Sending Your Kids to College: Should You?

March 30th, 1998 Posted in Essays

For most parents, there is no greater joy than watching your son - or in some unfortunate cases, your daughter - collect their diploma on graduation day. Watching with pride as your offspring collects their hard-earned diploma offers many couples a feeling of mutual accomplishment and affection that will often push forward the consideration of having a torrid affair by months or even years.

However, startling new studies have led investment specialists to wonder if child futures are as wise an investment as previously thought. According to a recently published report by Milhausen and Schmidt, over 57% of teens and 34% of children are stupid. The news has forced parents everywhere to look more closely at both their portfolios and their offspring, asking difficult questions. Will your college fund investment pay off in the long term? Are cheaper, poorer-quality schools the answer? Or should you consider cutting your losses entirely, putting your child up for adoption while there’s still time?

Alfred Collingham, a New York-based financial planner, has been counseling parents for years on the risks involved with investing in mildly dim, or in some cases even immensely sub-standardly intelligent children.

“Parents need to be aware of the risks,” he explains. “For every one child to become a doctor or lawyer and pay off big down the road, four others will make minimum wage getting a good head of froth on that doctor or lawyer’s five dollar latté. The odds are not kind.” But how can parents tell if they’ve made an unwise investment?

“For unsure parents,” says Collingham, “I recommend a checklist. Does your child eat crayons? Does he or she eat continue eating crayons long after the point where common sense should have stepped in? Does your child run into walls? Is anything in your house coated with lead paint?”

Another risk may be weight. “Though obesity has never officially been linked to stupidity, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely,” Collingham explains. “In these cases it’s always better to err on the side of caution and cut your losses. Fat children, whether or not they’re also stupid, tend to cost more to raise, simply in terms of extra groceries and having to buy two seats for theater trips and airline flights.” In other words, sell off fat children early, before you’ve invested too much money and love.

With these sorts of looming risks threatening child-investment portfolios, where should parents look for the best possible growth in the next twenty years?

“Shop around,” says Collingham. “When your child has a birthday, pay attention to the quiet, unpopular kids. These will be the children to get heavily ostracized in high school, forcing them to concentrate more on scholastic achievement than football, clothes and drugs. Encourage the other children at the party to ostracize him or her further, if possible. Then invest in a college fund and wait for the child to mature.”

Additionally, remember that your son or daughter, in whom you’re investing tens of thousands of dollars, technically has no legal obligation to reimburse you. In other words, even if you beat the “fat and stupid” odds, there is still a chance that the steps you took to mitigate risks during their upbringing - contemplating adoption, weighing them, having them appraised - will make them ungrateful.

“A tuition fund becomes a trip to Palm Springs or a cigarette boat so easily,” says Collingham, “and you would be wise to never let them forget that.” Since parents can’t legally have children sign over future earnings, using guilt to your advantage is your best tactic. “Investing in a child means making sacrifices and offering a limitless capacity for love. Keep track of both of these factors. Remind your child often of your many sacrifices, and the love you could potentially be expending elsewhere, were they not drawing a limitless supply of it.”

“Above all,” concludes Collingham, “Be safe. Be cautious. And sell at the first sign of trouble. You’re not here to take unnecessary risks. You’re here to raise a child in the most loving, nurturing and profitable way possible. Never let them forget that.”