Things You Shouldn’t Say If You Live With a Powerful Wizard
March 30th, 1998 Posted in Quick Bits
co-written
with Jon Krashinsky
Originally
appeared in Golden Words.
that supposed to be a dress you’re wearing? Dude,
you look like my grandmother. What? I don’t care
if they’re sigils. They look like Lucky Charms.”
“Your
beard’s caught in your fly again, stupid. God, you’re
just so damned stupid.”
“Jumanji?
Your favourite film’s Jumanji? You fucking IDIOT!”
“Does
it hurt when I scream this in your ear? Okay., wait.
Ready? ABADABBADABBADABBADABBA!”
“Okay,
close your eyes. No, really, this’ll be funny. Just
close your eyes. They closed? Good. Okay. Now…
I’m… HANGING OFF YOUR BEARD! I’M HANGING OFF YOUR
BEARD!”
“No,
you’re absolutely right. I suppose it’s normal to
live in a tower by yourself with a cat and a chia
pet as your only company, you fucking psycho.”
“Is
this soup in this cauldron here? Can I –?” (sip)
“Ugh! GOD! This tastes like vomit! You cooked this?
What? It’s your recipe? God, this is sick!”
“This
is ALL pornography? There must be, like, five hundred
magazines here!”
“Baltimore?
Nope, wrong answer. No orange pie piece for you.
Man, you suck at Trivial Pursuit. You want to see
the card? Well, I… uh, already put it back.”
“No,
we didn’t shake on it. No. No, we didn’t shake on
it. I don’t care if you ate the whole Milkbone.
No. No, we didn’t shake on it.”
“There
aren’t even any words in this book! Are they all
like this? This isn’t a library! Can you even read?
Here, I’m going to write something on a piece of
paper, and you read it to me.”
“Here’s
you: ‘Gwa, I’m a big dumb wizard and my bum smells.’
Haw! That’s so you.”
“BARGH!!!!”
(whump whump) “Two for flinching!”
“Nice
cat.” (Kick) MEEEOOOORW “Fucking cats.”
“Hey,
why is the liquid in this little flask all sparkly
and colorful and stuff? What do you mean, ‘don’t
touch that?’ What? It’s highly explosive? Oh. Hey,
look alive!” (throw) *tinkle* “See, it’s not explosive.
Try to pull one over on…” FLOOOM “Oh.”
“Hey,
what are you watching? The Crying Game? You’ve never
seen this? Wow. Dude, everyone’s seen this. The
chick’s a guy, man. A fucking guy. See that girl
on the screen now? She’s got a dick, man. This movie’s
fucked up. Why are you staring at me like that?”
“Oh,
the mess in the kitchen. My girl puked last night.
Sorry about that. What? Fuck that. You clean it
up. You’re the ‘wizard’.”
“Okay,
here you go. You’re… running through the forest.
You’re running through the forest. You’re - what?
Yeah, my hands are the trees here. Just shut up
and pay attention. Okay, so you’re running through
the forest… going real fast… watch out… SMACK…
Oh! You hit a tree! HA HA HA! Man, your forehead’s
so red right now!”
“Are
you still practicing spells? Oh, sorry.” (Pause)
“So, every time I talk when you’re… oh, I fucked
that one up too? Okay, okay.” (Pause) “ABBGRE BLE
BLE BLE! What? I was just practicing spells too!
Well, that’s what you sound like.” (Pause) “Blah
blah blah blah blah, I’m a big wizard, I think I’m
so big.” (Pause) “Okay, I wasn’t doing a spell there.
There, I was just being an asshole. But before I
was doing a spell, I swear.”
“Whoa!
Hold still. You’ve got the ugliest, straggliest
beard hair sticking out there. No, just hold still
and shut up, I got it.” (Pluck) “Oh, MAN! You scream
just like a little girl! No, I will not be quiet,
I’m serious! Oh, shut up, you big pussy. Your beard’s
so long and stupid anyway. I was doing you a favor,
you hairy freak.”
“Man,
did you flush last time? Dude, there’s just the
two of us. Me? Like I’d leave a friggin’ subway
train in the bowl like that. It’s just common courtesy,
man. And anyway, what’s with your ass? Those shits
are all shaped weird. I bet those jewels of yours
aren’t magical at all. I bet you just painted some
turds of yours. Oh, come on, laugh! It’s funny!
No, just shut up and laugh, you old smelly bastard.”
“Born
to be wiiiiiild, duuum… dum, dum dum… what?
Sure you like that song. Everybody likes that song!
Oh? Okay, I’ll stop.” (Pause) “GET YOUR MOTOR RUNNIN’…
geez! Okay already! You know, it’s your music that
sucks, not mine. Don’t think I don’t know about
when you put on the headphones and pretend to conduct
that Mozart shit you like. I come in and watch you.
Well, you should lock your door if you don’t want
me to come in.”
“Shut
up. No… NO, I don’t care. Just shut up… shut
up! You always have to have the last word! Shut
up! ShutUpThat’sTheLastWordNowICan’tHearYou! LA
LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA!”
“Is
this your mom here? Yeah, this picture. I dunno,
guy. She’s pretty weird looking. What’s with that
brown thing on her cheek? A beauty mark? It looks
like she’s been eating shit sandwiches or something.
Look, just shut up, I was only kidding.”
FWOOOOSH
“What the fuck? I’m a frog now? You’re such a goddamn
prick. Boy, we were both having a good time, and
then all of the sudden this? Just… look, just
shut up.”
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