• Mina Harker, a vampire, is shown walking around in the sun throughout the film. No explanation is offered as to how. It honestly frightens us when a group of people spending nine months making a film don't catch something so obvious that anybody else notices it immediately just watching the film once.
• At the film's climax, a villain attacks Tom Sawyer with a flamethrower, engulfing the entire room around him in flames. But he doesn't need to worry— he's wearing protective metal armor to shield himself from the fire!

Nope— but only because our brains lacked the capacity to imagine evil as pure and all-encompassing as this. Word has it that Sean Connery locked horns repeatedly with the director on the set. Hearing that might urge you to give the man a small amount of respect. Do not give into this impulse. Let's keep in mind that Connery is on record as saying he turned down the role of Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings trilogy because it sounded "silly." Ol' Eagle-Eye-With-The-Scripts saw immediately that one of the most adored, highest-grossing films of the century wasn't worth his time, savvily opting on for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen instead. Several other of Connery's smooth manouvres:

• Turned down role in Oscar-winning film; instead starred in shakily-filmed snuff porno.
• Discovered cure for cancer; lost it.
• Turned down delicious slice of chocolate cake; ate handful of feces.
• Turned down sex with Entrapment co-star Catherine Zeta-Jones; had sex with Entrapment co-star Ving Rhames instead, while chewing on tin foil.

THANK YOU. PLEASE CHOOSE HEROINE'S LIP SIZE: (A) FULL (B) GENEROUSLY BIG (C) COLLAGEN-INJECTED DUFFEL BAGS

THANK YOU. PLEASE CHOOSE TIGHTNESS OF HEROINE'S CLOTHING: (A) VERY TIGHT (B) PREPOSTEROUSLY TIGHT (C) LABIA VISIBLE"

Hard to say at this point, since as of press time only 11 people have actually seen the Lara Croft sequel, and they remain tight-lipped about the experience. However, advance word on the streets is that the scenes of a wetsuited Lara in the trailer were "airbrushed," and that in the film itself you "can totally see her nipples for most of the film." How this will affect DVD sales are uncertain, though given the crisp pause feature on most DVD players, we predict sales will go through the roof, due largely to:

• pubescent boys;
• nipple enthusiasts;
• the staff of The Trailer Trash.

Some might find it somewhat upsetting that the only conversational point people can make about a film starring a strong female protagonist is that viewers can "kind of make out her nipples in it," and how unbelievably awesome that is. However, given lacklustre ticket sales so far, and Lara Croft 2's $95M price tag, we're actually wondering if the nipple rumors weren't generated by a savvy Jolie and Croft 2's director, who quickly raced to the editing booth to digitally add a few nipples in.

Dead on. While Wedding trims about half the cast from the first two Pies, The Trailer Trash was sly enough to note that only the unfunny, deadweight cast members were missing from the latest installment. "Hmmm, suspicious—almost too suspicious," we said at the time, puffing knowingly on a single pipe (we passed it around, and took turns posing with it in front of bookshelves with snifters of single malt whiskey while the others took pictures).

Wedding proved our suspicions correct, throwing only the foulest jokes and most enjoyable characters from the first two films at us at an unyielding pace. Diehard fans of the "Oz" character from the first two Pies are no doubt crying all over their Chris Klein stalker maps right now— but for the rest of us, the slimmer cast made for a much funnier, tighter film.

Do we want to see another one? God no. But Wedding proved a fitting hilarious closer to a clumsy, earnest and ultimately ingratiating series.