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Consequently, I try to keep this in mind when reviewing movies and movie trailers alike — but every now and again I find myself so floored by something so utterly ludicrous that I feel the need to speak up: I can buy time travel. I can buy evil ghosts. I can buy sexy vampires and bullet time. Hell, I’ll even swallow gigantic sandworms from outer space if the premise is set up just right. But I'm sorry — I will never, in a hundred million years, believe in an attractive writer. I’ve seen a lot of writers in my day – hell, I’ve even worked with a few – and I can tell you with some degree of authority that they are a damned ugly breed. Writers are, as a rule, one or more of the following:
These traits are not usually caused by the occupation of writing itself, but rather the personality types good writers have to begin with that makes them want to become writers. When you’re home on a Saturday night, there’s not much else to do except hole yourself up in your dank little room and write a short story or two about an antisocial virgin who eventually finds love on match.com. In Alex & Emma, a preposterously square-jawed and limpid-eyed Luke Wilson plays a good-looking (har har) writer named Alex. A…very…good-looking writer. You might even go so far as to call him a physically perfect specimen of manhood. Yeow! I love you, Luke Wilson! Any time you want it, baby! Bring Owen along for the ride, even! Holy lord god, that is one gene pool that I wouldn’t mind diving into headfirst! Hooooo damn! Okay. Yes. What I meant to say was that I had a great deal of respect for the man prior to Legally Blonde. After that, though, there was just no way that I would ever allow that strong, handsome, intriguing man to love me — love me deeply, in a passionate, intensely physical and primal way. However often, and in any freaky movie star positions he would like, for many, many consecutive hours at a time. No way. Most likely no way. Except also probably yes.
So Alex has thirty days to write his masterpiece. But apparently, he’s one of those two-fingered typers. Enter Emma (professional Black Crowes groupie Kate Hudson), an alluring yet mouthy stenographer. In addition to typing up his story, Emma serves to point out Alex’s awful writing clichés and also acts as his muse, inspiring several different characters in Alex’s book — Ylva, Elsa, Eldora and the enchanting Anna (multiple characters played by one actor has annoyed the b’jesus out of me ever since Meg Ryan ran that gag into the ground in Joe Versus the Volcano), the love interest competing against the buxom Polina (Sophie Marceau of Braveheart and La Boum fame) for Adam's (Lukey)’s affections. Predictably, the budding relationship between the attractive stenographer and the attractive writer illuminates the novel that emerges, and the trailer points to a happy ending in both worlds as Michelle Branch croons a bland little love song. Aww. Whatever. If anyone out there knows Luke Wilson, could you have him give me a call? Seriously. Baby. One night. No strings, Luke. Think about it.
RATING:
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It
usually goes without saying that one must willingly suspend their disbelief
when they go to the movies. The real world and the world of the cinema,
after all, are not one in the same. I learned this sad-but-true fact
of life when I was six, and noticed that I did not turn into a mermaid
like Daryl Hannah no matter how diligently I went to swimming lessons
or spilled water on my lap, accidentally or otherwise.
Anyway.
In keeping with all things preposterous (i.e. attractive professional
writers; the prospect of Luke Wilson ever wanting to sleep with me;
etc.), Alex the writer has a bit of a dilemma. It seems he’s accrued
one hundred thousand dollars in gambling debts, and needs to pay them
off in thirty days. What is attractive Alex the writer’s solution,
you ask? Why, finish his book, of course! Everyone knows that writing
a book, getting it published, and watching it fly off of the shelves
at Indigo is the quickest and easiest way to make hundreds of thousands
of dollars, gay-ron-teed! Why, I’m writing my future best seller
right now! See you later, bland office job! 
