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Tip #5: Planning Ahead Once you have assigned priorities to your energy needs, you can begin to form an efficiency plan for your home. Your plan should provide you with a strategy for making smart purchases that maximize energy efficiency while saving money. Your plan should also be flexible enough to allow for setbacks, like a sudden midnight attack from the energy wasters in your house, sending the message that your energy-saving tactics would be welcome elsewhere. "Everyone in my family supports my energy efficiency plans," you say. But then, you haven't been knee-deep in it, have you? You don't know a damn thing, my friend. When you wake up in the middle of the night with all the lights in your bedroom needlessly turned on and your dog nailed to the wall, that's when you know who's on your side. That's a moment that focuses you, that kills off anything inside you that isn't dedicated to conserving energy. Save energy. At all costs. Also, check for holes or cracks around your walls, doors and windows for heat leaks. |
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Tip #6: Outsiders
For a price, a professional contractor will analyze your home's energy use and compare this figure against your utility bills. For a price. A good contractor will usually give you a list of recommendations for cost-effective energy improvements that should also enhance the comfort and safety of your home. If your contractor does not offer you this list, know immediately that he is not to be trusted. Somehow he has been brought to their side. Don't waste valuable energy worrying how they got to him; attack, quickly. Use diversionary tactics while you disengage small arms from their places of concealment on your body. Ask the contractor to calculate the return on your investment in high efficiency equipment versus standard equipment. The second he breaks eye contact, make orphans of his children. Leave the corpse in the room of your home where energy is wasted the most. As a message. Let them know they can't break you.
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Tip #7: Leaks Areas of your home that leak will cost you money and time. Attic entrances and furnace flues, for instance, can leak significant amounts of heat. Similarly, loose-lipped members of your family may leak far more than heat; they can leak information, revealing fundamental aspects of your energy-saving strategies before you even have a chance to strike. When securing your home against energy loss, always remember to check the walls first - because my friend, those walls have ears. Isolate leaks quickly. Duct tape baseboards and interior trim. Inspect high ceilings and attics for insulation gaps. Wait in the broom closet for your eldest son. When you hear him padding down the hall, leap, don't think. Putting a bag over his head to avoid him recognizing you and stabbing him a few times in the thigh should get the message across. Whisper in his ear: "We don't like leaks around here. Why don't you save some energy and keep your mouth shut? Additionally, caulk and weatherstrip any doors that might leak air. Tip #8: Fireplaces When the fireplace is not in use, keep the flue damper tightly closed. A chimney is designed to let smoke escape, meaning precious energy escapes all the time, right in front of your face. Taunting you. You can hear it escaping right now, can't you? It's eating you up inside. Listen. Listen to the energy leaving your home. Like energy is abandoning you, like you don't deserve it. You promised yourself a long time ago you would never be abandoned again. If you let it happen now, after all you've done, then I was wrong about you all along. |
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