Lost in Translation

February 4th, 2004 Posted in Quick Bits

I recently got into a heated discussion with someone about the indie darling Oscar nominee Lost in Translation (they liked it, I didn’t). I thought it was sluggishly paced and poorly directed; they thought it was nuanced, textured and real. We agreed to disagree.

Afterwards, though, I tried to think about how I might have made it better. I think the results speak for themselves:

They’re
Extreme Tactical Weapons Force. The most elite branch of National
Security.

“You
ever gonna change, Murdock?”

They
break more rules before breakfast than most people make all day…

“A
scorpion can’t change its poison tail, Talia. You know I break more
rules before breakfast than most people make all day.”

“I
guess it’s a good damn thing I don’t play by any, then.”

Their
methods are dangerously extreme.

“Extreme
Tactical Weapons Force is out of control, sir! We have to pull them
in!”

“They’re
also the best damn Extreme Tactical Weapons
Force we’ve got. And you damn well know it.”

“Damn you
for being so damn right.”

But
when an elite corps of albino terrorists threaten to unleash biological
thought bombs on America…

“I
want one billion dollars in kruggerrands, or I’ll see to it that every
mind in America gets, shall we say… a very bad cold.”
[laughs]

“You’re
insane.”

“Am
I? Or is it that I’m so sane, I’m unleashing biological
thought bombs on America?”

BILL
MURRAY
IS
BLADE MURDOCK

“Don’t
insult me, Murdock. You’ll never make me talk.”

“No.
Maybe not, Vorkandac. Maybe not.”

“But I
think I’ve got a group of business suit ninjas here who can.”

“Bonzai,
mofo.”

SCARLETT
JOHANSSEN
IS
TALIA CHANCE

“Something’s
wrong. Murdock! That gasoline salesman! He was an albino! GET
DOWN!”

BOOM!

JEREMY
IRONS
IS
BENEDICT MATRIX

WILLEM
DAFOE
IS
FAST EDDIE

“Here’s
the deal, Benedict. I give you Murdock and Talia on a platter. You
give me the blueprints to your thought bombs.”

“What
a strange, sad, hot dog-scented little man you are.”

“Ha
ha ha! GUHHHHN FINGAS!“

With
WINONA RYDER
as “Patches”

“Get
down on the ground! There’s a warrant out for your arrest, Talia!
This is real! Don’t make me shoot you!”

“Damn
it, Patches. There’s a bomb in that Thanksgiving turkey. If
I don’t diffuse it, Murdock’s family will eat it, and explode.
I can’t let that happen. So if you’re gonna shoot… shoot.”