Review by Jay Pinkerton View This Trailer Oh boy. Martin Lawrence. National Security tells the brave story of Martin Lawrence and an uncomfortably brush-cutted Steve Zahn embarrassing themselves immensely. Early on in the trailer, a rap soundtrack endlessly repeats the mantra: "What's the difference between you and me?" I guess that depends on whether or not I catch you walking out of a 9:00 show for National Security. In that case, I could think of at least one insurmountable difference between the two of us. National Security involves Lawrence and Zahn bumbling around pretending to be police officers. I sincerely hope this is an inherently fictional premise. The idea that Martin Lawrence could in real life get his hands on a badge is terrifying. "This is great, man," enthuses Lawrence at one point. "Me and you -- security guards -- out here actin' like real cops." It's a pretty short line of dialogue, and elaborates on none of the points it raises, yet still manages to capture the entire premise of the film five times over. You have to hand it to Hollywood for their ability to make ninety-minute films with plots you could scratch out, in all caps, on the back of the ticket you bought to see it. In fact, we could shorten the sentence even further -- perhaps to a curt "Great, man. We're security guards actin' like cops!" -- without abandoning any of the major lodestones that make up the film: they're security guards pretending to be cops, and that's great. What about: "Us guards, act cops, great"? It's a little stilted, admittedly, but why not? Let's get the goods to the consumer with as little fuss as possible! "Not cops!" the film will say. "Security guards! It's great!" Then the credits roll and everybody gets to leave a little early, beating the traffic. Most of the laughs in the trailer are gun-based. Zahn drops a loaded weapon that fires suddenly. Lawrence shoots at a car, which explodes in a fifty foot arc of flame. It looks a little excessive, and seems to suggest that Lawrence fires bullets made of discarded H-bomb parts. Elsewhere, Lawrence shoots wildly while running around a firing range. Eventually, you can't help but notice a theme at work here: guns. Running. Shooting. Martin Lawrence. Guns. It's as if there was a conscious effort on the part of the filmmakers to represent their movie in the trailer as the most thuggish and needlessly violent thing ever. In this they've succeeded, and I salute the producers, who I envision as sad-eyed lonely men with bad haircuts and vast collections of Anime porn. When not shooting people or running them over in cars, our two heroes milk laughs in the trailer by simply hitting each other. Maybe someone hid their guns -- it's nice they're making do. Five seconds into the trailer, Steve Zahn hits fellow security guard Martin Lawrence in the face. Moments later, in a new scene, Martin Lawrence exacts his revenge, hitting Steve Zahn... in the face. To spice things up, a black woman then hits Zahn in the face. Finally, towards the end of the trailer, Steve Zahn breaks away from convention and hits Martin Lawrence not in the face but directly in the face. It excited me to see such bold improvisation from an actor at the top of his game. Later, another large black woman picks up Lawrence and prepares to hit him. In the face? It's not overtly indicated, though judging from past events, I think it's a pretty safe bet. One unfortunate scene is shown at a police firing range, where Lawrence shoots four cardboard cutouts of white gunmen but refuses to open fire on their black cohort. He refrains on the grounds that the inanimate black target is, to his mind, "terrified," being surrounded as he is by white cardboard cutouts. It's not surprising to see Martin Lawrence hammer away on a tired race relations joke; but in this case, I had to scratch my head. Was this a Rodney King reference? Clearly the armed black man and his four white counterparts are part of the same cardboard cutout gang. They're all facing the same direction, caught mid-stride while committing evil cardboard deeds. They all have guns, and they certainly all look violent. Why would the black cutout have any more reason to fear his partners in crime? Criminals are prone to violence and are highly untrustworthy, I admit -- but if they were open-minded enough to hire him into the cardboard cutout gang in the first place, it seems unreasonable for the black cutout to fear a double-cross for his skin color alone. In any case, it struck me as an odd joke, even for the notoriously drug-fueled Lawrence, whose comedic style is becoming increasingly fractured and packed with non-sequitors as his brain fills up with more and more crackpipe resin. I'm not advocating filling anyone full of holes, necessarily, but the point of the whole shooting range exercise would seem to be: "Put bullets in whoever's holding a weapon." I wasn't aware that police officers were allowed to determine the level of force needed based on the skittishness of the criminal. "Shoot those other two armed lunatics, men. But leave this one alone. He has sensitive eyes, I'm sure he's as scared of us as we are of him." It's worth noting that National Security was penned by the writing team of Jay Scherick and David Ronn, two apparently red-hot commodities who also wrote this year's Serving Sara and I Spy. I can't for the life of me understand how two previously unheard-of guys could somehow get three scripts made into films in one year. They must own the most risqué photos of Steven Spielberg on the planet. With their trilogy completed and up there on the screen, however, I can't imagine Hollywood will be charitable enough to be this indulgent a second time. I wouldn't hold your breath for National Security II: Security Guards, Not Cops, It's Great! RATING: