Contrary to the wishes of sensible folk across America, Holly-Wood Town continues its brazen practice of the Moving-Picture show — and this year, with the release of The Wizard of Oz, promises to be its most audacious affront to decency yet!

CertainlyThe Wizard of Oz promises pomp and spectacle, but as per Holly-Wood Town's recent tendency, it also promises to be remarkably devoid of plot. Furthermore, it's yet another "talkie", as though there were not enough of us tired of that particular brand of gimmickry. Would that we were back in the old days, before any of us spake and we communicated simply by holding up placards displaying our thoughts! For certain, I would not have to hear my wife's nightly laments for a new-fangled nuclear-powered oven range.

Making matters worse are that these "talkie" special effects seem so unrealistic throughout. I have heard rumors to the effect that the special effects wizards on this film were paid upwards of $400 for their technical showboating on Wizard of Oz! And yet for such a princely sum, I can tell you right now: it does not look for a second that the actors are actually talking.

On top of its auditory razzamatazz, The Wizard of Oz is yet another in the latest whiz-bang trend: colorated moving-pictures. While the effects in these moving-pictures are sure to dazzle the weak-minded masses, I can but imagine the ramifications such so-called "advances" might have on future generations. Think: first, we colorate our moving-pictures in Technicolor. Next, we will be colorating our cars, homes, clothing…perhaps even ourselves! To be certain, making people different colors instead of the vaguely different shades of gray they currently are may add variety to life. Still, you can rest assured I shan't be comfortable around some of these colorated miscreants and will be lobbying daily to not have them sit in the same part of the bus trolley as I!

Worse still, imagine if this coloration craze spreads further and we wind up colorating nature itself! Would that trees were of various tints rather than simply being gray, it would be nigh impossible to hide among the bushes. Consider the problems this might have created for our brave fighting American men fighting in the Great War: concealing your gray uniform and self against a gray backdrop is one thing; hiding among garishly colorated forestry is another altogether!

Luckily, I suspect this is to be little more than apie-in-the-sky scenario. As all know, the last war was The War To End All Wars, and the Germans have been soundly trounced. In recent years, I might add, they have gone from being a nation of scurrilous pudding-heads to being remarkably well-organized and efficient. They are also quite preoccupied with purity and cleanliness; two values that today's ragamuffin American youth would do well to place more emphasis on, rather than listening to jazz music and smoking marijuana cigararettes in-between bouts of promiscuous intercourse. Our Great Nation's leaders would do to remind our youth that vast quantities of jitterbugging, hair gel and pre-marital sex offer only fleeting pleasures, while the stout Germanic ideals of celibacy, efficiency and intolerance can offer our young ones so much more: namely, getting nice haircuts and mowing our lustrous grey lawns. In any case, the discipline evident amongst our former foes the Germans surely tells us that they will no longer be nipping at the heels of Lady Liberty in our lifetimes!

But I digress from the maelstrom of demonic intent that is The Wizard of Oz.

As best as I can tell from the cinematic "trailer" that followed my viewing of the latest corn reports at the bijou last Sunday, The Wizard of Oz follows the tale of Dorothy, as played by the inimitable Judy Garland. You would be hard-pressed to find a happier starlet in all Holly-Wood Town, so bright and unwavering is her smile. She brings that joy to those who enjoy her work, as well; a close friend of mine claims to be the world's biggest Judy Garland enthusiast, and he constantly exhibits extraordinary gaiety.

That the ever-joyous miss Garland would get caught up in such a piece of moving-picture is distressing, to say the least, but she bravely soldiers through the bizarre and topsy-turvy world of Oz. As I watched the prevue for this moving-picture, I found myself wondering whether someone the Coca-Cola company had taken to putting reefer in their cola beverages! That would most certainly explain the madness I was witnessing on screen: flying chimpanzees, singing scarecrows and tiny dwarf-folk running around freely outside of their usual circus milieu without fear of prompt arrest.

Dorothy, it seems, is trapped in this strange land, and is forced to befriend no end of grotesque gadabouts in search of a way back to her home. She is also forced to elude the grasp of a witch (as though this film did not focus enough on devilry without referring to witchcraft) who is trying, no doubt, to eat her. Dorothy apparently angers the witch after her house lands on another witch. While there is no telling the impact that this may have on youthful minds, I can only fear the worst. All I will say to this effect is that when young students begin landing their houses on witches across the land, I know where my finger of blame will be pointing! (Note: it will be pointing squarely at this moving-picture!)

On the whole, the Wizard of Oz seems nothing more than a flight of fancy designed to promote coloration and wayward house-landing in our glorious country!

Where, o where are the men whose job it is to protect our nation's feeble-minded youth from such brain-rotting filth? I ask you that, Franklin Roosevelt!

As for the moving-picture itself, I endow it with the lowly ranking of one Buster Keaton.

TRAILER TRASH RATING: