Hi, everyone. I don't know how you celebrated your Labor Day, but I know how I celebrated mine— watching a little something I like to call movies. What follows is a no-holds-barred cage match documentation of my cinematic experiences. I hope you enjoy reading about them as much as I enjoyed being in them, then writing about having been in them.

Friday, August 29th, 2003

Here I am Friday night— I'm the striking-looking fellow with the staff and beard. I don't actually know who the bitch on the right is, but she tried to steal my thunder all night. Look at her stupid costume— what a lame-ass. No word on the dork to the left either, with the shirt made out of what looks to be a British flag. I kept asking him to go buy us some popcorn, but he pretended he couldn't hear me, so I just ate a few chicken legs I'd snuck in under my robe. Kick ass.

Sharp readers among you might gain some clues from my costume which movie I decided to see. Hint: I'm dressed like a wizard. You guessed it— Bad Boys II. What better film for a wizard to see than one as magical as a Lawrence/Smith romantic comedy? I'm not afraid to admit I bawled my eyes out for most of it.

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

Hey, who's that cool guy? It's me! Saturday found me dressed up as Boba Fett in line for tickets for Matrix Revolutions. The theater manager kept coming out and threatening me, telling me the movie wouldn't be out for another three months, and I had to keep explaining to him that his penis was small, and that I was willing to wait for the best seats in the house. Once again, I have no idea who the chick on the right is.

As of Saturday night, I hadn't left the theater for a full 24 hours, ever since arriving the previous night (in cool wizard costume) to watch Bad Boys II. Finally the police were called. Boba Fett was asked to move along quietly. Boba Fett refused.

Things got a little rough for the bounty hunter after that. I was beaten mercilessly in the parking lot by seven police officers. Luckily the paramedics were summoned before things got too ugly, or I might have started fighting back, and they'd all have been screwed, believe me.

So that was my Labor Day weekend. Fun was had by all (me), and I plan to do it again next year. Hell, I plan to do it again next week, for a Saturday matinee of Freaky Friday. I've got my Morpheus outfit all picked out and everything: sunglasses, stained t-shirt, no pants.

"But that's not what Morpheus looks like," you say. Ahhh, but I've seen some advance footage from Revolutions. It's gonna be SO awesome when Morpheus takes off his pants in the third one.

See you next week. If you happen to be lucky enough to find yourself sitting next to a pantless man for a showing of Freaky Friday, be sure to say hi, because that's me. I'll be taping at least seven or eight pork chops to my thighs and sneaking them in, and I can usually only polish off five tops, so the other three are some lucky theater-goer's for the asking.

— Jay Pinkerton
Editor-in-Chief, The Trailer Trash