2003 Summer Scorecard

In a summer full of stupid movies, X2 had the distinction of being really, really stupid, with lots of logic-defying new plot twists— like Professor X now being able to instantly kill everyone on the planet just by thinking about it (you think that might have come in handy at least once in X-Men 1, but the Professor seemed pretty tight-lipped about it at the time); and Professor X now being able to apparently stop time (another useful trait he's mysteriously neglected to use up until now, though it probably would have come in handy at least, oh, all the time).

But who cares? X-Men 2 was big dumb fun, and made good on all the promises of the trailer with a lot of new characters, great actors slumming, and fight scenes fightily fighting with other fight scenes. Yes, it's pandering drivel— but Wolverine stabs people. With his claws. And he drops out of the fucking ceiling on them. Try to see the forest for the trees here.

Terminator 3 was one of the few films the Trailer Trash staff had recommended to us with the pretense that "you have to go in really expecting to hate it." So it goes. We dutifully pass the information along: if you're willing to enter a showing of Terminator 3 preparing to absolutely despise every particle of it, mass opinion says you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Otherwise, wow, did it suck.

Whoops. Maybe Pixar should fire its Advertising Department.

The Trailer Trash freely admitted to liking everything Pixar'd put out before, yet still had doubts about Nemo, based on the somewhat rote and formulaic trailer. "A fish trying to find his son? That doesn't sound half as original a premise as their other stuff." And so we sagely, and with great foresight, pissed all over the most critically acclaimed, successful film of the year.

All thinky and stuff, natch. Fans of Ang Lee's slow-moving dramas will applaud this attempt to meld cheesy comic book movie action with a pensive Oedipal-angst subtext. Fans of Hulk hitting the fucking hell out of stuff will be disappointed by the enormous green one's near-cameo appearances in the film, looking just as CGI as the advance critical warning suggested. However, those of you interested in extended dialogue between unknown Australian actors and Jennifer Connelly need look no further— your dream project has arrived. Fans of Nick Nolte looking needlessly sweaty, unkempt and swarthy need similarly applaud.

*What We Said:*	"Ass will be kicked, if the trailer's any judge. Though it was impossible to glean anything meaningful from it, I still got a chance to see Cyclops blowing stuff up by looking at it, and Wolverine running around in an insane rage, slashing at the camera. There's even a little sugar from Ian McKellen. "War has begun," he muses with satisfaction at the trailer's close. I think I'll be musing with satisfaction when I see this one too. I happily invite X-Men 2 to nerd me up."
*How It Turned Out:*	In a summer full of stupid movies, X2 had the distinction of being really, really stupid, with lots of logic-defying new plot twists— like Professor X now being able to instantly kill everyone on the planet just by thinking about it (you think that might have come in handy at least once in X-Men 1, but the Professor seemed pretty tight-lipped about it at the time); and Professor X now being able to apparently stop time (another useful trait he's mysteriously neglected to use up until now, though it probably would have come in handy at least, oh, all the time). But who cares? X-Men 2 was big dumb fun, and made good on all the promises of the trailer with a lot of new characters, great actors slumming, and fight scenes fightily fighting with other fight scenes. Yes, it's pandering drivel— but Wolverine stabs people. With his claws. And he drops out of the fucking ceiling on them. Try to see the forest for the trees here.
*Were We Close?*	Spot on. Looked like a leave-your-brain-at-the-door blast of dumbass fun. Was exactly that. Anyone looking to be nerded up by X-Men 2 got their fill and then some. Those of you looking for anything more substantial than what you got have vastly poor judgment in the sorts of media that are supposed to alter the way you perceive the world around you. (Tip: they don't star people with claws coming out of their hands.)

