Jay’s Self-Deception Resolution Plan!

January 4th, 2005 Posted in Essays

I attribute my failure with past New Year’s resolutions to setting the bar unrealistically high for myself, in that they required me to change slightly. Lose weight. Quit smoking. Go jogging. Stop drinking. Every one of these self improvements, I realized, shared a common Achilles’ Heel: small amounts of restraint and effort on my part.

This year I’ve decided upon an improved resolution plan that plays to my strengths: willful ignorance. Every resolution listed here clusters around the noble aim of large-scale self-deception.

Stop feeling bad about your failure, America: ignore it, with the Jay Pinkerton Self-Deception Resolution Plan!

Weight Loss

Old Resolution: Exercise and Eat Better

New and Improved Resolution 2.0: Buy Slimming Clothes, Grow Facial Hair

After my backslide last year in losing weight, I eventually grew a goatee in an attempt to hide my ever-growing number of chins. This strategy was both devious and self-deceptive—twin cornerstones of this year’s resolution philosophy. This year I’ve kicked it up a notch to Fat Alert Red, resolving to combat my expanding waist line through dark, loose-fitting clothing and the addition of a full, Kevin Smithesque beard.

Following this facial hair weight loss strategy to its logical conclusion, I’ve already taken steps to next year’s resolutions, when I will have to become the Wolfman. I walk around wooded parks during full moons now. I’ve been mugged twice and raped once, but so far not bitten by a werewolf. Next month I’ll start putting raw steak in my jacket pockets, which should result in either a werewolf bite or, a low probability, getting mugged and raped by dogs.

Smoking & Drinking

Old Resolution: Quit Smoking and Drinking

New and Improved Resolution 2.0: Buy Light Cigarettes and Beer

“Light” cigarettes have tiny pinholes on the filters; when tested on smoking machines, smoke escapes through the pinholes, slightly reducing nicotine and tar levels. Tobacco companies can then market their product as healthier, neglecting to mention that smoking machines don’t have lips, which cover all the tiny pinholes.

Beer companies point to the low carbs of their light beers as evidence of their dietary value, neglecting to mention that the one ingredient in beer that can’t be removed—alcohol—is also the most fattening (alcohol has seven calories per gram, nearly twice as fattening as carbs). Also, human bodies recognize alcohol as a toxin, forcing the body to drop everything else—like burning fat—to eliminate it.

Two of my resolutions, therefore, will be to promptly forget both of these facts.

Resolution 2.0 Supplementary: Read Less

See above conclusion.

Becoming a Better Person

Old Resolution: Be Nicer, Reduce Stress

New and Improved Resolution 2.0: Buy Light Cigarettes and Beer

Comprehensively altering a life philosophy is a complex, lengthy and most importantly difficult process. Getting drunk and smoking cigarettes, conversely, is effortless, and the flood of alcohol and nicotine into the bloodstream tends to feel enough like happiness that for 2005, I’ve decided to stop mincing hairs. Psychologists and titans of medicine might argue that true happiness doesn’t result in liver damage, lung cancer and runny beer shits. To them I would retort: “Toot toot! I’m drunk! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Woo!”

Troubleshooting Guide: Backsliding

Therein lies the beauty of my new regimen. It’s flexible enough to make even the most upsetting backslide seem like a soaring victory clutched from the toothsome maw of defeat. Observe:

Old Resolution
Break down by January 14th and order a pizza. Tastes like ashes in mouth. Recriminination and unpleasantness to follow.

New and Improved Resolution 2.0
Extra cheese is offered, and refused, while ordering pizza. Personal inner strength guides my hand in insisting on the regular allotment of cheese.

Old Resolution
“I’ll have the double cheeseburger. Extra shame. Extra bacon too.”

New and Improved Resolution 2.0
“I’ll have the double cheeseburger. And a DIET soda, please!”

Sign Up Today!

If you order Jay’s Self-Deception Resolution Plan today, you will receive:

• Six-pack, Miller Light
• Carton, Marlboro Lights
• Selection of loose-fitting dark-colored shirts
• Beard-trimming kit
• Steak-filled jacket, wolf-call

Order now!