Jurassic Pinkerton
Scene
6: After The Plane Crash
Amanda
Kirby: “Dr. Grant, now that we’re on the island, you have no
choice but to help us find our son Billy!”
Dr.
Grant: “I don’t have to do anything. You lied to get me here.
And now we’re probably going to die here.”
Paul
Kirby: “Wait! Did you hear something?”
Velociraptor:
[plunging out of brush] “SKREEEEEEE!”
Me:
“Sweet fucking Jesus!” [runs away]
Scene 12: First Contact
Paul
Kirby: [petting dinosaur] “It’s — it’s amazing.
And it’s an herbivore?”
Dr.
Grant: “That’s right, it’s harmless.” [looking ominously
around] “Not like everything else here.”
Me:
[stumbling through brush] “Agh! What the hell’s
that?”
Dr.
Grant: “Don’t worry, it’s harm—”
Me:
“Sweet fucking Jesus!” [beats dinosaur to death with
stick, runs away shrieking]
Scene 16: In The Birdcage
Dr.
Grant: “If we can just cross this dilapidated bridge through
this plunging chasm and not get killed by these pterodactyls circling
overhead, we’ll be fine.”
Me:
[crying softly]
Paul
Kirby: “I don’t like it — it’s TOO easy. What’s
the catch, Grant?”
Dr.
Grant: “The catch is the that the pterodactyls will probably
go after your son Billy. He’s smaller — they’ll pick him first.”
Amanda
Kirby: [dramatically] “Well, we’re not going to let
that happen.”
Dr.
Grant: “No we’re not. So here’s the plan — we form a human
shield around Billy and walk across the bridge agonizingly slowly.
It’s the only way.”
Amanda
Kirby: “So we’re agreed. Jay, you should take point. You —
Jay?”
Dr.
Grant: “Where’s Jay?”
Paul
Kirby: “Where’s Billy?”
Jay:
[sprinting across bridge, holding Billy up in front of me]
Billy:
“Mommmm!”
Jay:
“Shut up, you bastard! You’re only good for one swoop, then
they’ll come after ME!” [dramatically] “And I’m
not going to let that happen.”
Scene 22: King Of The Dinosaurs
T-Rex:
“GGGggggggggggGGGGGgggggggggGGGgggggggGGG…“
Dr.
Grant: “Okay. Everyone stay perfectly still, and—”
Jay:
“Sweet fucking Jesus!” [sprints away]
Scene 30: The Chasm
Dr.
Grant: “We’ve got to swing across the chasm! It’s our only
hope!”
Jay:
“I hate this! I hate you! I hate dinosaurs!”
Dr.
Grant: “Jay, pull yourself together! We’re almost to the coast,
and then we’ll be safe!”
Jay:
“Oh, bullshit! I only got one character development
scene in this entire movie, remember? And it showed me being sneaky
and evil!”
Dr.
Grant: “Yes, I remember — you were grifting. So?”
Jay:
“So that’s the kiss of death, you ass! Look at your character
development scenes: playing with a baby, donating food to orphans,
putting that puppy’s leg in a splint! You’re guaranteed to reach
the escape boat! I’m brontosaur bait!”
Dr.
Grant: “Actually, the brontosaur is a gentle—”
Jay:
“Shut your mouth before I fill it with leaves.”
Dr.
Grant: “Okay, fine. So you’re marked for death. What do you
suggest?”
Jay:
“Well, hear me out here.” [clubs Dr. Grant unconscious,
ties him to body as human shield] “Alright, where’s that
fucking boat?”