The Lollipop: A Play in Two Scenes

October 15th, 2001 Posted in Cubicle Blues

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Rob Stockman: Senior VP of Acquisitions
Aimee: his gland-achingly hot blonde assistant
Jay: humanity’s answer to the question “What is the personification of awkwardness and shame?”

SCENE I: a meeting room. Rob, Aimee and Jay sit at a circular table and discuss revisions to a powerpoint presentation, which Rob is cycling through on his laptop and projecting up on a viewing screen.

Rob: “…okay, moving on to Section II: Corporate Marketing. Jay, could we make that graphic a little bigger? It’s hard to read.”

Jay: [making notes] “Sure.”

Rob: “Super. And this next forty page section?”

Jay: “The one I was here until nine o’clock last night formatting?”

Rob: “Yeah. Could we get rid of it completely? Jessica’s changed her mind. It doesn’t speak to our value proposition.”

Jay: [long meditated pause] “Sure.”

Rob: “Super. We’ve written out a few notes in shorthand here on the new direction. Aimee, could you be a dear and go get some photocopies of these for Jay?”

Aimee: “I’ll be back in five minutes!” [grabs notes and jiggles off]

Jay: [mesmerized by sight of Aimee getting up to leave]

Rob: [still staring at screen] “Alright, moving on. Jay, can we bring this next part out to three pages? Deiter thought it’d speak more to our corporate vision if we drilled down on the value-adds.”

Jay: “What? Uh, yeah. Sure.”

Rob: “Super. And can we change this graph around?”

Jay: “No, that’s actually a scanned picture of a graph. I’d have to completely redo it.”

Rob: “That’s super. It’s just that we’d really like to see the part where it says “value added” changed to “added value” so it fits in better with our value proposition. So could you change that? Thanks.”

Jay: “I – sure.”

Aimee: [re-entering with copies] “Here you go, guys.” [sits down and opens lollipop] “The perm staffing department’s got a tray full of lollipops! You should both grab one while they’re still there!”

Rob: [still staring at screen] “Unh hunh, super. Jay, can we get Phil from I.T. to get us a better spec rundown on this? I don’t think it speaks to our value proposition.”

[Aimee turns her attention to screen and starts licking tip of lollipop with tip of tongue]

Jay: [frozen in shock]

Rob: [still staring at screen] “Jay? Can you get in touch with Phil on this?”

Jay: “Oh. Yeah, sure, Rob. I’ll give Phil a call and see if he can’t bring the spec sheet up a little so it…”

[Aimee starts to lick lollipop in circular motions around tip, then sucks back the entire round bulb into mouth, keeping lollipop inside her mouth for a minute and sucking on it before slowly bringing back out again to lick tip as she stares at screen]

Jay: [frozen in shock] “….so it….uh….so we can…do stuff….with it.”

[Still watching screen, Aimee submerges lollipop back through her lips and sucks hard on it, until her cheeks concave with the suction. She slowly brings it back out again, a thin string of saliva trailing from her bottom lip to the lollipop, then begins playfully twirling her tongue along the tip as she tightens her grip on the base of the lollipop stick. Her fingers run up and down the stick absently, as if dancing]

Rob: [still staring at screen] “Super. And for this next section, I’d like to see twelve giraffes stacked into a pyramid on top of a WWII-era tank, and maybe we could paint big yellow polka dots on a tree and blast it into space. I think this would speak to our value proposition in space.”

Jay: [frozen in shock, adjusting now uncomfortable pants] “Yes. Sure.”

Rob: “Great. And can we change the font colour to red in this section to bring it out more?”

[The lollipop once again disappears into Aimee’s mouth, but only briefly, as she begins bringing the lollipop bulb in and out of her mouth with quick sucking motions. Then, still watching the screen, she rests the lollipop on her tongue for a moment, before it once again disappears, this time for a good long suck]

Jay: “Oh sweet Jesus.”

Rob: “Super. And that wraps it up then!”

[Hearing this, Aimee abruptly takes lollipop out of mouth, and gets up to leave]

Jay: [snapping back suddenly] “What? No! God!”

Rob: [staring with confusion] “Uh. No, I think we’re done.”

Jay: “But…but…” [flipping frantically through notes] “But I wasn’t quite clear on Section VI! Did you say you wanted the graph smaller?”

Rob: [immensely pleased that he’ll get to hear himself talk again] “Ah. No. I said I wanted the graph bigger. Maybe we should go through that again.”

Jay: “Super.” [heartrate slowing to normal]

[Rob and Aimee reseat themselves. Rob opens laptop and finds place. Aimee places lollipop back into supple mouth]

Jay: [heartrate speeding up drastically] “Oh sweet Jesus.”

SCENE II: Aimee’s cubicle

Aimee: [tapping absently on keyboard]

Jay: [popping head around] “Hi, Aimee.”

Aimee: “When I press the ESC button it makes a silly noise!”

Jay: “Really? That’s great! Say, listen, Rob wanted to have a look at the revised Section V, but he said he was booked up with another meeting. He asked if you could sit in for him.”

Aimee: “Sure!”

Jay: “Hey, great! I booked us a room to do it in! A meeting room. To go over the presentation in.”

Aimee: “Great! Let’s go!”

Jay: “And look! I got you another lollipop!”

Aimee: “Oh, wow! I thought they were all gone!”

Jay: [hiding lollipop receipt] “I managed to scrounge one up!”

Aimee: “Jay, you’re the best!”

Jay: “Ha! Ha! Ha!”

[Aimee packs up things and walks away to meeting room]

Jay: “Oh sweet Jesus.”

fin