Like many ambassadors from troubled Third World countries, you've no doubt been failed by the United Nations, burdened with national debt in a merciless globalized economy, and struggle to feed your starving, disenfranchized people on just pennies a day.

Bono's Third World Products, Inc. was started in early 2005, after Bono had visited struggling Third World nations. The poverty, famine and disease Bono saw made Bono weep. Bono vowed to be better than the UN — to offer affordable solutions to the impoverished with competitive shipping and handling fees.

That's why, in times of strife, when the developed nations of the world turn a blind eye to your hardships, let one word ring clarion like a bullet in the blue sky: BONO.


BONO ® BRAND
EMERGENCY FAMINE RELIEF KIT

Each kit comes with:

  • One (1) Irish potato
  • One (1) container dehydrated butter
  • One (1) package, iodized salt

BONO SAYS: "May own mum naivair cook'd thays good! May' nah mistayke — tha's one raight fahkin' bahnny Oirish pahtaytah!"

United Nations price:
$2000.00 per 5000 kits

Your price:
$599.99 per 5000 kits!

'FRIENDS OF BONO' ® SIGNATURE SERIES FAMINE RELIEF KITS

CHRIS MARTIN ® SIGNATURE SERIES

  • One (1) letter of apology signed by Chris Martin, apologizing for the world's problems
  • One (1) item from Chris Martin's kitchen (can of string beans, package of lasagna noodles, paprika, etc.)
  • One (1) tub Coldplay-brand vanilla ice cream (may melt during delivery)
  • Six (6) aromatherapy candles
  • One (1) gift basket of scented bath oils and soaps
  • One (1) copy, "What Color is Your Parachute?"

Your price: $699.99 per 5000 kits!

STING ® SIGNATURE SERIES

  • One (1) lightly tossed salad with baby greens, sunflower nut hummus, blackened tempeh croutons, wild lemon-infused avocado and Himalayan crystal salt, all lovingly dappled with mountain-grown apple cider vinegar
  • Three (3) garlic flax crackers baked in heat of unflinching Indonesian sun
  • One (1) kalama fig from India, brought to market on the back of 85-year-old burro
  • One (1) container, wild crafted honey (taken from free range bees not bred in captivity)
  • One (1) signed copy, "A Pilgrim's Synchronicity: Sting's Most Cherished Sexual Recipes"

Your price: $29,199.99 per 100 kits!

THOM YORKE ® SIGNATURE SERIES

  • One (1) copy, "The Waste Land" by T.S. Elliot
  • One (1) lemon to suck on
  • One (1) autographed 8x10 glossy of Thom Yorke

Your price: $999.99 per 4000 kits!

 


Limited Time Offer!
50 GALLON DRUMS OF
EXPIRED AMERICAN FOOD

Yer bloody right. Me an' the Edge have a warehouse fulla the stuff, an' it all MUST GO! Take yer pick of the whole lot. We got 500,000 gallons of rancid ham, past-prime tuna and other expired food products just sitting here rotting, when they could be helping feed underdeveloped nations. You owe it to yourself — you owe it to me and The Edge — to take advantage of these savings.


Non-expired price: $199.99 per 50 gallon drum
Your price: $19.99! You Save 90%
FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $2M!

 

BONO ® BRAND
EMERGENCY BLANKETS

Nothing swaddles a starving, AIDS-afflicted African child or shivering Serbian leper like the gentle caress of 100% high quality Guatemalan burlap. Sturdy, durable, yet surprisingly soft, it's as if Bono himself were cradling you in his arms, wiping away your tears and crooning something softly in your ears, as like the sound of angels.

Dry clean only.

$399.99 per 10,000 kits!

BONO ® BRAND DELUXE
REFUGEE CLOTHING LINE

From that shirt of his that looked like his muscles were on the outside to his signature wraparound sunglasses that even the Pope begged to try on, Bono has long been a trendsetter in the fashion world. His Refugee Clothing Line brings his couture savvy to even the most devastated of Third World nations. This sassy Guatemalan number transforms easily from casual day look to sexy evening wear. Just because you've lost everything, doesn't mean you need to lose your style.

Your price:
$599.99 per 5000 kits!

