Review by Jay Pinkerton View This Trailer I caught the flu this week (well, a flu, anyway. I hope I didn't corner the market or anything.) By Tuesday, my ears were infected and aching. My sense of balance was non-existent, and I stumbled into things and people with equal frequency. My entire body felt sore, like I'd fallen down a flight of steps, and hot sweats and cold chills alternated in five minute shifts. After work, I stupidly went out with some coworkers and had some drinks. By the time I got home and prepared myself for a few trailer viewings, I was drunk and confused, stumbling around my apartment like a disoriented bear. I couldn't focus on solid objects, and found that even simple concepts, like closing the fridge door or not walking into solid walls, flitted from my head after ten seconds of concentration. With all of this in mind, I decided on the new Steven Seagal trailer, Half Past Dead, on the grounds that I had most likely achieved the mindset of his core fanbase. Even the name seemed to sync up with my health concerns. Here are a few of the notes I wrote while watching: Not bad. I'm tired. Guess I'd watch it. Sure. Cars and stuff. Jail? So tired. So there you have it. If you're severely drunk, can't properly formulate thought and have intense throbbing pain in your sinus cavity and temples, I can't think of a more captivating narcotic than the Half Past Dead trailer, which doesn't ask for much beyond your basic attendance. Having just viewed the trailer a second time, however, I can't offer the same guarantee for reasonable, happy people with full use of their senses. I assume this film is attempting to capitalize on the success of Exit Wounds, as it also pairs Seagal with a rapper for bouts of sweaty gunplay (with Ja Rule taking over the thespian reins from DMX.) But really, what success? It was successful? When did this happen, and why wasn't I informed? The only person I knew of who told me they wanted to see Exit Wounds was a woman I worked with who popped Tylenol like Pez and had tattoos covering fully nine tenths of her available surface area. "I can't wait to see that film," she confided to me one day, before leaving early to make corpulent, disgusting love with her twice-jailed boyfriend. Yes, I would have taken it as a given that she wanted to see Exit Wounds, and films like it. But it shocks me that enough tattooed acetaminophen addicts joined her at the premiere to make Exit Wounds a hit. Half Past Dead tempts you with the premise of Steven Seagal and Ja Rule (both of whom "live life on the edge," we are assured) attempting to kill a police officer, then getting sent to prison. Right off the bat, they've managed to lock down the attributes a viewing audience can relate to in their heroes, and I applaud them. I had to watch the trailer several times to be sure: Ja Rule explicitly states his intention to kill a female police officer sent to stop them from committing crimes, while Seagal tacitly endorses this insanity through large, double-chinned silence. I find it appalling that the filmmakers would be presumptuous enough to think they've shown me two people worth laying down $12 to hear the story of. It gets worse. Once incarcerated ("serving hard time in the most feared prison in the country," no less), Seagal and Mr. Rule take breaks between hitting prison guards and being rampantly homophobic to foil the plans of a gang of terrorists who break into the prison to capture them, for reasons unexplained. Yasmina Filali-Bohnen stars as one of the terrorists, who struts around in an unbelievably tight black bodysuit kicking people in the face, and offers the only incentive I could see for watching the film (with the volume off, I imagine, and the pause button and tissues at the ready). Seagal, for his part, demonstrates the full extent of his acting chops, giving us both of his two expressions -- Beefy Scowl #1 and Beefy Scowl #2 -- in just one trailer. My mind reels at the value, a lone complaint being that they might not have held back enough "A" material for the film itself. With the exception of Filali-Bohnen, no women are to be seen in the trailer -- ostensibly because it's a prison movie, but most likely due to the casting director's inability to find an actress willing to commit to a love scene with the leading man. Given the incredibly likely scenario that Seagal shifts his weight wrong and asphyxiates the poor woman, I can't imagine any starlet willing to roll those bones more than once. Porn is just as degrading, and offers none of the immediate health risks. Much like whaling, committing to a Seagal love scene ensures the danger of being crushed by a giant blubbery beast, while giving the lone perk of sponging up enough oil to light a lamp. What does the name "Half Past Dead" even mean, by the way? Are the heroes of the film more than half dead? They seemed perfectly healthy in the trailer, with the exception of Seagal, who might want to lay off the Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts. Or is the title attempting, in a ham-fisted way, to give us a play on words? "What time is it, Steven Seagal?" "Half past DEAD!" [beefy scowl] [a pause] "Is it around three thirty, or...?" In short, I genuinely wonder what actual prison inmates would make of a trailer like this. Would they be insulted by the lack of realism; offended by the fantasy-land glorification of their hard, unkind lives in jail? Or would they be entertained by the fact that the prisoners are the heroes, the jailers evil malcontents who fully deserve the many bullets fired into their bodies? I have no idea. All I know is, those of us lucky enough to be on the outside should stay away, far away, from this idiocy. Plus, someone should tell the attractive, sanguine Yasmina Filali-Bohnen that walking around a maximum security prison in a latex catsuit, trained in martial arts or no, is just asking for a hassle. Someone should really sit these female terrorist death machines down and explain the many benefits of sensible, loose-fitting, breathable cottons. I can't even begin to imagine how hot a catsuit gets when you engage in the adrenaline-pumped fisticuffsmanship she shows off throughout the trailer. RATING (FOR DRUNK FLU-SUFFERERS): RATING (FOR EVERYONE ELSE):