Tips on Crime Prevention

March 30th, 1998 Posted in Quick Bits

When being robbed, remain as calm as possible. Don’t make any quick or sudden movements. Often the criminal is as scared and nervous as you. Remember: over 45% of first-time robbers are bears.

Always carry some form of identification. A label in your clothing will help police to identify your severely mangled, repeatedly penetrated corpse in the event that you are severely mangled then repeatedly penetrated by an attacker.

When soliciting hookers, always remember to be fantastic in bed, so they will less likely to rip you off.

A bag that dangles from the shoulder can be easily yanked off your shoulder by someone coming up from behind. Glue all belongings to your face and body with fast-binding adhesive.

While enjoying a walk in a city park, take care to avoid hilly and steeps paths. If you should fall and roll down a hill, thieves may rob you on the way down, and you will be powerless to stop them.

Closely supervise your children when they play in public areas. If you spot them being robbed, run as quickly as you can to the parking lot and lock your belongings in your car. Do not remove them until the robber have finished robbing your children and is safely on his way.

Weld your garage door shut at night to prevent car theft. In the morning, drive through the garage door at full speed, immediately dispatching any burglars attempting to break in from the other side.

When explaining the details of a crime to authorities, be sure to omit certain details while inventing others. Tactics like this keep the instincts of our city’s fine detectives honed and whip-sharp, where they need to be.

Sammy Sosa blatantly steals second in this disturbing photo.

Carry large sums of cash on your person at all times. Displays of wealth make robbers feel too depressed about their own lot in life to rob you.

When being robbed, be sure to pray to Christ our Savior. Though Christ has yet to prevent any robberies, one can only imagine how immensely ass-kicking it would be if yours was the first. It would be all POOF, then “My child, pardon my curiosity, but what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” then just a flurry of fucking fists and another POOF noise.