Sympathy For The Devil
October 16th, 2002 Posted in 2002“Hello, Rogers Cable, how may I help you?”
“Hi, thanks. I was just looking through my bill. You’ve been charging me $60 a month?”
[click clack clack] “That’s correct, sir.”
“For the internet, right?”
[click clack clack] “That’s correct, sir.”
“JUST the internet connection?”
[pause]
[click clack clack] “Yes, sir.”
“Well—well, that’s insane. Sixty dollars a month? For the internet? I signed a deal for forty dollars.”
“Yes, sir. However, because you have decided not to purchase cable television, we have to charge you twenty dollars for the connection fee in addition to your internet services.”
[pause]
“You people are crazy like foxes, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry, sir?”
“Alright. Let’s say I wanted cable. How much would that cost?”
“Sixty-five dollars a month. That’s for basic cable only, sir.”
“Right. So sixty-five dollars for internet and cable. Or forty dollars for just cable, plus twenty dollars for a ‘cable charge’, plus tax?”
[click clack clack] “That’s correct, sir.”
[pause]
“You people are such whores, you know that?”
“I’m sorry, sir?”
“Look. Honestly now. Sixty dollars for the internet is insane. What deals do you have? Is there a Lite internet or something I could get or something?”
[click clack clack] “We DO have a Lite Cable connection, sir. It’s twenty dollars less a month. However, it IS significantly slower.”
“How much slower?”
“Our premium cable service, sir, is 2 megabytes. Our lite service is 125 kilobytes.”
“2 megabytes? What does that mean? A second?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’ve been with you people for a year now. The day I get two megabytes a second is the day I’ll gladly pay you $60 a month.”
“That’s optimum, sir.”
“Okay. What’s average?”
“About 750 kilobytes a second, sir.”
“And the Lite?”
“About 250 kilobytes a second, sir.”
[pause]
“Can I get the Lite version, please? NOW?”
[click clack clack] “Certainly, sir. But you’ll have to speak to a different department.”
“Fine. When are they open?”
“Next Monday.”
“I see. We can’t do this right now.”
“I’m sorry, sir. You need to go through them.”
“And they’re only open one day a week?”
“Yes, sir.”
[pause]
“GOD, you people are good.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Fine. Whatever. Don’t think this is forgotten. I WILL phone next Monday.”
“Certainly, sir. I should mention that there is a fifty dollar downgrading fee attached to subscribing to Rogers Lite.” (I’m NOT kidding here.)
“A fifty dollar fee?”
“Yes, sir.”
“For DOWNGRADING my service?”
“Yes, sir.”
[pause]
“I—I—this is amazing. You’ve actually perfected fucking customers over to a complete science.”
[click clack clack] “Thank you, sir. Please be sure to visit www.rogers.ca to mention this service call, and your satisfaction with it.”
[dial tone]
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