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Thankfully, this isn't the opening sequence of the trailer for The Matrix: Reloaded after all, but that of Biker Boyz, which treats us to the thrilling image of stocky black guys with large mustaches on effeminate-looking motorcycles, and then kind of collapses downhill from there. Orlando Jones walks into the scene and gives a heartfelt sermon about the motorcycle-riding prowess of our hero, Laurence Fishburne: "If you've never seen Smoke do his thing on a motorcycle, then you have never seen a brother on a motorcycle DO HIS THING!" While we're still reeling from the circular non-logic of this statement, the camera flashes to a hairier-than-usual Fishburne, perched daintily on a pink motorcycle and raising roofs with his hands. Given the image, it's uncomfortably vague what Fishburne's thing (which, by the way, if you never seen him do, you haven't) is meant to be here. Is his "thing" composed entirely of riding a motorcycle while sporting an enormous Village People mustache? Or is his "thing" meant to allude to how pretty he looks with his cute little pink bandana and matching pink bike? There don't seem to be many other things, anyway, that bear reporting. Smoke's crew, the Black Knights, appear to be the envy of every biker in California, not to mention outlying parts of Nevada, Arizona, and Mexico. But alas, there's a new kid in town, played by Derek Luke (Antwone Fisher) and aptly named, well, "Kid." Like most kids, Kid wants to prove himself, and soon steps up to call Smoke out. "Think you've got enough heart to race me?" Smoke counters. "I've got enough heart to prove you're not half the man you think you are," Kid responds, in another brain-twisting statement. Smoke fails to respond with: "I've got enough men to prove you don't have half the heart you think you have," though the circumstances seem to beg for it. It bears reporting that Biker Boyz features an acting debut by the gristly one hundred-pound package known as Kid Rock. Like Fishburne, Rock does his thing throughout the trailer. As with other facets of his life — his musical thing, his marriage to Pamela Anderson thing, his inability to feel profound shame thing — Rock introduces us to his acting thing in a way that leaves little doubt as to it most certainly being a very bad thing, best left undocumented by a history thing. Unlike previous efforts, Rock chooses to exercise his acting thing in a leather outfit that features, I should warn you, a pair of chaps. See, you take the Kid Rock. Then you add the hip-hop. Then you add the Southern rock. Then you weep, uncontrollably and with pity, for anybody unbraced by previous helpings of Kid Rock who might get the full without-warning brunt of his chapped display. Kid Rock's thespian debut occurs alongside Laurence Fishburne on a highway cliffside. The two men share a steely gaze, as if to size up each other's ability to grow wispy, boy-like facial hair (Rock being well in the lead on this, by the way). "You ain't got the heart to be the king of Cali," taunts Rock. "I can tell by looking in your eyes." There's that "heart" thing again. The scriptwriter seems to have a bit of a cardiological fixation going on, along with a sketchy knowledge of anatomy.
Up until this point, the editor has deceived us into thinking Biker Boyz would be about super big-tough Smoke and his dainty pink bike, kicking the snot out of punks like Kid. We now find the trailer switching tracks, focusing instead on the whiny Kid. As pink motorcycles are nowhere to be seen throughout this, this change should rightly be applauded. It turns out, in fact, that Kid has a knack for charming the ladies. The trailer cuts to a nightclub, with Kid oafishly blocking the way of a young hottie. "My name is Kid," he states, oddly unembarrassed. Offscreen, Kid Rock calls his lawyer over this unauthorized lyrical sampling from his hit "Bawitdaba". "You want a medal for that or something?" she replies. No medals are in evidence on her person, so it's odd that she'd make this offer. "Nah, just some conversation," he says. Despite her frigidity, the safe money is on this girl falling for Kid by the movie's end. Why? Because movies are stupid. The trailer then sets up the rest of Biker Boyz' already tiring plot. Apparently, Kid wants to join Smoke's gang, but they won't let him because his name is ridiculous, among other reasons. In retribution, Kid starts up his own gang, and the Biker Boyz™ are born. Most likely there is some more bike racing crammed in here somewhere. Kid gets a few of his little buddies together and forms the vision, mandate, and goal of his brave new organization: "We gonna win more lids than any crew on the set, and we gonna out-hustle any crew off the set!" they proclaim with confidence. I couldn't have said it better myself. What the hell is a lid, anyway? Because I'm assuming they don't mean the top of my extra-chunky peanut butter jar. Either way, they can have it if they want it; I'm not going to stop them. In fact, I'm just going to leave the peanut butter out on the front porch for them to take, and assume this is the last I'll thankfully hear of Biker Boyz.
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What the hell? Isn't that Morpheus riding a candy cane-colored motorcycle? What happened to his hovership? Why's he have a handlebar mustache bigger than his handlebars? Man, these Matrix sequels are going to be a huge letdown.
"Look
again!" Smoke retorts, whipping off his sunglasses and inviting
Kid Rock to observe the amount of heart he has, apparently through his
eyes. Kid Rock takes a deep look, gauges Fishburne's got-the-heart levels
through means unknown to us, and the matter is quietly dropped. Should
you ever find yourself in a similar situation, with a cocaine-thin
leather-chapped hillbilly calling into question your amounts of heart,
take note of Fishburne's actions here. Simply allow the hillbilly to
check how much heart you have through your eyes, and he will
be satisfied. Also, be sure to carry extra amounts of heart in your
trunk, should you run out on the highway.