Stormtrooper Office Policy Manual

April 26th, 2005 Posted in Articles

Welcome to the Death Star, ____________! This Office Policy and Procedure Manual (”Handbook”) is provided for your use as a handy reference and as a summary of the personnel policies and benefits of working for the Galactic Empire (the “Company”). It is designed to acquaint you with the Company’s policies as quickly as possible.

Accordingly, you will find it to your advantage to read the entire Handbook promptly, or you will be asphyxiated through the use of magical space powers (the “Force”) and have your lifeless body thrown out of an airlock.

3.2 - Disciplinary Measures

a. On Failing Us for the First Time
“Failing” will be defined as unexcused absences, excessive absenteeism, rude or insuborniate behavior and/or allowing the Rebels to escape the clutches of the Company. Employee will receive a verbal warning.

b. On Failing Us for the Last Time
Employee will be asphyxiated through the use of the “Force” and have lifeless body thrown out of an airlock. Benefits will be suspended.

3.4 - Personal Appearance

a. Dress, grooming and personal cleanliness
Company standards contribute to the morale of all Stormtroopers and affect the business image we present to clients, visitors and planets under our control. During Death Star business hours, Stormtroopers are expected to groom all beards.

b. Contraband Apparel
Any employee caught on the premises wearing clothing related to the Star Trek or Babylon 5 franchises will be immediately suspended until further notice.

3.6 - Sexual Harrassment

a. Sexual harrassment is essential to the efficient operation of the Company’s business. Any employee caught not harrassing a fellow employee sexually will be asphyxiated through the use of the “Force” and have lifeless body thrown out of an airlock.

4.1 - Discretionary Policy

a. Operational Status of Death Star
From time to time the Company may falsify the operational status of the Death Star in an effort to destroy rebel scum. The Company requests that Stromtrooper personnel avoid discussing operational status of Death Star with non-personnel, so as not to contradict or undermine these rebel scum-killing initiatives.

4.2 - Breakroom Policy

a. Break Room Muffins
The Company provides a delicious assortment of muffins in all Death Star breakrooms every Friday as a morale-boosting measure. Please do not abuse this privelege! (i.e., taking muffins home). If any Stormtroopers are caught abusing the Death Star’s Friday Muffin Day will receive a reprimand to be noted on his/her permanent record.

b. Keep Our Break Rooms Clean!
Treat break room kitchens as you would your own. Nobody likes a messy sink!