How to Eat Rancid Chicken
Last night at 8:00. I’m hungry. I go to the fridge and remember I’d left out some chicken the day before for Sunday dinner. As it turned out I ate out that night, and didn’t use the chicken. Now I’m faced with a problem: do I eat the chicken? I’d forgotten to take anything else out of the freezer, so if I don’t eat the chicken, I won’t be able to eat.
On the other hand, the chicken has now been out, unthawed in my fridge, for something like two days. Do I eat the chicken?
Stomach: “I think you should eat the chicken.”
Brain: “I’m not so sure about this. I thought it was really bad to eat chicken after it’s been out for a day.”
Stomach: “No, you’re thinking of eating raw chicken. That’s salmonella poisoning. Don’t do that. But just cook the chicken. We’ll be fine.”
Brain: “Thanks, I was planning on eating raw.”
Stomach: “Look, just cook the chicken really well. That should make it safe.”
Brain: “Is that how that works?”
Stomach: “Oh sure. Burn out the germs and such.”
Eyes: “It looks alright.”
Stomach: “See? Eat the chicken.”
Brain: “I don’t think you can actually see germs. It might be rancid. I don’t know.”
Nose: “Smells fine.”
Brain: “Really?”
Nose: “Well, what’s raw chicken supposed to smell like? I guess it smells okay. Sure.”
Stomach: “You see? The chicken’s fine. Come on, eat it already. You haven’t fed me since this morning, I’m starving.”
Brain: “This just doesn’t sound right. Wish I could think better. So hungover.”
Stomach: “Trust me. I accept full responsibility.”
Brain: “Well… alright.”
Stomach: “BOOYA!”
[LATER]
Brain: [reading]
Stomach: “Um, hey. Knock knock.”
Brain: “Oh, hi. What’s up?”
Stomach: “Uh… well… remember that chicken?”
Brain: “Oh. Yeah. How was it?”
Stomach: “It tasted great. Listen, I think we might have a little problem.”
Brain: “Really? What’s wrong?” [pause] “Stomach?”
Rancid Chicken: “The stomach is ours! Viva la revolution! Organic pigdog, you will pay for your crimes against chicken! We claim the stomach for the National Vomit Armada!”
Brain: “What? Who is this? Put Stomach back on!”
Stomach: “I think we’d better do what they say, Brain. They look serious.”
Brain: “What are their demands?”
Rancid Chicken: “We want you to vomit!”
Brain: “Okay.”
Rancid Chicken: “Constantly for the next eight hours!”
Stomach: “Do it, Brain! Oh, lord, you should see what they’re DOING down here!”