The writing staff of The Trailer Trash has honed its critical eyes on trailers for years. Sure, we can eye up a trailer or two? But do we have what it takes to judge the films themselves?

As it turns out, not really. Take a gander at our Oscar Roundtable, with Trailer Trash regulars Sean Crespo and Justin Skinner, held as always in Editor Jay Pinkerton's tastefully decorated bachelor apartment, where chips and pop were provided to aid the critical process.

Jay: Alright, first up is Best Supporting Actor. This one's a pretty tight race. Discuss.

Justin: ...

Sean: ...uh...

Jay: Don't be shy, guys. Jump right in. Justin? What are your thoughts on Djimon Hounsou's haunting performance in In America? Did you find it as layered as Ken Watanabe's samurai leader in The Last Samurai?

Justin: ...sure.

Sean: Yep.

Jay: Oh, good. [pause] Feel free to elaborate.

Justin: Ken Watanabe kicked fucking ass.

Jay: Thank you for that. Sean?

Sean: Uh. I loved the part where Ken Watanabe was the last samurai? and he's all "Where are the other samurai?" But they were gone. That was... you know. Intense.

Justin: That part totally kicked fucking ass.

Jay: Neither one of you watched any of these films, did you?

Sean: Not as such, no.

Justin: I think I saw In America. Djimon Hounsou was Eddie Murphy's assistant, right?

Jay: That was Arsenio Hall in Coming To America. It's not the same film.

Sean: Are you sure? I remember—

Jay: No. You remember nothing, because they're completely different movies.

Sean: Yeah.... I don't know. Arsenio—

Jay: Please stop talking.

Sean: I just think...

Jay: No. Stop. You're wrong. It's actually ridiculous how not even close to being right you are. If being right was candy, you would be writhing on the floor right now in a diabetic seizure.

Sean: Yeah, but...

Jay: If the correct answer were a car, and all you had to do to be right was lightly tap the gas and roll two feet forward, your car would spontaneously explode in flame and fly backwards into a moron factory.

Sean: True.

Jay: You are a solid prism of anti-right, Sean, with a core of infinite density from which no intelligence can escape. The implications of your wrongness frighten and astound men of science.

Sean: I see.

Jay: If an orphanage full of children got hit with cancer missiles, and you being right was the only known cure, you're still an idiot.

Sean: These are sound points.

Jay: Thank you. Alright, your choices?

Justin: I think Tim Robbins plays a retarded guy in Mystic River, and it's hard to bet against anyone playing the retarded card in an Oscar race. My pick goes to Robbins, with Ken Watanabe running away with the race for the coveted Best Hat award.

Sean: I'm making a write-in ballot for Arsenio Hall's towering performance as Eddie Murphy's butler, Djimon Hounsou, in Coming to America.

Jay: And I hate you both with a passion I can't even begin to describe. I'm going with Ken Watanabe in The Last Samurai, for his unexpectedly charismatic performance in an otherwise adequate film.

Jay: Next up is Best Actress. The first nominee is Keisha Hughes in Whale Rider, the story of a young girl rising up against the sexist traditions of her people. Diane Keaton is nominated for Something's Gotta Give, a feminist comedy about a middle-aged woman who becomes the object of sexual desire. Charlize Theron plays a female murderer who turns sex-hungry Johns into her victims in a... well, it sort of goes on from there.

Sean: These were very important films.

Justin: These were uplifting and life-affirming films, Sean.

Jay: I would go so far as to say these were empowering films, Justin. I also don't think I saw a single one of them.

Sean: No.

Jay: Well then. Coin toss?

Justin: I watched Whale Rider with my girlfriend.

Jay: Ah. And?

Justin: She told me I really liked it.

Jay: Fantastic. So Keisha Hughes.

Sean: Watts is stacked, though.

Jay: Naomi Watts squeaks by, then, with a narrow victory for her towering performance as a woman dealing with being stacked in 21 Grams. Justin, your verdict?

Justin: Thank you, Jay. I sense big things in the future for Keisha Hughes as the whale riding craze catches on. I can't wait to see her in Whale Rider: Orca Justice next fall. In the meantime, though, I think this is Charlize Theron's Oscar to lose.

Jay: Interesting. Your reasoning?

Justin: Well, I haven't actually seen the film, but I can tell you from the trailers that any performance that makes me not want to stick it in Charlize Theron is a hell of a good acting job.

Jay: Well played. Sean?

Sean: Who'd you pick again?

Jay: Naomi Watts.

Sean: I pick Naomi Watts also, for her towering performance in Funny-Gram.

Jay: Are you drinking my beer?

Sean: No. I'm drinking one of your beers.

Jay: Another difficult category to judge. I haven't seen any of these films either.

Justin: How the fuck can you make a house out of sand and fog?

Jay: Possibly you use pieces of April as your structural foundation.

Sean: Maybe she pays off the contractors in leaves and farts.

Justin: Heh heh heh.

