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2 Fast 2 Furious is the inevitable sequel to 2001’s unexpected, unnecessary and wholly inexplicable hit The Fast and the Furious — or, if we give into the logic of the titling here, Just Fast and Furious Enough, Though Not Exceedingly Fast and Furious. (As a general rule, though, try to avoid giving into the logic of films starring guys named Vin Diesel, Vin Unleaded, or Vin Anything really, or else you'll soon find yourself wearing muscle shirts and talking only in affected, heavily congested grunts, which I'm sure you'll agree will help no one.) The title alone should give you a good idea of what you're walking into here, since it was apparently devised either by people not equal to the draining burden that adverbs require, or pop icon Prince. Either way, 2 Fast 2 Furious seems to suggest that any theater-goer who thought the first movie in this franchise was lacking in the fast/furious department will now finally be given the excessive, even needlessly indulgent, portioning of fastness and fury that previously eluded them. The trailer, unfortunately,
seems to belie this premise. Oh sure, there’s plenty of 'fast'
to go around, I suppose, with cars zipping this way and that, down streets,
through barriers, past a surprised-looking Coolio — but where,
I ask you, is the recklessly extravagant supply of 'furious' we were
promised? Everyone in the trailer seems to be smiling and happy, or
more likely blissfully oblivious. They cheer and flirt and laugh with
nary a trace of fury to be seen. Perhaps the film should be retitled
2 Fast 2B Furious (indicating such an intense preoccupation with
fastness that fury got pushed to the sidelines), thus avoiding false
advertising lawsuits. Adding to the already
alarming fury deficit, the film's heroes drive around in cars that could
at best be described, if you were charitable and squinted, as "mildly
exasperated" or "not really overjoyed." Bright pinks, subdued
yellows and tastefully placid greens rule the day. It’s as though
they had their paint jobs done by a maternity store in the mid-1980s
and just haven’t gotten around to updating them. “But wait,”
you say. “You said there was still 'fast’. I would like to
hear more about the aforementioned ‘fast’.”
In addition to the
letter ‘e’, this film is also quite notably missing Vin Diesel,
the star of its prequel. The fact that the film’s directors couldn’t
get an actor barely more sentient than a fatty cut of tenderloin to
scratch his initials on a contract for such an obvious money-grab seems
to scream trouble. When the poster boy for brain dead id-driven pap
bows out, you’ve likely hit a new low. Fortunately, there
are plenty of idiots lining up to take his place. For instance, there’s
the guy with the super-big afro, who just starts the races, but never
actually drives as he can’t fit his gargantuan coif into a car.
There’s
the guy who, in spite of his lack of scowls and frowns, seems to provide
what miniscule allotments of fury the film is prepared to offer. He
claims to have “a problem with authority," which seems to
be backed up by the fact that he drives through solid steel barriers
in his magic indestructible supercar. “Guns, murderers and crooked
cops? I was made for this,” he boasts at another point, which begs
the question: who made him, and why? Do they regret their decision now?
Was he made by accident, like Penicillin? Was his discovery later lamented
bitterly, like Hacky Sacks? Is there any chance he’ll be recalled
by the manufacturer soon? And, of course — where is God, and why
would he allow this? A third protagonist
comes in the form of our wiry token white skid. He’s the live wire
of the group, as evidenced by the fact that he drives up to 140 mph
(Xtreme!) while not watching the road at all (Xtrem!)
as he’s too busy staring at the pretty-good-looking-but-not-good-looking-enough-to-wind-up-a-blood-smear-on-the-road
girl in the passenger seat (also Xtrem, possibly even Xtrm, we'll
get back to you on that!). The girl asks him, as any sensible human
might, to watch the road while steering a large fast-moving vehicle
along it. This only eggs him on more (okay, definitely Xtrm!).
To her credit, the girl remains as outwardly stoic as possible under
the circumstances, when inside she’s undoubtedly cursing herself
for answering the personal ad that read “I like warm fires, walks
on the beach and driving recklessly, causing horrific accidents and
killing dozens.” As an aside, maybe
I’m dating the wrong girls; the women I’ve gone out with have
always become enraged when I so much as tailgate a little bit. Girls
with death wishes and/or high thresholds for the retarded suicidal antics
of their boyfriends are such lower maintenance.
We’re also
treated to a bunch of quick shots of parties, SWAT teams "Go!-Go!-Go!"ing
and a car containing one of our dumber-than-paint protagonists being
run over by an 18-wheeler, only the latter of which really holds much
appeal for me. In fact, upon watching this scene, I I found myself wishing
that that car contained everyone who had anything to do with this film’s
production. And perhaps that’s
where the genius of the film’s title comes in. You watch all of
these stupid, fast people do stupid, fast things with no real regard
for anything other than how cool it looks (and how cool the 40-car pileups
they undoubtedly cause will look). You then realize that many, many
stupid people will love this movie. So many people will love it, in
fact, that there will surely be more installments in the franchise.
3 Fast, 3 Furious next summer, followed by 22 Fast 2222 Furious the summer after, with OU8 Furious 2 Fast due out by 2006. Furious yet? Yeah, me too.
RATING (for people who
like the fast):
  RATING (for people who like the furious): |
Hollywood
has done it again. It’s managed to tap into the collective psyche
of America and create yet another movie about stupid people, for
stupid people, by stupid people.
Yessir,
the fast in this movie is so fast, just dropping the ‘e’ from
the beginning of the word ‘extreme’ and calling it ‘Xtreme’
doesn’t seem to cut it. No, you'd have to drop the ‘e’
at the end for much of the movie, and in some choice scenes, you would
have to do away with the letter ‘e’ altogether. 2 Fast
2 Furious starts at Xtrem, with gusts ranging all the way up to
Xtrm. “That
movi sur was Xtrm, ddi!” someone might exclaim, assuming their
friend was named Eddie, and that they were, of course, a moron. They
would then likely continue the streak by emulating the film on their
drive home, seguing to their Xtrm Funrals two days later. Please note
that this is not being put forward as a bad thing. 
Our
heroes drive around dangerously (though sadly not furiously), performing
ridiculous stunts for no real reason on crowded highways. They also
break into a wall to get at tons of cash. No mention if made of whose
cash it is or what it’s for. But to be fair, the trailer shows
an awful lot of it, so for those of you who like seeing LOTS OF CASH
for no discernible reason, this movie is tailormade for you. The trailer
also doesn’t mention why the cash is in a wall. It seems like an
odd place to do your banking; every time you make a deposit, you have
to take the money right back out again to hire a drywaller to fix up
your bank. Perhaps the wall pays high interest rates and has low user
fees. Or maybe the money is built into the drywall itself, ensuring an
effective theft-proof device unless actually hit with an object of some
kind.