The Book of Obadiah

 

All this lengthy backstory, assuming you didn't skip over it, should give you some perspective about the city of Edom. The Edomites had revolted against Judah shortly before it folded like a lawn chair and Jehoram got buried out behind a waffle house. News soon reached them that Judah'd gotten the desert warfare equivelant of a pantsing and a shove into the girl's bathroom. Edom responded by partying like it was 1 B.C., throwing the wickedest hot oil 'n' backrubs fuck-party available. I don't want to put words in the Edomites' mouths here, but I'll bet they even had ribs. (In my experience, it's not really celebrating unless there's ribs involved.) Groups of Edomites even snuck into the Judah after the invasion, drunk off their asses and mooning nearby statues, stealing everything that hadn't already been taken by the invading armies (some cracked bowls; a few three-legged horses; all the fat ugly virgins; etc.). Adding insult to injury, Edom even snagged all the sweet trade routes previously belonging to Judah.

Assholes.

Obadiah was already pretty famous before he’d written prophecy one, making his presence here a bit of a celebrity coup for God. He'd made a name for himself as a high-ranking official in the household of King Ahab, who ruled Israel at the time. Ahab's wife Jezebel was—according to the annals of history—a bit of a ball-busting lunatic whore with a hate-on for God. She spent most of her free time getting her subjects to reject God and worship false idols instead, offering further incentives by killing absolutely everyone who didn't. Nice girl. Possibly some father issues there.

After she put out a hit on a hundred of God's prophets, Obadiah risked his own life by hiding them in a cave until Jezebel'd chilled out. The Bible isn't clear how the hell Obadiah managed to feed a hundred cave-dwelling prophets. My guess? Lunchables.

Evidently a talent scout was in the audience at the time, as Obadiah got sent up to the big leagues soon after. His first writing assignment? Write a scathing indictment of Edom's transgressions against the people of Judah while they were being attacked, pillaged and enslaved. The transgressions of the actual countries that, you know, attacked, pillaged and enslaved the people of Judah were, apparently, not worth God's time to bring up. Obadiah—an Edomite himself, according to the Bible (an inherently unbiased source)— took pen to papyrus condemning Edom for celebrating Judah's fall.

"We expect that sort of thing from the Cushites, Edom. But you? That's just—I am so disappointed in you right now. We want you to think long and hard about what you've done, and don't come out of your room 'till you're able to use your big people voice. Don't you give me that look, mister! I saw that!"


Next Page | Previous Page | BotB Home | JP.com Home