Steven Wells is a Sensible Goddamn Man

May 22nd, 2006 Posted in 2006

Still getting nestled into the new server here — hopefully most of the bugs’ll be worked out by tomorrow. If you’re getting dead links, red x’s or other associated oddities, please bear with me. A few quick notes in lieu of a proper update:

Madonna’s Dancers
I stumbled on this disturbing image earlier in the morning, of Madonna’s I Can’t Believe I’m Still Doing This Either tour, or whatever it’s actually called. Here she is gyrating onstage in a desperate, grasping attempt to still be provocative and in my face:

I don’t know what the guy on the left there — the sad-looking fellow in the feather boa and leather suspenders — is thinking in this photo, but if I was forced to guess, here are my nominations:

• [sarcastically] “Whew, Madonna, it’s a good thing we were all so careful, or we’d be up here dressed like retards right now.”
• “All of a sudden dental school doesn’t sound so ridiculous.”
• “…kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me…”
• “Finally, an outfit that tells the world what I’ve always wanted it to know: ‘I am the moistest sex pervert of all.’”

Adbusters

I hope I’m not breaking the fourth wall for anyone, but contrary to the “vitriolic rant machine” persona he puts forward on his website (and now bestselling book), Maddox is actually a swell guy. He proved this the other day by emailing me with the helpful information that I was apparently mentioned in the latest issue of AdBusters. Being an enormous ego-whore, I of course leapt out of the nearest window and windsprinted to the closest newsstand, where a quick scan revealed that, indeed, I am mentioned in the latest issue of Adbusters. Written by Steven Wells, it’s a ridiculously flattering name drop, an excerpt of which I’ve presented here:

And then there’s the amazing work of Jay Pinkerton. Pinkerton isn’t the first copyright-flouting scofflaw to come up with the idea of putting new words into other folks’ speech bubbles. But he might well be the funniest. On his website jaypinkerton.com you’ll find the Punisher blasting the chimney that raped his bear father, male cops licking each others faces to summon Spider-Man, and Spider-Man telling the Punisher, “If I catch you, I’m going to fuck you.” Top stuff.

And so on from there. The thrust of the article, as it turns out, is that the recent Marvel Comics series Marvel Zombies is itself so irony-drenched, humorous and self-aware as to make the efforts of this website, and yours truly, obsolete. Still, who cares. Anyone willing to kiss my ass that splendidly in print can go right ahead and campaign for my forced retirement. Lastly…

Last Chromosome in Human Genome Sequenced
From cnn.com: “Scientists have reached a landmark point in one of the world’s most important scientific projects by sequencing the last chromosome in the Human Genome.” So there’s that. Science has finally caught up to my dreams for Marvel Universe-derived superpowers, the only kink being that now everyone else will want them too. My plan: get them first. Then: eye-beam destruction. Problem: solves self.

Gene-tinkered super soldier Captain America (read: me) battles valiantly against dreaded super-menace Adolph Hitler (read: people who get in my way or whatever).