*What We Said:*	"The people who brought you Terminator 2: Judgment Day are back with an all-new movie. Well, except for director/creator James Cameron, who wanted nothing to do with the sequel. Or star Linda Hamilton, who also wanted nothing to do with the sequel. Or co-star Edward Furlong, who also wanted nothing to do with the sequel. Or screenwriter William Wisher Jr., who also wanted nothing to do with the sequel. Or every single person remotely involved in the first two films, with the lone exception of Arnold Schwarzenegger — who's had a string of flops and is in desperate need of a career-revitalizing hit. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together should be able to read between these lines: This ain't no cash-in, folks! It's the real deal!"
*How It Turned Out:*	Terminator 3 was one of the few films the Trailer Trash staff had recommended to us with the pretense that "you have to go in really expecting to hate it." So it goes. We dutifully pass the information along: if you're willing to enter a showing of Terminator 3 preparing to absolutely despise every particle of it, mass opinion says you'll be pleasantly surprised. Otherwise, wow, did it suck.
*Were We Close?*	Spot on. Arnie seeks to prop up sagging gubernatorial bid with the tired flogging of a once-great franchise, without the involvement of anyone else associated with the film, to predictable results. If you're looking for a tongue-in-cheek, somewhat lightweight two hours to kill, look no further. If you in any way harbored reverent feelings for the Terminator franchise, this latest installment should cure that for you handily.

*What We Said:*	"The marketing angle of the trailer put me off a film I'm actually predisposed to want to see. Rather than an intriguing and hilarious premise, like a child's toy collection coming to life in his absence, or a factory run by monsters whose civilization is fueled by children's screams, Finding Nemo is being sold as a typical kid's adventure flick. Maybe there's an ingenious concept hiding behind the uninspiring marketing, but it's not in evidence in this rather dull trailer."
*How It Turned Out:*	Whoops. Maybe Pixar should fire its Advertising Department. The Trailer Trash freely admitted to liking everything Pixar'd put out before, yet still had doubts about Nemo, based on the somewhat rote and formulaic trailer. "A fish trying to find his son? That doesn't sound half as original a premise as their other stuff." And so we sagely, and with great foresight, pissed all over the most critically acclaimed, successful film of the year.
*Were We Close?*	Off by a mile, and we should have known better. Blame years of disappointment with previously dependable Hollywood hitters suddenly knocking a fly ball right into the mitt of the pitcher. We have trust issues, you see. Still, we had no reason not to think that Pixar'd pull Nemo out of the fire. The Trailer Trash eats crow on this one. Luckily, we're chasing that crow down with these delicious orange and blue fishsticks. Only one of each, sadly, but if you eat them in front of children, you can make them last an hour by chewing slowly.

*What We Said:*	"Well, the wait is finally over. The new full-length Hulk trailer has at long last revealed our hero to be... green. And big. With purple pants. Leaving audiences to ponder the real issue here: what exactly were we expecting? The big green purple-panted one looks fairly convincing anyway, or at least as convincing as someone can look throwing tanks around and smashing through solid steel walls. It's still unclear whether the Hulkster will actually be able to "act"; however, the trailer at least confirms that star Eric Bana can't."
*How It Turned Out:*	All thinky and stuff, natch. Fans of Ang Lee's slow-moving dramas will applaud this attempt to meld cheesy comic book movie action with a pensive Oedipal-angst subtext. Fans of Hulk hitting the fucking hell out of stuff will be disappointed by the enormous green one's near-cameo appearances in the film, looking just as CGI as the advance critical warning suggested. However, those of you interested in extended dialogue between unknown Australian actors and Jennifer Connelly need look no further— your dream project has arrived. Fans of Nick Nolte looking needlessly sweaty, unkempt and swarthy need similarly applaud.
*Were We Close?*	A mixed blessing. Eric Bana didn't embarrass himself half as badly as we were expecting— but the Hulk looked about as bad as we'd thought. Ang Lee seems like a talented director, who can effortlessly mingle character depth with rocking action. Still—Ang, buddy. Jennifer Connelly. You could have had naked scenes, guy. What's the deal?