Review: Rush Hour 2
I saw Rush Hour 2 this weekend. Watching it, I realized that this was yet another movie that’s basically impervious to reviews. It doesn’t matter. Jackie Chan kicks at people. Chris Tucker is… Chris Tucker. Roger Ebert could give the most scathing, well-reasoned review of his life, but if you had Chris Tucker’s head levitating beside him, emitting a high-pitched whine, it would erase all people’s memory of the event.
The movie was… Rush Hour 2. I laughed some times. Other times I was looking at my watch a bit. White people sure are lame. That’s funny. And if you like excessively gay stereotypes, I can think of at least one scene in this movie that will have you hurling your feces like a coked-up chimp.
So I can’t offer a review. It’s just Rush Hour. However, what I can do is offer you — yes, you! — the opportunity to be just as witty and scathing as Chris Tucker. It might look difficult, and I’ll admit it is a little dangerous. I won’t lie to you; your sass levels will be at maximum thresholds. You may pull apart from the torque. If you think you’re up to the challenge, however, try running through a few of the exercises below. Remember, your voice is a weapon: keep it at the high register of human hearing at all times. A good way to test yourself is to hold a glass up to your mouth when you talk. Is it vibrating? If it’s not, have someone lace you in the privates really hard, and keep trying.
LESSON ONE
A few basic exercises:
“I can’t believe you just [said/did/mimed through interpretive dance] that! Don’t you know you should never [do/say/mime through interpretive dance] that in front of a black man? Yeah, YOU know.” [bug eyes out]
“Goddamn! Every time you be [talking/walking/existing in some manner], you be all [in the manner of a beacon/calling attention to oneself] that you ain’t a brother! Man, you like [excessively Caucasian celebrity] in a suit!”
“I’m gonna get all [person/place/icon associated with fighting] on your ass now! Watch out!” [bug eyes out]
“Don’t you try me now, girl! You might not know it, but I’m all [amusing mispronunciation of martial art] and shit! Yeah, NOW you know.” [amusing mispronunciation of martial art battle cry]
“Goddamn, whatchoo talkin bout! What you MEAN I’m [doing/saying/running at something] wrong? Damn, man, don’t you know I’m all [person celebrated for doing/saying running at something]? Yeah, I’m the black [aforementioned celebrated person]. I be all [miming action of celebrated person] with soul, YOU know.”
“Don’t you ever [move/alter/come into contact with] a black man’s [possession]! Man, I am gonna kick your ass back to [place known for having no blacks in it].”
LESSON TWO
Now, let’s incorporate these exercises into a real-life Rush hour situation:
“I can’t believe you just semaphored that! Don’t you know you should never semaphore that in front of a black man? Yeah, YOU know.” [bug eyes out] “I’m gonna get all Madison Square Garden on your ass now! Watch out!” [bug eyes out] “Don’t you try me now, girl! You might not know it, but I’m all black fu and shit! Yeah, NOW you know. HOOOO-wahhhh! Yeah!”
“Don’t you ever sauter a black man’s motherboard! Man, I am gonna kick your ass back to Iceland. Goddamn! Every time you be doing applied mathematics, you be all lighting yourself on fire that you ain’t a brother! Man, you like John Tesh in a suit!”