BONO ® BRAND DELUXE
6pc. LUGGAGE SET

When you need to evacuate your village quickly, but "all that you can't leave behind" is dragging you down...Why not flee in style with these deluxe carryalls?

Your price:
$2,999.99 per 70,000 sets!

BONO ® BRAND
EMERGENCY
DISASTER RELIEF KIT

Each kit comes with:

  • One (1) Irish potato
  • One (1) container dehydrated butter
  • One (1) package, iodized salt

Your price: $799.99 per 5000 kits!



Tired of debt collectors calling? Scrambling to make ends meet at the end of your fiscal year? Uncertain how you'll EVER get out of your deficit hole?

Worry no more! Bono's Third World Debt Management Program gets you back on track, with easy installment plans (as little as 6% of your Gross National Product per month!)

What's the catch? There isn't one! The worse and more hopeless your country is, the more Bono will help you! Why? Catholic guilt!


Your price:
$599,999.99
per 60,000 units!

BONO ® BRAND
MEDICINE FOR THE SOUL

"Bono desires only to solve the world's problems. Through the power of song."

-Bono

In their latest album, Bono leads U2 to soaring heights of musical achievement with How to dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Says Bono of the album: "There's an atomic bomb inside all of us. Perhaps it's a bomb of poverty, or a nuclear reactor of intolerance. Perhaps it's a warhead of cancer, or unattractiveness. No matter what your atomic bomb is, Bono vows to destroy it with his mind."

Won't you let Bono heal your country through the majesty of his soaring, reverb-enhanced vocals?

BONO ® BRAND
ADHESIVE BANDAGES

They said it couldn't be done! These revolutionary new bandages break medical boundaries in sterility and effectiveness. Every Bono ® Brand Adhesive Bandage has been personally touched by Bono himself, and is therefore suitable for ease from:

  • Arthritis
  • Influenza
  • Syphillis
  • Leprosy
  • Possessions

Your price: $799.99 per 5000 kits!

THE EDGE ™ PATENTED
REGENERATIVE CURE-ALL

Good for what ails you! Whether you suffer from hemophilia, the ague or AIDS, The Edge is confident that his 100% homemade remedy has the solution! This miracle tonic contains fish oil, lime and zinc, as well as undiluted Bono sweat, known in scientific circles for its curative properties.

Your price: $89.99 per bottle!

BONO ® BRAND
REPLICA CROSS

Just like the one Bono himself climbs up onto every day to atone for the world's sins! With every order of five crosses or more, get free Genuine Bono Stigmata: For the OTHER saints who walk among us.

Your price: $259.99 per cross!

 


  • Bono's Giant Novelty Checks — A celebrity visits your impoverished nation and wants to make a donation. Only problem: you've got nothing for them to show their generosity. With a healthy supply of these photogenically oversized checks, you can make sure that YOUR debt relief doesn't end up going to Senegal! BUY NOW
  • Media Masters Course (6 enhanced CDs) — Learn from the best about how to get global attention for your tiny, non-oil producing country. Includes sample press releases and Wolf Blitzer's home phone number. BUY NOW
  • Bono's Third World iPod — Now you can enjoy one of the most popular items of the western world, even without access to computers, mp3s, or even electricity! Take the music of U2 with you everywhere you go. Trade U2 songs for food like prisoners exchange cigarettes for anal sex! BUY NOW
  • Bono's "The Sweetest Thing Insta-Sundae" — You're 12 years old and you've just been macheted by a warring Zulu tribe. As you watch your life ebb slowly bleed into the arid ground, wouldn't you like to bid farewell to your too-short existence with a good taste in your mouth? Bono's Insta-Sundae is completely portable and mixes with water for a delicious taste sensation. Contents: One Potato. BUY NOW
  • Bono E-Z Fold Stage — When rock stars come calling, you better be ready. This convenient three-tier stage sets up in easy-to-assemble sections, perfect for those impromptu benefit concerts. People who purchased this item also purchased: Bono 'n' Friends Virtual Benefit Concert: Includes the complete CD libraries of U2, Bob Geldof, Coldplay, Quincy Jones and others! Buy now and recieve a free cardboard cutout of your favorite star! (Cutouts are picked from a random assortment. May contain Cyndi Lauper.) BUY NOW

Written by Jay Pinkerton, Karla Pacheco and Scott Mulder