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Ah. But this isn't an Oscar-hopeful drama -- it's a big ol' kung fu ass-kicker. That being the case, if "a power beyond measure" requiring "a protector without equal" isn't a subtlety-free cue for mindless kicking and punching on the part of our hero, then I don't know my opaque kung fu trailer-speak. Naturally, it offers an excellent excuse for our hero (in this case, Chow-Yun Fat) to open up a few cans of 100 proof ass-kick juice. But does it make any sense? Let's key this maxim into a few other hypothetical situations and find out:
What does this teach us? Most likely, that Hollywood trailer narration is meant to sound deep and meaningful but, when viewed with anything more than a token glance, is about as thin as Laraine Newman fasting in an opium field. For instance: "It is not about anger. It's about peace." "It is not about power. It's about grace." "It is not about knowing your enemy. It's about knowing yourself." Not only do these maxims sound drastically profound, but every one of them requires about as long to digest as a soda cracker -- a perfect combination for a demographic that will most likely be taking in the film under a dangerous haze of hash smoke and half-baked bullshit mysticism they picked up from other kung fu films of similar caliber. It's not my place to tell you which philosophical school to adopt for the purpose of personal betterment -- however, it's a safe bet that if you're nodding your head at platitudes that require no change whatsoever on your part, then you've most likely set the bar a little low. I'm not suggesting you walk right out and read Schopenhauer. I'm only saying that if we're ever discussing philosophy, and you pull out "It's not about knowing your enemy, it's about knowing yourself," you'll be gaining a first-hand lesson in the importance of knowing your enemies. Following these unenlightening proverbs, the trailer moves onto the real selling points: wicked crazy hardcore action scenes. Sandwiched in between scenes of gunfights, guys spinning through the air like missiles and gritty heroes hanging out of helicopters, we are given potentially the funniest piece of dialogue in the entire trailer: SEANN
WILLIAM SCOTT Who
the hell are you? CHOW-YUN
FAT You should be asking yourself who YOU are. Seann William Scott makes a PUZZLED FACE of ENLIGHTENMENT. We are asked to assume that Seann William Scott is puzzled due to the heady intellectual power of Chow-Yun Fat's platitude. I put forward an alternate theory: that Seann William Scott is confused by everything, and that this is the face one would be met with upon presenting any sentence at all to him. I suspect even safe gambits like "Hello," or "Are you lost?" or "Why do you have a superfluous 'n' in your name?" would get you identical looks of gape-mouthed uncertainty. Now, if Bulletproof Monk rakes in the bling at the box, I suspect we'll have yet another standard trailer formula for success: Shiny Chinese characters
zooming across the screen Success! Conversely, if this movie doesn't rake in the bling at the box, we'll have another standard trailer formula for failure: Where
(Lack Of Marketing) = x x
= Failure Because, sadly, only a lack of marketing could make this movie bomb. Studio execs know the 15-24 demographic has the highest percentage of their wallets dedicated to "shit." Luckily enough, this is the same (and only) demographic willing to pay $12 to see pablum like Bulletproof Monk. Other things for which this demographic gladly lays down wads of cash include:
Studio execs know this. They know everything, really -- except perhaps that those crepe-soled penny loafers with the tassels virtually disintegrate when worn anywhere but on a carpet. (This is how I punished the greenlighting of I Spy, by the way, simply by pulling the fire alarm down at Columbia Pictures.) Anyway, they're smarter than we give them credit for. They study our desires, and then serve them up to us in small three-second glimpses. This is the chart they have created for their trailers:
The trailer closes with Seann William Scott bravely getting his mouth around the words "Got a little quickness in you, don't you?", and Chow-Yun Fat replying with a wry smile and a faux-angry "Hmmphh." This, then, would be Chow-Yun Fat's attempt at humor; much like William Scott's attempt at thinking, it is a valiant attempt but rings false. The trailer paused soon after to allow me to laugh and soak up the humor of Fat's response. I instead used the time to imagine similar "stingers" as delivered by the wooden martial artist, an infinitely more amusing choice:
Two stars. For the
kicking, mostly. RATING:
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The
trailer for Bulletproof Monk, the latest kung fu punchfest aimed
at the fourteen-year-old boy in all of us, begins with a deep-voiced
narrator full of authoritative tenor. "A power beyond measure,"
he states, "requires a protector... without equal." Now, if this
were an Oscar-hopeful drama, we would then be greeted, no doubt, with
a tearful epiphany, or a glimpse of our hero baring his or her teeth
against the wind on some lonely mountaintop.
In
short, Bulletproof Monk seems to be about a kung fu master throwing
caution to the wind, and reluctantly teaching the ways of his ancient
order to a cement-thick Westerner with an overbite and pudding for brains.
In other words, Bulletproof Monk is Karate Kid, with Seannnnnnn
William Scott filling in for Ralph Maccccchio, and a gun-toting monosyllabic
Chow-Yun Fat filling in for a fence-painting monosyllabic Pat Morita.
If you happen to lose your copy of Karate Kid somewhere, or aren't
able to reach a television for the several times a week that it's shown
on various cable stations, I heartily recommend Bulletproof Monk.
Additionally, if you're in the market for half-baked aphorisms that
sound great at parties but otherwise require no self-improvement on
your part, I can assure you that Monk will fill those empty spaces
in your soul. Otherwise, you'd probably do well renting one of Chow-Yun
Fat's infinitely better Hong Kong-era films, which might not be as flashy
or high budget, but do have the perk that they don't actually bludgeon
the intelligence out of you while viewing them.