I Will Master The Sousaphone With My ‘Just Watch Me’ Attitude
Sometime last year, enough evidence had been brought to my attention to allow me to safely conclude that Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit lead singer and human “fuck”-yelling machine, was an idiot. It wasn’t any one piece of news that tipped the scales, so much as an overall tapestry woven from various newsbites that proved, conclusively, that Fred Durst was not an intelligent man by any means.
And so I respectfully salute him—because, after all the votes have been tabulated and his profound and total idiocy assured, the pudgy red-hatted lump still takes the time to offer up fresh exhibits for consideration. He certainly doesn’t have to. Is anyone still in doubt? Is there a single soul out there who could safely say, “I can give Fred Durst a pair of scissors and leave the room for ten minutes without a tragic accident to follow”? Of course not. Yet there he is, topping up the pile of evidence against him on a daily basis, the helpful little mouth-breather.
I read this article today over at MTV.com. I’ve excerpted the bit I found the most amusing:
“A year ago, Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland left, and after a nationwide search for a replacement proved fruitless, the multifaceted frontman did what would be expected of someone with Durst’s ‘just watch me’ attitude: he learned to play the instrument himself.”
The headline for this article, by the way: “Durst Takes ‘Less is More’ Approach”. Well, I should certainly think so. I wouldn’t call rap-metal versions of “Bah Bah Black Sheep” and “Froggie Came A’ Courtin’” examples of a ‘More is More’ approach. Honestly, does this man’s ego have any bounds at all? He’s barely a competent singer, and he’s been hacking away at that for ten years now—what on Earth makes him think he can master a musical instrument in a year’s time?
Pick up a flute, right now. Blow on it and work your fingers over the holes. What does it sound like? Garbage? Most likely. To properly learn how to play an instrument, you need to invest years of practice. I’m not suggesting that ex-Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland was some kind of virtuoso genius. But certainly he was a competent guitar player with fifteen years of experience with his instrument. Playing guitar, despite what some might think, is actually something of a skill. Your fingers have to go on the right frets and everything. It takes more than a ‘just watch me’ attitude to play guitar—it also, oddly enough, takes years of practice at learning how to play the guitar.
What bothers me most about this article is the suggestion that a one-year’s-worth-of-experience Fred Durst is somehow the superior option here. As the article states: “A nationwide search for a replacement proved fruitless.” Limp Bizkit auditioned the finest guitar players in North America and turned them all down, for what rationale I can’t even begin to imagine. Then having done that, Fred Durst enlists himself, with no guitar experience, at the helm instead. Who the hell were they auditioning? Were there people trying out with negative years experience on the guitar? How bad does a guitarist have to be that you choose a guitar player with zero years experience at playing the guitar? “Well, he was certainly better than all those guys with -19 years experience.”
Bah. The only bright side to all of this is, of course, the inevitable fruit of this new musical direction. I, for one, wait avidly for what promises to be a veritable train wreck of an album. Stay tuned!