Life: The Motion Picture

March 30th, 1998 Posted in Articles

In
April of 1993, the production executives at 20th Century
Fox decided on a bold new strategy: they would make a
movie that absolutely everyone would want to see. The
film they would make would encapsulate the human experience
entire, and would hold resonance for every single person
in the world, regardless of the path their life had taken.
Their accounting department assured them that such a movie,
were it ever developed, could conceivably make all of
the money in the world. By June the project was greenlighted.

This
only left the problem of discovering the universal truths
of the human condition. They sent out feelers amongst
the philosophical community, all of whom presumed they
were kdding. One philosopher, smelling the opportunity
to make a buck, wrote back.

The
results of that correspondence:

–——–

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#1:

·
I’m born.
· Then I die.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
REVISIONS NEEDED

Committee
Notes: lacks zing. Committee is of the mind that proposal
does not encapsulate the "it" factor of the
human condition. While the committee recognizes the necessity
of following scientific method in researching the universal
laws that govern humanity, we would remind you that there
are investors to consider.

Recommendations
For Next Draft: committee feels more research should be
given to other universal qualities of the human experience.
Kenneth suggests commenting on the weather, which everyone
has. Looking forward to next draft.

———-

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#2:

·
I’m born.
· It’s too goddamn hot.
· It’s too fucking cold.
· Then I die.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
REVISIONS NEEDED

Committee
Notes: while the committee recognizes the universality
of damning God and fucking, respectively, we are of the
mind that the swearing could be toned down. Otherwise,
we feel that this is an excellent start. Brenda blueskied
some ideas regarding relationships. We suggest you add
a love interest.

Recommendations
For Next Draft: More on relationships. Less fucking and
damning of God.

———-

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#3:

·
I’m born.
· It’s hot, but I wouldn’t damn God for it.
· It’s cold, but not fucking cold.
· I sure like that person. I wonder if they like
me?
· Then I die.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
REVISIONS NEEDED

Committee
Notes: the committee feels you’re on the right track.
Just a little more retooling, and we’re confident you’ll
have nailed the universal quality of life.

Recommendations
For Next Draft: Maybe something about childhood? What
about Jesus? The committee realizes that not everyone
believes in Jesus, and wouldn’t dream of suggesting you
work him in somehow anyway, as this would compromise the
universality of your results. However, we need not remind
you that the majority of our investors are Christians.
See what you can do!

Plus,
could you make it a little sexier? We’d like to capture
the youth market.

———-

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#4:

·
I’m born.
· I’m young.
· It’s hot, but I wouldn’t damn God for it.
· It’s cold, but not fucking cold.
· I sure like that person. I wonder if they like
me and will let me have lots of sex with them?
· If the deity or deities of my choice were to
send His (Her/Their/Its) only son down to Earth, and he
got nailed to a tree, that would be great.
· I’m less young than I was.
· Then I die.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
REVISIONS NEEDED

Committee
Notes: the committee was confused at first, since we could
not find any explicit mention of Jesus. We think there
might have been some crossed wires. Could you please make
Jesus’ role here more explicit, while still of course
maintaining the universality of the human condition and
taking into account those who may not believe in Christ?

While
we’re on the topic, why not "I go to Heaven"
or something similar? It’s a good happy ending. Our investors
would love that.

Recommendations
For Next Draft: Roger and Marcy felt the whole "childhood
segueing into adulthood" aspect wasn’t really brought
out enough. Kenneth suggested that you might have made
this intentionally obscure so as to take into account
the deaths of children. We all found this a little depressing.
While we of course sympathize that you are trying to make
this as applicable to the universal human condition as
possible, could you please change your proposal so that
children do not die? Thanks.

Plus,
more sex. And swear more. We’re trying to capture the
youth market.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#5:

·
I’m born.
· It’s hot, but I wouldn’t damn God for it.
· It’s cold, but not fucking cold. But I do fuck.
I fuck all over the fucking place.
· I sure like that person. I wonder if they like
me and will let me fuck with them?
· If the deity or deities of my choice were to
send His (Her/Their/Its) only son down to Earth, and he
got nailed to a tree, that would be Jesus Christ.
· I’m less young than I was.
· Then I die. Of old age, because children don’t
die.
· My deity or deities of choice invite(s) me to
his/her/their/its Heaven eternal/purgatory/place of residence/other.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
REVISIONS NEEDED

Committee
Notes: alright, the committee roundtabled, and we think
we’ve nailed the problem.

Recommendations
For Next Draft: More sex. Less swearing (we’d like to
get PG-13). More Jesus. Could we throw in a fight scene?
And let’s get a twist ending.

———-

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#6:

·
I’m born.
· It’s hot, but I wouldn’t damn God for it.
· It’s cold, but not having-sex cold. But I do
have sex.
· I sure like that person. I wonder if they like
me and will let me sex with them?
· I sure like Jesus Christ, King of Kings.
· I’m less young than I was.
· I sure like that Jesus Christ.
· My spin kicks are flawless.
· I sure like that sex.
· Then I die. Of old age, because children don’t
die.
· My deity or deities of choice invite(s) me to
his/her/their/its Heaven eternal/purgatory/place of residence/other.
· I was actually dead by the fourth bullet point;
for all the other bullet points I was a ghost.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
REVISIONS NEEDED

Committee
Notes: the committee is beginning to worry that we’ve
lost the universality. Kenneth, for instance, tells me
that his spin kicks are less than flawless. Marcy is confident
that she is not a ghost.

Recommendations
For Next Draft: Can we trim it down a little?

———-

To:
20th Century Fox
From: Burt Pensel

Proposal
#7:

·
I’m born.
· Then I die.

———-

To:
Burt Pensel
From 20th Century Fox

Status:
APPROVED