Superman

Superman:
“Blast! I’ve arrived too late and Lois has been buried under
an avalanche!”

Jimmy
Olsen: “Holy gosh — she’s dead, Superman.”

Superman:
“Yes.” [pause] “Unless…”

Jimmy
Olsen: “You’ve got a plan?”

Superman:
“Indeed I do, Jimmy. I intend to fly an incredible speed
around the Earth, thus reversing the planet’s rotation and SENDING
US BACK IN TIME.”

Jimmy
Olsen: “Wotta scoop!” [takes picture of Superman]

LATER

Lois:
“I can’t thank you enough for rescuing me from that avalanche,
Superman. It would have killed me for sure. But how did you ever
know to come save me just in the nick of time?”

Superman:
“I’m afraid that’s a trade secret, Lois.” [winks
at Jimmy. They both share a laugh at Lois’ expense]

Lois:
“What? What are you guys laughing at?”

Superman
& Jimmy Olsen: [laughing harder at her confusion]

Lois:
“You guys are such assholes.” [storms off]

Superman II

Zod:
“Son of Jorel - kneel before ZOD!”

Superman:
“I’ll never kneel before scum like yourself!”

Jimmy
Olsen: “Wotta scoop!” [klik!]

Zod:
“Then you are not the coward we’d thought. That’s all good.
Still
— you are clearly outnumbered. There are three of us, and
combined we are more powerful than you could ever be.”

Superman:
“I’d expect scum you like to say something like that.”

Zod:
“Once again, Superman — kneel before ZOD!”

Superman:
“I think not, scum. I’ve got another plan in mind
that I think will fit scum like yourselves perfectly.”

Zod:
“I — please stop calling us scum.”

Superman:
“Never, scum!”

Zod:
“Look, really. All pretense aside, just guys talking here
— stop it. It makes you sound like an idio—”

Superman:
“Maybe a flight around the Earth at incredible speeds, thus
reversing the planet’s rotation, will fix your wagons!”

Zod:
“Flying around the Earth at incredible speeds, thus reversing
the planet’s rotation? No! Our one weakness!”

Superman:
“Ah ha ha ha! That’s right! I did a little research on you
scum before coming here!”

Zod:
“But wherever would you get such information?”

Superman:
“At the PUBLIC LIBRARY.”

LATER

Lois:
“Everything seems to be back to normal, Superman. You really
did it! You beat Zod and his henchmen!”

Superman:
“Don’t thank me, Lois. Thank the Earth’s ability to
reverse its rotation and magically fix everything.”

Lois:
[pause] “Um.” [gets down on knees] “Thank
you, uh—” [pats ground]

Superman:
“I was being rhetorical, Lois.”

Lois:
“Oh.”

Superman:
“No no. Don’t get up.”

Superman III

Lois:
“So that’s it! Superman is really CLARK KENT! Oh my
fuck, it all makes so much sense!”

Superman:
[in bathroom, pants and cape around ankles on toilet] “Don’t
you ever KNOCK?!”

Lois:
“I can’t believe it! All this time!”

Superman:
[hastily zipping self up] “Hell’s bells, woman…”

Lois:
“I’ve gotta call Perry. This is page one!”

Superman:
“Wait, Lois! Before you go, there’s just ONE thing
I need to do first.”

Lois:
“You’re not going to fly around the Earth at incredible speed,
thus reversing the planet’s rotation again, are you?”

Superman:
“Lois, I intend to fly around the Earth at incred —
wait, how’d you know I was going to say that?”

Lois:
[coughing] “Crutch!”

LATER

Superman:
“I’m back! I reversed the Earth’s rotation!”

Lois:
[confused] “I don’t… understand. So now I can’t
tell anybody you’re really Clark Kent?”

Superman:
“Yep! Went around the Earth!” [spins finger]
“Turned it the other way!”

Lois:
“I…” [pause] “Does that even make sense?
I just don’t…”

Superman:
“No time to answer questions now, Lois. Now itf you’ll excuse
me… I have to TAKE A DUMP!” [flies into bathroom,
wind slams door shut]

Superman VIII

Jimmy Olsen: “Man, this Coke bottle just…unfh!…won’t…engh!…open!”

Superman:
“Something I can help you with, Jimmy?”

Jimmy
Olsen: “Superman, great! I’m glad you’re here! Can you use
your super-strength to open this Coke?”

Superman:
“I’ll go you one better, Jimmy. I’ll fly this bottle of Coca
Cola around the Earth at incredible speed, thus reversing the
bottle’s rotation!”

Jimmy
Olsen: “Wait. I just found a can opener. Can I get that bottle
back?”

Superman:
“No! Off I go!”

LATER

Jimmy
Olsen: “You’re back, Superman!”

Superman:
“I am!”

[pause]

Jimmy
Olsen: “And my Coke?”

Superman:
“It exploded, Jimmy. It turns out I was flying just a little
too incredibly fast for it.”

Jimmy
Olsen: “Oh.”

Superman:
“Got it all over my costume too.” [dabs costume]
“Hmm. Sticky.”

Jimmy:
“Right.”

Superman:
“On the bright side, I turned back time while flying around
the Earth at incredible speeds, so technically that Coke is still
waiting for you in that Coke machine!”

Jimmy:
“Right. The Coke bottle that wouldn’t open.”

Superman:
“Got you covered there too, Jimmy!” [picks up Jimmy’s
bottle opener from desk] “There you go.”

Jimmy:
“Thanks. Superman.”

Superman:
“Off to help others!”

SUPERMAN XVI

Superman:
“I’m back! Have the alien invaders left?”

Lois:
“Yes, Superman. They sat here patiently and watched while
you flew around the Earth at incredible speeds. Then they made
jokes about you and pointed every time you flew by. Then they
got bored after an hour and left.”

Superman:
“Perfect!”

Lois:
“By the way, there’s twelve other Supermans in the other
room. All your time travel manipulation seems to have created
them.”

Superman:
“Really? Wuh oh.” [cracks open door and peeks in.
Twelve Supermans are huddled in the middle of the room, fighting
over a globe and arguing over which way it should go]

Superman
6: “Clockwise!”

Superman
10: “You scum! Counter-clockwise!”

Superman:
“Ha ha ha! Those Supermans! Will they EVER learn?”

Lois:
“Are you feeling alright?”

Superman:
“No time to talk, Lois. I have to go fly around the Earth.”

Lois:
“But why?”

Superman:
[pained] “I — don’t know. But I CAN’T STOP.
I may not ever be coming back, Lois. Tell Jimmy I love him.”

Lois:
“He knows, Superman.”

Superman:
“No, I mean gay love him.”

Lois:
“He knows, Superman.”

Jimmy
Olsen: [heard in background] “Notta scoop!”
[absence of klik! noise]

Superman:
“Wow. Really? Does he know I videotaped him in the shower
a few times?”

Lois:
“I don’t know. I could ask, if you like.”

Superman:
“No, don’t worry about it. The siren song of flying around
the Earth super-fast beckons me, Lois. Goodbye.”

[Lois
has already left room]

Superman:
“Mm.”