My Dinner With Superman

April 1st, 1998 Posted in Scripts and Dialogues

6:48

ME: “Mmm, this steak is good. Are you enjoying your luke-warm water and bread soaked in curd whey, Mr. Reeve?”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “WHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEZE. It’s a little bland and tasteless. WHHEEEEEEZE.”

ME: “Now that is just a shame. Because this steak is fucking delicious. Look how thick it is. Here, take a bite.”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “WWWHHHHHHHEEEZE. No.”

ME: “Oh, come on. Just a nibble.”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “WHHHEEEZE. I can’t or I’ll die.”

[pause]

ME: “Oh. Oh, I thought you just liked curd whey.”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “No. WHHEEEZE. I hate curd whey. WHHHHEEEEZE.”

ME: “Oh.”

[pause]

ME: “Well, this steak is fucking delicious.”

7:15

ME: “I see we’ve had almost five-eighths of our luke-warm water. Somebody was hungry, wasn’t he? Ha ha ha.”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “I’m not. WHEEEEZE. A child. WWHHHEEEZE. You know.”

ME: “Mmm, yes. This conversation is fascinating. Well, what do you want to do now?”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “Actually. WHHHHEEEEEEEEEZE. I was hoping. WWWHHHEEEZE. To go to the bathroom.”

ME: “Yeah, you know what they say about luke warm water. Ya only rent it. Ha ha. Bathroom’s down the hall.”

[pause]

ME: [cough] “Bathroom’s down the hall.”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “Perhaps my wife didn’t explain. WHHHEEEZZE. I need you to lay me down on wax paper. WWHHHEEEEZE. And push out my stools for me.”

ME: “Oh.” [flustered] “Here— here on the table, then?”

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: “No. WWHHEEEEZE. In the bathroom.”

ME: “Oh.”

[pause]

ME: “I don’t think I have any wax paper, actually.”

7:37

ME: “Well. That was horrific.”

C.R.: “My personal support workers usually. WHHEEEZE. Are kind enough. WHHEEZE. Not to mention it.”

ME: “Ah. Yes.”

C.R.: “Like you have. WHHHEEEZE. For the past nineteen minutes.”

ME: “Yes. Well, I’m sorry. I don’t usually get that kind of view of everything. It’s usually read the paper, grunt grunt, flush, and I’m off for shopping. I mean, really, Chris — what’d you eat, like four Whoppers? You come over to a guy’s place, you could have a salad beforehand.”

C.R.: “You’re making this very awkward. WHHHEEEZE.”

ME: “Oh, I’m making this awkward. Yes, Chris, I made that little incident awkward. I just pushed seven pounds of shit out of your ass, Chris. I don’t think I was alone in making this awkward.”

C.R.: “Maybe I should just go. WHHHEEEZZE.”

ME: “Yeah, well, you owe me a new bedspread. Next time tell me to buy wax paper ahead of time before you start firing off kryptonite dumplings.”

C.R.: “Actually. WHHHHEEEZE. Superman was weak against —”

ME: “Are you still here?”