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Keeping this criteria in mind, I was a little depressed at first with BMX XXX, the latest video game from Acclaim. The name had promise, of course, as it alluded to both extreme biking and the hardest core rating pornography has to offer (have you ever seen a XX½ porno? They completely suck. Mostly they just play cards.) Unfortunately, the trailer starts off pretty weakly (i.e. no bikes or pornography in evidence), with old lady music playing in the background. Words begin flashing all over the screen: "Cultural Sophistication;" "Artistic Aspiration." Now, did you see "words" as an underlying criterion on my list? Because I know I didn't. Don't worry, though — if you stick around for just a little while longer, I promise you'll be handsomely rewarded. It turns out that all the wimpy words and classical music that greet us at the beginning of the trailer are just a big scam, because ho… lee… shit, there's suddenly the sound of a record scratching, and everything gets really awesome! This is the moment where "pretty weak," which wasn't wearing its seatbelt, is violently thrown through the windshield, and "wicked awesome" takes over in the driver's seat for good. We start off the cool portion of the trailer, and presumably the cool portion of the game, with some totally pimped-out black dude with a cane, purple suit, and matching frilly hat, which made me suspect he might be a pimp of some kind. The pimped-out black dude soon confirms my suspicions when he starts yelling at Yolanda (offscreen) about the need for her to begin shaking her ass before he breaks his foot off in it. (I think Yolanda might be a hooker.) Anyway, talk about pissed off. I can't believe it! That's where I started thinking, "Man, now we're getting somewhere!" I was right. Rock music crashes in as we're assaulted with so many quick flashes of cool images, only an experienced member of the MTV slacker elite could possibly absorb it all in one go. BOOM! A big dog frantically humps a small pink poodle. FLASH! Strippers gyrate their asses around, and their asses are suddenly completely in your face. BANG! An alien screams, since he's strapped to a BMX bike and is really pissed off about it. POW! A troop of screeching monkeys do their thing, and then a dog farts. CHINPONG! A construction worker ducks behind a riser, also to fart some. Plus, at least three or four things totally blow up all over the place. In the midst of all of this chaos, we're introduced to the game's central characters. There's the aforementioned purple-suited pimp guy, who later adds "Yolanda! What'd I just say, bitch?", maybe because Yolanda hadn't heard him the first time. You can tell right from the start that this guy is going to play a huge part in the game and he's not going to get along with Yolanda at all. Then there's my favorite character, the foreign hot dog vendor. There's a certain je ne sais quoi about him. I'd hate to play the role of spoiler, believe me, but I have a good idea this guy is going to be key to some big plot twist of some kind, possibly involving BMX bikes in some way. I predict he's like a double agent or the real Keyser Soze or something. Foreign Hot Dog Vendor Guy also gets off the best line of the trailer with: "Ahh… You must eat a lot of wieners. You look like a WHORE!" The subtle way he shrieks the line of dialogue lets you know that this is a complex man. He has a dangerous past. People who eat a lot of hot dogs are, to him, whores. And naturally we want to know why. What makes Hot Dog Vendor Guy tick? Why does he have these opinions? Why does he involve himself in a business that constantly brings him into contact with whores? If I ate a lot of hot dogs, would I turn into a whore? The trailer tantalizes you with these sorts of questions, and leaves you begging for more, like a hot-dog eating prostitute.
For the grand finale of the whole big exploding farting thing, the trailer begins getting in my face, and proceeds to change some of my deep-seated beliefs. Remember how I said that I didn't need to see any words in my entertainment? Because words are for dorks, right? Wrong! It's all about opening your mind. It's all about the message. Finishing off the barrage of kick-ass, a message in the form of words is interspersed among all the images of sex and violence. "WE'RE GOING TO HELL FOR THIS," it states, "AND YOU'RE ALL COMING WITH US!" Wow, shit! Promises like this one alone should ensure a healthy profit for BMX XXX, with lines around the damned block, filled with cool people from all walks of life dying to get in and buy this so they can go to hell. Also, for some reason there are a lot of bicycles in the trailer. So, looking back: how many of those original five golden criteria did we meet? Naked chicks? Check. Explosions? Check. Monkeys? Oh yeah. Cool music? It's there, bro. And poop jokes?
Well, there was that construction worker's fart lost in the middle there
somewhere, and also a dog farts pretty nice. So all in all, I give this
baby 4½ Billy Crystals without blinking an eye. Bottom line:
this trailer is so good, there is nothing — I repeat, nothing — that
will stop me from buying the game. Unless Acclaim finally makes a game out
of my pitch Naked Chicks vs. Exploding Monkeys: Showdown at The Poop-Rave.
I haven't heard back from them yet, though.
RATING:
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Before
we get started, let's make sure we're all on the same page. When it
comes to reviewing a movie trailer — or a trailer for any media, for
that matter — I follow some very strict but fair guidelines that the
makers of that media have to follow if they want my interest. For the
subject matter to be entertaining, it must draw from a list of key elements
that I call the Five Underlying Criteria for Knowledgably Evaluating
Media — or FUCKEM for short. Here, listed for you in no particular
order, are those elements:
Rounding
out the trio of main characters in this film is the security guard.
I think he's kind of the straight man who somehow gets caught up in
the flurry of activity caused by the other two. They're probably always
trying to cause trouble or blow shit up, while all he really wants is
to sit back, relax, and watch his scrambled porn. He's the everyman
we can all relate to, and I'm sure he'll end up saving the day in some
way. I can just tell by looking at him. There are also a few less important
bit characters — like the crazy stoner who's always chasing sluts;
or the bouncer who won't let me into the strip club, no matter how
much I beg and plead with him (he'll be a hard nut to crack, I predict).