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The
monitor flickered.
I was too drunk to stand;
As I'd spent the whole morning
Drinking Pabst from the can.
I
stumbled upon the new
Cat in the Hat trailer
While drinking my way
To acute liver failure.
And
all we could think was: "It's
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
And I do not like this.
Not one little bit."
BUMP!
And
then
Something went BUMP!
How that bump made me jump!
"Maybe
it's Seuss,
thump-thumping his coffin;
Making scrapes to escape
to his lawyer, and stop 'em."
The
bump was not Seuss
But some odd kind of cougar.
"Trespassing!" I said
As I loaded my Luger.
But
wait!
T'was Mike Myers dressed up like a prat!
I cringed
When I saw him
Dressed up like a cat.
And he said to me,
"Why are are you staring like that?"
"I
know that Goldmember
Was deathly unfunny.
But I'll still bet
This flotsam will rake in the money!"
"I
talked with my agent last week,"
Said the cat.
"The Grinch was a hit,"
Said the Cat in the Hat.
"Great box office numbers,
So I'll make one too!
The public
Will not mind at all if I do."
I'd downed so much booze
I knew not what to say —
I must have left the front door
Open all day.
My
senses screamed, "No!
Make that ass go away!
Tell that Carrey Mask rip-off
You do NOT want to pay.
He should not be here.
Goldmember was jokeless!
He'll only make more
If we let him provoke this!"
"Now!
Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the ham.
"This film won't be bad,"
Lied that fat can of Spam.
"Why, we can have
Lots of good fun that wears thin,
With a game that I call
PHONE-PHONE-PHONING it in!"
"Let
us out!" said my senses.
"This is tired and boring!
Let us out!" said my senses.
"This is populist whoring!"
"Please
don't leave!" said the cat.
"I will not let this sag.
I will drive a big car!
I will say the word "Shag!"
Here's pop culture winks!
Here's a compact disc hat!
But that is not ALL I can do!"
Said the cat...
"Look
at me!
Look at me now!" said the cat.
"In this bad disco movie
Pretending to act!
Here's me doing Carrey!
Here's me doing Wayne!
Here's me doing Austin!
Here's more of the same!
And look!
My Cat character's exactly
like these!
I can hit my one note
on the piano with ease!
"Look
at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
I need your attention
But I've forgotten how!
I used to be funny
And daring and smart!
Now I'm dressed like a cat
And lighting my farts!
I've gotten too rich!
I've completely lost touch!
My breaking the fourth wall's turned into a crutch!
I'm out of new characters!
The well has run dry!
Dear god, I'm Robin Williams!"
And he started to cry.
"Now
look what you did!"
I chastised the comic.
"Just look at this movie!
It's saccharine vomit!
You hooked us all in,
With some smart, funny flicks!
Now you're making kid's movies
And horse-whipping your schtick!
Go get your friends Sandler
And Schneider and Spade!
And don't you come back
'Till you're not so cliched!"
"But
I like to be here.
Oh, I like it a lot!"
As he fired up his cell phone
And purchased a yacht.
"I will NOT go away.
I do NOT wish to go!
And so," said the Cat in the Hat,
"So
so
so...
I'll make crap
And rake in the dough!"
Then
I watched him do coke
Off a mirror he carried.
He ordered some arm candy,
a blonde Asian named Berries.
And he looked through a script
based on an old sitcom.
"Ten million up front!
What do I care if it bombs?"
Then he said, "That is that."
And then he was gone
With a tip of his hat.
Then
The Cat in the Hat
Premiered and did super.
We all got in line
And took it right in the pooper.
And
I honestly did not know
What to say.
Was Mike Myers right?
Did good movies not pay?
Should
we let this continue?
Now, what SHOULD we do?
Well...
What would YOU do
If you paid cash for this POO?
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