...Richard Dean Anderson! Holy shit! Apparently all those rumors of contract disputes with star Keanu Reeves we've been hearing about online start to make sense. Luckily one of our country's most talented actors was willing to fill Neo's shoes.

The Wachowski Brothers wisely elect not to "gloss over" the actor switch, as Trinity is shown in a quick cut scene looking intensely shocked. So shocked, in fact, that she takes off her sunglasses for the first time in the history of the Matrix series, revealing only empty sockets where her eyes should be. Finally, all the not-so-subtle allusions Neo made to eye-fucking in the last two installments start to make sense.

Morpheus is shocked too, though not as shocked as Trinity, as he keeps his sunglasses on. He does lift up his shirt briefly, however, and we notice that he has empty sockets where his nipples should be.

Then, WHAMMO! he's kicked in the face for his trouble. You can never let your guard down in the Matrix, folks. Not with all the face-kicking and eye-fucking going on at such a breakneck speed!

Meanwhile, ace matrix hacker Tank Switchdozerson receives a mysterious email from none other than Agent Smith. When he opens it, he finds an insulting forwarded joke email about The Matrix Reloaded sucking. Tank is beside himself with anger.

Meanwhile, Agent Smith is loving it! He laughs it up at Tank's expense for a full forty-eight seconds of screen time. His laugh is no playful laugh, either. Agent Smith laughs like a pedophile in a daycare. But is he really molesting children? The trailer isn't giving anything away, but if I know the Wachowski brothers— and I think it's fair to say that I do— the smart money's on "maybe". Now finally all those Hugo Weaving child molestation pictures online are starting to make sense.

Tank quickly turns the tables with a photoshopped image of Agent Smith naked with Osama bin Laden. Now it's Agent Smith's turn to be outraged! Tank enjoys Smith's rage like a fine wine. Clearly, this is battle that won't easily be won by either side.

It wouldn't be a Matrix trailer without the Wachowski Brothers' patented gun violence, and Matrix Revolutions looks to be no exception. Morpheus, some guy and Trinity burst into a dance club and start shooting everybody for reasons unexplained. It's actually unbelievably graphic for a trailer, and a little unsettling, since the people in the club haven't seemed to have done anything wrong, and fall over each other screaming in their attempt to escape with their lives. Still, the filmmakers must know what they're doing. I'm sure it makes sense in the film.

"Please, I have a two year old child at home!" pleads a clearly pregnant woman, before Morpheus shoots her between the eyes and laughs. "You should have thought of that before you got shot by my gun," he quips. He then shoots a man in the leg, and pulls up a chair to watch him writhe on the ground.

Trinity, meanwhile, has cornered a Frenchman. "Where's MacGyver?" she growls.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" pleads the Frenchman. "I just came here to dance, oh my god, please don't kill me!"

Trinity shoots him between the eyes. "I guess MacGyver's not here," she says.

"Well, that's three buildings on the block covered," says Morpheus, reloading his gun. "Let's check next door. We've got a lot of Matrix to cover tonight." The search continues!

We cut to MacGyver himself, who isn't even in the Matrix, but on Morpheus's ship. Looks like Morpheus and Trinity got some bad information. We get a chance to see MacGyver's cool new Matrix costume— it looks great! Tank calls him over to the main console, where he worriedly checks his computer screens.

"MacGyver, we got trouble," he says.

Trouble and then some. An enormous robot warship hovers just outside Zion, and with Morpheus and Trinity dicking around in that club, it's up to MacGyver to bring it down.

Never one to back down from a challenge that will let him flex his problem-solving skills, MacGyver quickly heads to his lab, where he makes what looks to be some kind of explosive from saltpeter, aluminum shavings and Pam no-stick spray. Sharp Matrix fans will notice a new character in the background, Merlin the Matrix Wizard and Tally, the Tallest Man in the Matrix. What roles will they play in the battle against the Matrix? One can only hope their parts have something to do with magic and being tall, or they've been horribly miscast.

From this point, it's just a matter of breaking into the robot warship to plant the bomb. MacGyver easily picks the warship's lock using a credit card, a bolt of raw silk and common genital sweat.

He's in! What happens next?