen-free summit. Guided tours are provided daily. Thrill at the discarded remnants of tourists past! Steal their cameras, loose fillings, and any other belongings not rusted by the ravages of time! Dodge the pumas, leopards and venomous spider-monkeys that scour the landscape, specially flown in from other countries at the request of Despot-For-Life Pinkerton during one of his “less lucid” moments! Talk with the emaciated pygmies who call Skull Mountain their home, after having been banished from Jaytonia’s civilized regions for the slightest of offences by Despot-For-Life Pinkerton, during some of his even less lucid moments! Receive brutal, entirely random beatings by Despot-For-Life Pinkerton’s highly-strung brute squad, flown in specially by Despot-For-Life Pinkerton, due to his increasingly not-even-slightly-lucid moments!