Trailer Trash Analysis:

Much like the Batman franchise, the Superman movies ran themselves into the ground for no other reason than the pants-around-their-ankles, falling-face-first-into-pies ineptitude of the people who made them. It's easy to feel pity for a franchise whose fans simply outgrow it, or a frachise that attempts a bold new direction and fails. But it's hard to feel anything but open contempt for the people who brought us Superman III and IV— unless the bold new direction of the series was intentional pants-shitting idiocy, it's conceivable that the Superman movie-makers just dropped the ball. Down a well. A bottomless one with spikes at the bottom.

Now that Superman is in the process of being revived as a blockbuster franchise, it might be wise to look back at what killed the movie series off the first time around. As one of America's greatest philosophers, Wesley Snipes, once said, "Those who don't know anything about the past are doomed to eat dirt, and make Superman IV over and over again." The problems with the franchise weren't any one thing, but rather a lot of little things, all of which involved Superman saving Richard Pryor from the Grand Canyon in some way, while Captain Nuclear Bombs spanked puppies with newspapers in the background.

Flash back with me to the early 80's, when Superman III hit theaters for the first momentously awful time. As a film it was, we should probably all agree, bad. As a profound moral statement, however, it struck a chord in the hearts of North America for being, much like it was as a film, bad. Superman III was the first film to warn children of the dangers of kryptonite crossbred with tobacco, and that subjecting Superman to it turned him into a fat alcoholic— thus managing to teach us that cigarettes were really bad, while simultaneously contributing to the highest number of boredom-related tobacco overdose suicides in movie history.

As a lesson to children everywhere, it is a deeply and movingly irrelevant one. Kids, if even Superman—an omnipotent superbeing from another planet—can turn into an unwashed, surly drunk after touching tobacco kryptonite, then clearly this should illustrate to you how completely inapplicable that problem is to those of you not from another planet with omnipotent powers. If you're ever offered a rock of kryptonite with tobacco in it— kids, just say no. Remember, kryptonite will only hurt you like it hurt Superman. If you want to have the powers of Superman, look for tobacco products untainted by the harmful rocks of Krypton.

Nonetheless, the strong moral message of Superman III— if you're a chain-smoking alcoholic, avoid kryptonite, since that evidently just makes things worse— was a resonant one for alcoholics everywhere, who just stuck to booze from then on.

Eager Superman fans also finally got to see our hero's greatest nemesis from the 1940's comics, Richard Pryor, up on screen. Factor in the casting coup of getting comedian Richard Pryor to take on the role, and you've got a little something I like to call cinematic dynamite. Simply film it and get it up on a screen, and watch as your film explodes… in exciting awesomeness.

When making the follow-up sequel, the filmmakers decided to isolate everything people liked about the original films, then get rid of that. With the Superman character, the filmmakers had the rights to make movies about a universally recognized icon with total invincibility, the power of flight, heat vision, freeze-breath, who can punch through mountains and, when he wants to, even reverse time itself. So it makes sense that in Superman IV, the filmmakers chose to have him working through environmental issues. It takes a unique form of ineptitude to have the power to make a movie about the coolest guy on Earth in an epic battle with absolutely anything at all— hordes of unstoppable giant lizards, vampires, inter-dimensional psychic pirates, Batman— and then turn him into Ralph Nader with a spitcurl. Get comfortable on the edge of your seat, folks— because you won't be anywhere else when Superman lobbies against oil drilling in the Baltic!

And who could forget Superman IV's villain, Moral Message Man, who was apparently some kind of vague physical embodiment of evil bulldozers firing nuclear missiles at rain forests and kittens or something? Indeed, who can forget any of the moments from the last two films? More relevantly, who'd like to?

For Superman V, the filmmakers have decided that the target market of the last few films— total idiots — might not have been the cash cow they'd been hoping for. In an innovative and shocking decision, it seems the focus has shifted to making a Superman film for people who enjoy and are fans of Superman. Hollywood producers have called the move "senseless" and even "completely insane," but it should be pointed out that Hollywood producers are both.

Verdict:

Not terribly promising. Superman V's been in development for almost a decade now, and has yet to advance beyond the planning stages. At one point Nicholas Cage was set to star in the film, in kind of a gritty, neo-realistic vision of Superman where he looks like Nicholas Cage and, presumably, gets laughed at by children a lot. After that it was decided to make a Superman vs. Batman film. This was ultimately abandoned under the pretense that it would last ten seconds. Batman: "To defeat Superman, I'll need to use all my deductive reasoning! First I'll—" Superman: [punches hole through Batman's chest]

Heath Ledger was also briefly tied to the role, but ultimately declined on the grounds that he felt the character might brand him for life and limit him to other roles. As anyone can tell, his subsequent decision to have no one remember him for any roles at all made much more sense.

Following this, Kevin Smith was attached to write and direct the film. Given that Kevin Smith is mostly known for being a fat comic book nerd who makes movies about people talking about Superman, it was quickly decided he would be the least likely person to make a good movie about the subject, and was pulled off the project. Imagine taking the fat guy who writes Christina Aguilera fan fiction online and have him direct her latest video, and you'll probably get an idea of the studio's fear on that one. I get the feeling Smith's script would be like an hour and a half conversation with the guy working the register at the Magic: The Gathering card store.

Whatever incarnation Superman V eventually takes, one thing is clear: it should probably star Margot Kidder. The former Lois Lane star, who is now certifiably crazy and was several years ago caught hiding behind a suburban family's woodpile in their backyard, has done more interesting things in a day than the entire Superman series has managed to put up on screen during its entire run.

What Went Wrong...

Behind the Scenes With the Cast & Crew of The Superman Series

Richard Donner (Director): "It was well known throughout the industry that Superman had a huge "kryptobacco" problem. Most of the major studios wouldn't even touch him. On the set of Superman II, he was completely incoherent. The shoot was a nightmare. His assistant gave him a a blueberry muffin he'd asked for, but there was butter on it, and Superman just exploded. He drove his fist through the kid's chest, then shattered him into ice shards with his freeze-breath. Sad to watch."

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