A thrill of energy crackled through the air last night as The Trailer Trash hosted the first ever Trailer Awards for the past year's best — and worst — coming attractions for major motion pictures. With hundreds of Hollywood celebrities due to attend the ceremony at The Trailer Trash's headquarters (my sparsely decorated bachelor apartment) the night promised to be a memorable one.

Of course with respect to the war, no effort had been spared to make the proceedings as tasteful and subdued as possible — the red throwrug in my hallway was replaced with a more sober brown throwrug, and the bowl of pretzels I'd put on the coffee table for snacking was purposely left unsalted. Yet even despite these precautions, no awards show would be complete if the adoring throngs at home didn't get a chance to see what expensive designer fashions the attendees would be wearing. I myself was adorned in the latest American fashions (black cotton T-shirt by Mark's Work Warehouse, machine-washable khaki pants by Old Navy, black socks with holes by WalMart). I was eager to see what my guests would be wearing while walking down the brown throwrug. A knock at the door told me I wouldn't have to wait long!

It was my neighbor, Mr. Reynolds (soiled jeans by Levi's, no shirt to speak of). "You having some kind of a party in there?" he asked, peeking in.

I explained about the awards show.

"Unh huh. Well, keep that gala music down."

I turned down the gala music a bit and swept the throwrug. Soon enough the celebrities began showing up — first at the door was Steven Spielberg and his lovely wife, who I ushered into my cramped living room and invited to help themselves to the pretzels. No sooner had I put their coats on the bed when Martin Lawrence and Steven Seagal showed up. Lawrence looked visibly nervous; with a nomination for the Most Idiotic Use of Firearms in a Trailer award, the poor man was a bundle of raw nerves. I offered him some crackers and Sprite to calm his stomach.

Soon enough, all two hundred guests had arrived, and seating was hard to come by (I was forced to put Tom Cruise out on the balcony). Tensions ran high, suspense was palpable, and the lights dimmed.

Without further delay…The First Annual Trailer Awards!

And that wraps up the awards! Thanks for tuning in. Unfortunately, we ran a little longer than expected. We'll try and trim it down a little for the Second Annual Trailer Awards. Until then, this is The Trailer Trash, wishing you a great year of trailer viewing.