UPS: Unconditional Parcel Screw-ups

October 25th, 2004 Posted in Essays

I just received a UPS bill for my PC, which says I owe them an additional $25.00 charge for having delivered my PC on the 19th.

I had to give them a call and, as politely as I could, mention the fact that while I was happy to pay them the money, I hadn’t actually RECEIVED the package yet.

They’ve now put a “trace” on it, which is UPS code language for “Here’s the thing—if you don’t have it, we have no fucking idea where your computer is.”

Lovely.

Where My Fucking Computer Might Be:
A Dramatization

At the crack of dawn, while everyone else lies comfortably in their beds, the hardworking men and women of the United Parcel Service get to work. “Let’s see what’s on the docket today,” says Parcel Manager Chet. “A computer delivery to LA? This looks like a job for UPS!”

Packages safely stowed away? “Check!” says Chet enthusiastically. Next stop? Sunny LA!

UPS AWAYYYYYYYYYYY!

Just hours later, Chief Parcel Supervisor Gary sprints to his destination! Nothing’s keeping this package from getting to its destination, on time, and in great shape. “Your computer, sir!”

A beaming smile and the knowledge of a job well done is Chief Parcel Supervisor Gary’s reward. “Thanks so much!” says Jay, opening the package.

“That’s a fine-looking computer, sir!” says Gary.

“Shower of fucking cunts! This is an abacus, you retards!”

UPS AWAYYYYYYYYYYY!

Elsewhere, in Zaire: “Here’s your PC as ordered, Mr. Pinkerton!”

“Rrr?”