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Luckily, however, there are a few minor, quibbling issues I'd like to address. We're all at least vaguely familiar with the story of Peter Pan, but most of us have only seen either the Disney cartoon version, the unwatchable Robin Williams' Hook version (and therefore not seen it) or the Sandy Duncan theater version (with 33% extra mincing). Mix in whatever slim scraps of knowledge you might have about the original Greek mythology, and things can get confusing. So let's recap: An immortal boy with pert breasts, goat hooves for feet, a hairy Robin Williams torso and the ability to fly into stars, immune to the radioactive effects of nuclear furnace cores, brings a young English biddy named Wendy to "hang out" with him at his pad (I think in the Greek version he gets to third base; in the Disney stranded at second, the poor dope). Then Wendy, Peter, and Peter Pan's friends the Lost Boys (led by a young Keifer Sutherland) fight off a Restoration-era fop named Captain Hook, out for vengeance ever since he mistook Peter for Sandy Duncan in a dimly lit dance club and ended up getting a statutory conviction (and also, sadly, got stranded at second, the poor dope). Yes yes, we all grew up with that familiar story. Really, who didn't dream of flying away with a hairy goat-boy as a child? Who didn't fantasize about getting terrorized by a scenery-chewing Dustin Hoffman with an enormous bull-queer moustache? I certainly did, on both counts. But this latest incarnation of the Pan (sans goat feet I might add) is the first version to style itself, according to the website, directly on the original J.M. Barrie story. So naturally, Peter Pan, played by Jeremy Sumpter, is an American… just as J.M. Barrie had laid out in his story. As we all remember, after defeating Captain Hook, Peter goes on to globalize the Neverland economies, consume 25% of its natural resources, and later pull out of the Kyoto Clean Air pact. One of the other things that bugged me — besides Coldplay's maudlin, soul-searching hit "Clocks" playing in the background — was Wendy and Pan's physical journey to Neverland. The old directions, "Just take the second star to the right, and go straight on until morning," lose some of their mysterious quality when we get to see the immortal boy leading Wendy there in painstaking detail. Watching Peter Pan travel through what is clearly an Einstein-Rosen bridge — or wormhole, to the untutored, most likely cool layman — really sucked a bit of the fun out of the whole mystical enterprise for me. Not only that, but I shouldn't have to remind a seasoned space dog like Peter Pan how notoriously unstable wormholes are. The energy to keep one open for any duration longer than a few pico seconds ranges from supernova to galactic center blackhole. Where does Peter get the necessary energy? As an American, surely he could invade a few countries and usurp their oil, but that's wouldn't provide even a fraction of the energy needed. Maybe Han Solo owes him a favor and lets him borrow the Millenium Falcon for the purposes of picking up minors and getting his space-freak on (two goals I imagine ol' Han would be sympatico with, at a guess). Whatever the case, this inaccuracy is nothing compared to the next: Wendy's teeth. Wendy smiles a great deal in this trailer. It's a pretty smile. Her smile, I dare say, is downright beautiful. Unfortunately, Wendy is English (unfortunate to consistency, not unfortunate that she's English. However, given the subject matter, I'm willing to admit either interpretation could be seen as saddening and preventable). I lived in England for a spell myself, and I can tell you, the whole "English have hideous teeth thing" is not just a stereotype. The English are a menace to the ideal of smiling and should be stopped from the practice at all costs.
The last thing that bothered me wasn't even in the trailer. It was a claim on the website, stating that "this is the first live action film to be made of the JM Barrie classic" where "new cutting edge technologies will allow the breathtaking visuals envisioned in the original material to be portrayed, including NEVERLAND, flying, Tinkerbell, and Pan's battles with Captain Hook." I haven't seen the movie, so I really can't say whether or not this is true — but I can say that if those four issues are the only things that have been stymieing a live version of this classic, someone should have called me. I could have helped them out a long time ago, and made a decent profit as an on-the-set film consultant to boot. "You want to figure out how to show Neverland and Tinkerbell, make Peter fly, and portray fantastic Pan/Hook fight scenes? In this order, your solutions are: Matte paintings, a circus midget, a piece of wire, and Jet Li. That will be $200,000 please. " The trailer otherwise
is strong and makes a good impression, regardless of Coldplay. I give
it four Billy Crystals. Now if you'll excuse me, I must
return to my quest for immortality by trying on green tights and wrapping
duct tape around my mannish boobs. I will spare you the subsequent joke
where you ask me if I'm trying out for the lead in Peter Pan
and I feign ignorance. We're better than that.
RATING:
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Welcome
back, film buffs, trailer buffs, and buffs in general. You know, I hate
to admit such things, but the trailer for the new live-action version
of Peter Pan, silly as it is, did its job. I'm fully aware that
there's less humor to be had in mocking a genuinely enjoyable and effective
trailer — but it's simply too late to start a new review just to
make my life easier. As Emperor Joseph II might say:"There it is."
Apparently
Wendy's orthodontist is years ahead of the dentistry game, applying
some manner of space-based dentistry imported from Neverland. Be on
the watch for Wendy removing a retainer or mouth guard right before
kissing Pan. Maybe that's the whole plot of the movie — Hook steals
her retainer and Pan only has a few hours to get it back before Wendy
reverts to her previous state of English shark mouth. Say, what if she's
the one who bit off Hook's hand? Being English, I'm sure she'd probably
boil it first, as they do all foods, then wash it down with a pint of
something bland and milky and a slice of blood sausage. Ah, those silly
English! Oh, their silly stereotypes!