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As the summer winds down to an inevitable close (and yes, the summer is winding down to an inevitable close. Sorry), we at The Trailer Trash— sturdy, e'er-shining beacons of truth and cinematic justice—like to sift through our trailer reviews of the big summer movies and see how well our predictions came out. How many movies were we dead right about? Which ones slipped through our trailer radar entirely? Did The Matrix Reloaded rock the rock out of all rock-rocking things, as we had surmised? (Alas, no.) Did we get to see as much of Angelina Jolie's wetsuit-hugging breasts as the trailer for Lara Croft 2 would lead us to believe? (Oh god yes.) Did it make the film any less painful to sit through? (Sporadically, sure, but on the whole no.) Are we, in a nutshell, the farsighted genius prophets we set ourselves up to be? (Pshh. Of course. Don't even ask.) Read on, readers— since by definition that's what readers do; and because if you don't, you'll miss out on The Trailer Trash's 2003 Summer Scorecard, just inches below this sentence, waiting tantalizingly for you to peruse it from left to right until you're done. Or right to left for some of you, I suppose, we don't want to intrude into your affairs. And perhaps just skipping randomly along for the dyslexics in the crowd. In short, we leave the pacing and direction in your capable hands. |
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What
we gave it:
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| What We Said: | "With plenty of explosions, kicking, punching, swordplay, gunplay, guys kicking swords, guys punching guns, and Carrie-Anne Moss jiggling around in a hermetically sealed catsuit, it's a pretty safe bet this first peek cued the largest ever synchronized ejaculation among 18-25 year old men. The only downside I see here is the frightening possibility that Keanu Reeves might misinterpret things and assume people actually want to see him in other films." | |
| How It Turned Out: |
Guess
that "largest ever synchronized ejaculation" was a little
premature. But that's okay, baby—it happens to everyone. It turned
out that encouraging Keanu Reeves was the least of Matrix
Reloaded's many problems; not least among them that actually
showing us the boring, orgy-prone citizens of Zion made us actively
despise every last one of them, forcing us to realize we'd been rooting
for the wrong team all along. Toss in a plot that flowed and looked
more like a video game than the actual tie-in video game; long
and turgid naval-gazing about fate and purpose (it binds us, you know);
and an omnipotent hero who made it hard for us to get concerned about
him because— well, because he's frigging omnipotent; and
you end up with one of the biggest disappointments this side of Episode
I. On the bright side, though, at least Star
Wars apologists finally have some common ground with Matrix
fans. Now they'll both have something to chat about over Pepsi and Slim
Jims at the next Comic Con, before ganging up on someone dressed like
Gandalf for the biggest hair-pulling slapfight of all time. Feel the
love.
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| Were We Close? |
No sir! The Trailer Trash's crack staff got sucked in by years of anticipation, a built-in love of the franchise, and all those awesome trailer explosions and karate kicks. We were first in line to see Reloaded—and the last to leave, partly out of paralyzed shock, but also so we could watch the trailer for Matrix Revolutions, which was screened after the credits. We'll have a review up as soon as the trailer's been officially released. Until then, we'll always have Reloaded. Sadly. |
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What
we gave it:
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| What We Said: | "Carrey is God! Clapton Desperate to Reclaim Title! Bruce Almighty's trailer sidetracks the high-concept premise of the film and gets right to the goods: dogs a-poopin'! Also: dogs a-peein'! And while Carrey doesn't divinely reroute his own vocal cords to more clearly enunciate out of his buttocks, it nonetheless begins to look suspiciously like his usual dumb fare. This being a trailer, it's possible they just crammed in the lower-brow stuff to lure in the meatheads." | |
| How It Turned Out: |
Not only did Bruce Almighty cram a lot of low-brow stuff into the trailer to lure in meatheads— they stacked it right into the film as well, presumably to keep said meatheads from tearing up the seats and emitting beefy farts onto the projection canvas. As the trailer suggested, Bruce did in fact devote an entire subplot to a dog urinating; having sat through the main plot, however, we can attest that the dog pee story arc was by comparison the most soothing of balms (in a strictly metaphorical sense, of course). Bruce started out strong but quickly collapsed in on itself, doubled over by the dense sugary mass of its saccharine conclusion. It didn't help matters that Carrey, who was allowed to snap his tether here and run rampant around the set, chewing vast amounts of scenery to pulp, is about as likable and endearing a protagonist as— well, any other character played by Jim Carrey. We invite you to choose randomly. |
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| Were We Close? | Mostly. The Trailer Trash was dubious but optimistic— an optimism we won't share for Carrey's next offering. Like the wily fox, our viewing of Bruce Almighty has made us that much cannier and guarded as to future cinematic assaults from Carrey. Our defenses will hold. Let the mugging bastard do his worst. |
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What
we gave it:
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| What We Said: | "The title alone should give you a good idea of what you're walking into here, since it was apparently devised either by people not equal to the draining burden that adverbs require, or pop icon Prince. Either way, 2 Fast 2 Furious seems to suggest that any theater-goer who thought the first movie in this franchise was lacking in the fast/furious department will now finally be given the excessive, even needlessly indulgent, portioning of fastness and fury that previously eluded them." | |
| How It Turned Out: |
We
wouldn't know. The Trailer Trash's staff walked around this one like
a bleeding man on the sidewalk— cautiously, and with a sense of
detached amusement. Those of you who did see 2
Fast 2 Furious and wish to share your thoughts on this landmark
film are welcome to send your review to chokeonyourowntongue@ tastelessretard.com.
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| Were We Close? | I'm willing to go out on a limb and say yes. Granted, we never actually saw the film, so many of you are welcome to suggest we have no basis on which to pan it. And you're probably right. After all, the only thing the trailer told us was that the film would involve a lot of B-grade acting talent racing in fast cars, spouting bad one-liners and involving themselves in a ridiculous plot about undercover cops and smuggling operations. We're sure the trailer didn't even come close to accurately summarizing the multi-layered complexity that was 2 Fast 2 Furious. Buy several copies today. |