Everyone's favorite spandex-wearing, wrist mucus-flinging genetic mutant returns in this summer's most anticipated sequel. Spider-Man 2 has our webslinger beating a fat eight-armed man senseless while continuing his brave struggle to stay out of his girlfriend's pants.

Kirsten Dunst's visibly benippled breasts reprise their character from the first Spider-Man as Mary Jane Watson's visibly benippled breasts. To achieve this special effect, director Sam Raimi shot all of Dunst's scenes in a walk-in meat freezer using a technique he invented for the film, which fires the camera at high velocities directly at what insiders have dubbed "Dunst's huge big boobs."

Hard-core comic book loyalists were outraged by the factual errors in the first Spider-Man (Spider-Man used mechanical web dispensers in the film, while in the comics he uses web glands he obtained in Spectacular Spider-Man #213 when he flew through a wormhole back to his home planet of Krypton, thus technically possessing the glands prior to the events of the film due to a time rift reversal explained in detail in Web of Spider-Man #331 and referenced in the 1981 cross-over special Spider-Man vs. CamelToe). Will they be equally upset by by the addition of Captain Bananapants, Spider-Man's web fluid-carrying baboon assistant? Or the revelation during the credits that, in reality, Spider-Man is an actor in a faggy costume? Only time will tell.

Halle Berry stars as Catwoman in a last attempt to make the Academy feel ridiculous for giving an Oscar to someone who fans out scripts on her living room floor, spins around until dizzy, then points.

Catwoman became a laughing stock when photos of Berry's costume (right) were released, boldly reinterpreting the heroine as some sort of crime-fighting badger. It isn't clear what the director (the made-up sounding Pitof) was going for with the new look—though we doubt "making our dicks laugh" was anywhere close.

Based on our own fond pubescent memories of Michelle Pfeiffer slinking around licking herself in Batman Returns,  Pitof's decision to make Berry's updated outfit 100% erection-proof is either evidence that the man has no genitals, or that spends his leisure time slapping them against people who aren't women.

The real shock here is that Warner Brothers even hired Pitof—a man whose highest profile job was FX Coordinator for the French live-action fruitfest Astérix et Obélix contre César. It's like Mom always said: if you hire Prince to redesign your kitchen, don't be surprised when he replaces the oven with an enormous vagina-shaped piano. Pitof, this is for your benefit:

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In a world where robots are a household item, Will Smith must stand alone in his quest to give hip-hop back-talk to stodgy old white people.

Smith stars as a detective in 2035 who must help put down an uprising of robots demanding civil rights after decades of slavery. "Yo, I got your equal rights," Smith says, smashing one android with a devastating uppercut from his right fist. "I got a few lefts, too!" Will Smith seize his destiny and keep the robots in their rightful place as laborers, or will the silicon hordes overrun society, sating their perverse lust for human women and cybermelons?

The trailer for I, Robot may be the most spectacular of the season, portraying one scene where Smith detonates CGI robots for protest marching on Washington, and another where he fries the circuits of an android who refuses to move to the robots-only section at the back of the hoverbus.

Rumors abounded about Smith's sexuality after he was discovered in a compromising position with a cyborg prop that had been designed to look exactly like himself.

 Filmed on a budget of only $27,000, Matt Damon's The Bourne Supremacy cut costs by editing in over 60% of its content from the first Bourne film. Sharp-eyed fans will notice, for instance, that both film stage their action-packed conclusion in the Oval Office, and contain the line of dialogue "Take the ham outta your ass, Mr. President! We got work to do!"

With its release just ahead of Ben Affleck's political thriller Red Rabbit, Bourne Supremacy has apparently strained the pair's friendship to its breaking point. Affleck was so infuriated, in fact, that he threatened to cancel all future film projects with Damon in favor of other movies, until he remembered he was Ben Affleck and that "other projects" would mean amateur pornography.

The feud came to a head on the set of Supremacy, when Affleck showed up drunk and tried to break Damon's concentration, stage-whispering the addendum "How ya like them apples?" to every line of dialogue Damon spoke. The matter soon dissolved to fisticuffs, and cast and crew alike surrounded the pair to cheer on the fight. As the scuffle degenerated from punching to light slaps, however, then long stares, then finally slow, shirtless kissing, all present backed away coughing, pretending they'd been watching something else.

The Day After Tomorrow

The world is threatened by a string of natural disasters. Only rogue cop Dennis Quaid has the deductive skills and deadly judo powers to save mankind. His mission? Take out the cruel weather-spewing mastermind: God. The final fight between Quaid and God (Ashton Kutcher), as the Lord fires cancer rockets from a faith-powered armored exoskeleton, is said to be the stuff of wire-fu legend.

Around the World in 80 Days

Jackie Chan stars in a film that should exploit his acrobatics and physical stunt work to maximum effect, as a Chinese man standing in a five foot-square floating basket. Kathy Bates and John Cleese co-star as passengers trapped with Chan in a hot air balloon that will explode if its around-the-world speed drops below 80 days. The controversial three-way sex scene (a.k.a. "The Chan-wich") was deemed too racy for the final cut.

The Village

Master of the suspenseful shock-twist M. Night Shayamalan takes us to an 1800's village full of twisting, suspenseful mysteries. Who is behind the sudden werewolf attacks in town? What secret does the young man (Ashton Kutcher) hold, and why does he mysteriously disappear during every full moon, waking up covered in blood and pooping the bones of the slaughtered townsfolk? It's yet another vast tapestry of enigmas from Shayamalan, sure to keep us guessing until the final twist!

King Arthur

King Arthur travels to modern-day Los Angeles in the hopes of finding a bride. Arthur's plan hits a snag when he discovers modern women to possess sass and be in his face to a degree unheard of in Medieval England, where facial sass had yet to be discovered. Arthur eventually hooks up with shopgirl Denise, who he takes back to the Middle Ages as his bride. She is promptly accused of witchcraft, flayed alive, drawn, quartered, boiled in oil, stuffed with bread crumbs and beheaded.

The Princes Diaries 2

Anne Hathaway continues her role as a ragged hooker who discovers she's a Magical Princess. Diaries fans will remember how the Princess shook up the royal family with her toothless, crack-addicted girl power attitude. PD2 sees the princess using her newfound riches to take out expensive hits on former pimps and predatory Johns, cutting them new smiles with a sharpened tiara as lethal as it is glamorous. "You smiles so pretty now," taunts Hathaway. This summer, revenge is a royal bitch.