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"Over 150 years ago," we are informed, "in the town of Darkness Falls..." Wait a minute. The town is named Darkness Falls? Who names a town Darkness Falls? Isn't that a little bit trite? We're only about ten seconds into the trailer, and already they've destroyed any subtle nuance the title may have contained. It could have carried overtones of the transition from the seen to the unseen, the known to the unknown. Not anymore! We're mercifully relieved of the burden of analytical thought right from the get-go. It's also puzzling, since there aren't actually any waterfalls in evidence anywhere in the trailer. The only body of water that's seen is the ocean. So possibly, the town just got the name because every evening at around sunset, "Darkness falls! Just like clockwork!" the locals maintain with pride. You'd hate to be the unfortunate tourist to let it slip that darkness does this everywhere, not just in isolated coastal towns with all signs pointing to mild lead poisoning. The only other possible solution I can come up with: the town bears the namesake of its founder, Darknessibald Q. Falls. Certainly I could have accepted it if the town was named, say, Darkness Bay but then I suppose they'd be stuck for a clever title. They'd also be killing pretty much all sea shipping revenues and nautical-themed tourism, come to think of it. For a thriving port town, you can't do worse than a name like Darkness Bay as an incentive to potential mariners. Much like the names Lighthouseless Point, Unmarked Shallowater Cove or Jagged Rock Harbor, the name all but guarantees a costly, accident-packed docking. At any rate. "Matilda Dickson was adored by all the children," the narrator continues. We soon learn that whenever a child lost a tooth, Matilda would exchange it for a gold coin. Hey, that sounds like "... earning her the name 'The Tooth Fairy'." Goddamn it, the villain in this horror flick is the Tooth Fairy? What, was the Easter Bunny too deep in negotiations with Energizer over a sponsorship deal to sign on for this one? Also, I don't remember the Tooth Fairy ever exchanging gold bullion for my unwanted baby teeth. If I went around giving children actual gold not nickels or quarters, but gold for their rotting old teeth, I wouldn't, as Matilda apparently has, earn the name 'The Tooth Fairy'. I'd earn the name 'The Soft Touch' or if the townspeople were less tactful possibly even 'The Enormous Idiot'. The two children, it turns out, didn't make it back from Matilda's place (perhaps they were weighed down by all the gold, or were intercepted by pirates), so the citizens of Stupidname Falls get together and hang the woman. The trailer takes the time to emphasize the point that Matilda was hanged in the light as opposed, one would guess, to a more crowd-pleasing but logistically problematic 3 AM hanging. It's also possible the townsfolk simply like to brag about anything done in the light, what with darkness falling all the goddamn time. The planning and successful execution would be a real feather in the cap of the local Hangman's Union. Meanwhile, in present-day Nowaterfall Falls, the Tooth Fairy is back and out for vengeance. We are presented with a stunning montage of scenes that would doubtlessly be chilling to the core is they were in any way visible, and not obscured by pitch darkness. Possibly something significant happens here; there are several close-ups of some frightened people. Then more darkness. Then... a little more darkness. Is there anything out there in the darkness? Maybe? It's hard to tell. I sure wish this trailer had a Braille version. Suddenly, it's daylight again, and a small boy is talking to our hero. At least, I assume he's our hero. He hasn't actually been introduced yet. In fact, none of the characters in the trailer are given any sort of introduction. They're just there. Well, except for Matilda. We know all about her shenanigans.
The remainder of the trailer adheres unswervingly to the First Law of Horror, which states that if everyone is fully aware of the monster's one crippling weakness ("It hates light!" "It can't attack you if you're not near a body of water!" "It has a weakness for Daily Jumbles!"), the film's heroes will fail spectacularly in capitalizing on that weakness until the conclusion. Do our protagonists think to carry any portable light sources? Of course not. Oh, wait someone found some kerosene lamps. Who wants to guess they're almost empty and it's about to get real windy? The trailer ends with a series of rapid cuts which either go by too fast to register in the human brain or, once again, are composed of total darkness. Either way, I defy you to make sense of any of it. Finally, we're treated to the movie's catchphrase, "Evil rises... Darkness Falls." I suppose that's a little better than the one I came up with while watching the trailer, the slightly more plebeian "Darkness Falls sucks balls." However, I should point out that mine at least rhymes. In total, I'm giving this trailer two Billy Crystals. It gets one for justifying my belief that horror movies are stupid, and showing me that I probably shouldn't even go into a theater that's showing Darkness Falls in case I accidentally bump into someone just coming out of it and catch whatever brain disease they have. It gets another half Crystal for the scenes jumping by so fast or being so poorly lit that it was impossible to tell what was going on, as this means I've seen fewer scenes of Darkness Falls than if it had been a competently lit and edited. It gets an extra half because I had so much fun laughing at its unfortunate name.
RATING:
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So
my brain says to me: "Why are you watching the trailer for Darkness
Falls, a horror movie? You hate horror movies. You don't find them
scary, which is sort of the point, isn't it?" I inform my brain
that I am going to watch the trailer anyway, thank you very much, and
it goes back to its usual task (thinking about giant robots, giant transformable
robots, and giant transformable robots that transform into guns that
are wielded by still larger robots).
"She
won't come in the light," we're informed (I assume this to mean
that she's unable to walk directly into pools of light, and not that
light stalls the Tooth Fairy's frustrated attempts at orgasm). This
would seem to be a blessing. A small ninety-nine cent nightlight should
solve everyone's problems within seconds. Unfortunately, the town of
Nightfallfalling Falls must have some sort of Draconian power conservation
by-laws barring the use of electricity between 6PM and 6PM. So back
into the darkness we go! Feel free to insert a cartoonish trombone descent
here if you like.