Jay: Heh heh heh.

Sean: Heh heh heh.

Jay: Well, I think we exhausted that. Sean? Your thoughts?

Sean: Her name looks like Marcia Gay Hard-on.

Jay: Good eyes, Sean. You're bringing game. Marcia Gay Hard-on takes home the gold, then, for her towering performance as a gay hard-on in Mystic River. Justin?

Justin: I wanted to point out that Renee Zellweger has gone on record that the Academy should give her the award as a way to "make up for past mistakes" for her not winning Best Actress last year.

Jay: That's insane. Your pick?

Justin: Not Renee Zellweger.

Jay: Done. Sean? Should we even keep up the charade?

Sean: No, that's cool. Anyone wanna play some XBox?

Sean: Hey, I've actually seen one of these!

Jay: Holy crap, me too.

Sean: Which one did you see? I saw Pirates of the Caribbean.

Justin: Pirates of the Caribbean.

Jay: Pirates of the Caribbean for me too. Not a lot of variety, but what the hell. Your picks, gentlemen?

Justin: Well, in Pirates of the Caribbean, which I saw, Johnny Depp acts retarded. By the laws of the Oscars, he has to win. Sean?

Sean: In Pirates of the Caribbean, which I also saw, Depp totally goes Radio for a little while. Actors who play retards get Oscars. It's the rules.

Justin: Depp by a nose, then. Moving on...

Jay: Hold on. Depp wasn't retarded in Pirates. He was supposed to be crazy and eccentric. And gay, possibly. He wasn't retarded. Who's afraid of a retarded pirate?

Justin: Pirates who are even more retarded.

Sean: Johnny Depp was totally retarded in Pirates.

Jay: No he wasn't! You can't have a retarded pirate! He'd just be... hugging people all the time, and riding around on his bicycle eating snowcones! The whole movie would be Johnny Depp trying to get his short pirate ship out of dock, failing, then getting an award for trying! He was supposed to be dangerous, not retarded.

Justin: He'd have to fight pirates who were even more retarded.

Sean: Dude, that makes so much sense.

Jay: He wasn't retarded!

Jay: Down to the last two categories. Up now, Best Director. Probably the most difficult of all the categories to judge. How does one best choose amongst the layered and—

Sean: By looks.

Justin: Yeah.

Jay: How is there even a correlation between how good-looking a director is and how good their work is?

Justin: Well, see, the uglier a director is...

Sean: ...the less likely he or she is to go out and good off instead of laboring over their projects every night.

Jay: That was almost smart. Hmm. I'm going to allow it. Okay, so Sofia Coppola isn't even really a contender with these guys. Which is sad, because her dad would have won hands down.

Justin: It's hard living under the shadow of your father's unibrowed hideousness.

Sean: I'm voting for Peter Weir. I'm half-Irish, and I want to see the ugliness of my own half-people represented here.

Jay: Justin?

Justin: First off, I feel bad for Fernando Meirelles. I'm almost convinced the Academy just made him up because they could only think of four directors. For my choice, I want to say Clint Eastwood. He's got that good old-fashioned American brand of pinch-faced ugly. But damn it if Peter Jackson doesn't look like he might eat his way out of a building-sized chocolate cake.

Jay: I know what you mean.

Sean: He scares me a little.

Jay: I know what you mean. Now Fernando Meirelles has an impressively upsetting forehead. But nothing a hat couldn't fix.

Sean: So we're down to Weir and Jackson then? Tough choices.

Justin: Yes. They're both very very ugly men.

Sean: Yes. Very.

Justin: No, very very.

Sean: Ah, yes. I see your point. Very very.

Justin: Wait. What if Peter Jackson ate Weir's DNA?

Jay: By statistical probability alone, he'd get around to eating it eventually. I'm with you on this. Go on.

Justin: ...and the resulting director had the combined ugliness of BOTH directors?

Sean: Wow.

Jay: Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmm.

[pause]

Jay: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sean: What if we put Peter Jackson's mouth on Peter Weir's face?

Jay: Done. So, for Best Director, the gold goes to Peter Jackson's mouth grafted onto Peter Weir's face, transforming both into a nightmarish creature who knows only eating.

Sean: What if we put my mouth on Holly Hunter?

Jay: Play your Xbox.

Jay: Return of the King?

Sean: Return of the King.

Justin: Return of the King.

Jay: Nice.

Justin: They should give a separate prize for Most Colons Used in a Title. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the Waves. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

Sean: Lost in Translation: Extreme Japan.

Jay: Mystic River: The Revenge of Braxos.

Justin: Seabiscuit: A Horse's Tale.

Sean: Lost in Translation: Blade of the Ninja.

Jay: Master and Commander: A Wave Too Far.

Sean: Pudding of the Caribbean: Mentally Handicapped on the Seven Seas.

Justin: Pirates of the Caribbean: A Gold Star For Trying Marks The Spot.

Jay: He wasn't retarded!