Rick James (1948-2004)

August 9th, 2004 Posted in Obituaries

Super-Freak Sets Sights on Super-Reeking For 2005

Funk legend Rick James–best known for the 1981 hit “Super Freak” before his life tailspun into a living nightmare of wild sex parties, expensive drugs and shooting whoever he felt like–died Friday of Rick James-related illnesses. He was 56; in funk years, James was 4T-8 4 U.

James’ publicist told press earlier today that James died of natural causes. She also noted that anyone who believed this should immediately send their credit card information directly to James’ estate, to help fund a fart-powered supercar capable of boomeranging around Heaven at the speed of light, “teleporting his ghost into the cockpit and bringing it safely home.”

“Today the world mourns a legend of the funkiest kind,” said Prince earlier today, in an emotional statement issued from the sun roof of his hot pink penis-shaped limousine. “Rick James was the undisputed grandmaster of all that is, and will ever be, divine-freak-supafly-funky.” Prince then did something crazy, in all likelihood, and to the embarrassed horror of all present, before ducking back into his limo.

Born James A. Johnson Jr. in Buffalo, N.Y., motown singer Rick James shot up the charts in the early 70’s. 1980 proved a watershed year for James, with singles making the Billboard charts from a record-setting 66 albums released by him that year. Some of the most popular of the 178 singles were “Love Gun, “Girl, Get Into My Car (For Hard Fucking)”, “Bring The Freak Out On My Big Stuff”, “Gonna Buy Cocaine From U”, “Gotta Get Me Some (Big Fat Hookers)”, “Tonight’s The Night (For Hard Fucking)”, “Florist Clitoris” and the Grammy award-winning “Makin’ Lady Gravy With My Baby” (featured on the [i]The Big Chill [/i]soundtrack). MC Hammer would later steal the song’s famous baseline for his hit “Please Hammer, Don’t Make Us Hurt You”.

The 80’s would bring legal problems and health troubles for James, the most famous of these The People v. Rick James For Exposing Himself To Seniors and heart palpitations brought on from excessive genital manipulation at Sunny Acres Retirement Home, respectively.

James was convicted in 1993 of assaulting two women; first in 1991 when he burned a girl with a hot pipe for reasons known only to James (imaginary bats?); and a second time for burning a girl with a hot pipe only two weeks later while out on bail from the first offense, which he somehow posted despite being extremely wealthy.

A Los Angeles judge later called James’ actions “reprehensible,” though did note how impressive it was that he managed to score a date so quickly after a heavily-publicized female pipe-burning conviction. “Either he’s incredibly fucking charming,” he said, “or bitch needs to read a paper.”

James was not married. He is survived by legions of illigitimate children, all of whom intend to make a claim to James’ substantial fortune. This will be televised later this year on FOX as part of their new season’s reality programming, and is tentatively titled Proof You’re Too Stupid To Read.