Scene: The Black Gate
Aragorn rides up to the Black Gate as 10,000 Gondorian warriors mount their horses and prepare for a final battle. The King of Gondor hammers on the Gate, and hollow-sounding, far-off echoes radiate from it, chilling the hearts of everyone present.
Aragorn: “May the lord of these lands come forth, so that justice may be done upon him!”
From inside the Black Gate, the sound of a television being turned off.
TV: “Wheel! Of! Fortune!” [click]
The sounds of scuffling. A voice:
Voice: “Hold on, I’m coming, I’m coming…”
The Black Gate creaks open anticlimactically. Sauron, wearing a bright purple housecoat and sipping at coffee (on the mug: World’s Worst Overlord!), pokes his head out. His eyes are bleary and 5 o’clock shadow coats the bottom of his face.
Dark Lord Sauron: “Yello?”
Sauron sees the host of 10,000 Gondorian warriors and spit-takes his coffee.
Dark Lord Sauron: “Could… could you excuse me for just a second?”
Inside come sounds of moving furniture, frantic looking and various other noises. Snippets of dialogue are heard:
“…of course I’m not kidding, go look for yourself…” “…well, I don’t know why they’re so pissed off, you want to go ask them?…” “…easily like 10,000 fucking guys out there! You fucking go out there!…” “I don’t know where the ring of power is, do I? If I did, I’d be wearing it, wouldn’t I! Stop asking stupid goddamn questions and help me look for my armor!” “…what? Why would he? You ask! That’s just stupid! I—fine!…”
The Black Gate creaks open again. Sauron creeps out, still wearing his housecoat. Various pieces of armor hang off of him—a forearm guard, chainmail pants, a shoulder guard with a sock hanging out of it.
Sauron: “Hi. Aragorn, right?”
Aragorn: “Yes, I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, keeper of the line of Numenor and bearer of Narsil, the sword that was broken and sh–”
Sauron: “Sure, okay, great. Listen, this might sound stupid? But I was wondering if you could come back tomorrow?”
Sauron bites his lower lip and looks at Aragorn hopefully.
Aragorn: “You… you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
Sauron: “Well, here’s the thing. We were sort of thinking we’d attack Gondor again in a few weeks, after you guys had rebuilt a little and we’d recuperated and… well, this is all just catching me a little off-guard.” [makes “crazy Mondays!” gesture] “Between you me and the Black Gate, I have got a to-do list this long I haven’t even looked at. But sometimes you just need to kick back, you know? Have a little Sauron time.”
Aragorn makes a “speed this along” gesture.
Sauron: “Right. Anyway. Tomorrow? I’d totally owe you next war.”
Aragorn walks off back to his troops, shaking his head.
Sauron: “So… that’s a no then?” [to self] “That’s a no. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. I swear, it’s always something…” [he storms back into Mordor] “Alright, look alive, you idiots! Apparently we’re at war again!”
Sound of 40,000 orcs saying “Awwwwwwwwww!”
Sauron: “Yeah, well, tell it to Big King Reforged Sword out there. Fucking… has anyone found my breastplate?”