How My Brain Works

October 29th, 2004 Posted in 2004

So I was chatting last night with someone I got to know from her reading my blog, because — I won’t lie to you — I’m an insecure compliment whore. The only thing I love more than the sound of my own voice, really, is the sound of other voices telling me how great the sound of my own voice is. Chatting with people who read things I write allows me to circle endlessly in on my favorite subject — me — without getting beat up a lot.

“So… would you say every word that comes out of my mouth is genius?” I asked. “Be honest with your praise.”

“Sure, whatever,” she said.

“That’s what I think too,” I agreed. “Sometimes it’s hard topping myself with every one of my blog posts. And yet somehow I always do. I’d be frightened by it if I wasn’t so talented.”

“Uh huh,” she said.

“So can you send me pictures of your breasts?” I asked, changing the subject.

The connection must have been bad or something, because she ignored this. Instead, she asked me if I ever visit the websites of the people who post in my comments section. The question baffled me.

“How could I read my own stuff if I went to another page?” I posed. “Do you mean to say they cut and paste my articles into their blogs, and I could read them in front of an exciting new internet backdrop?”

Apparently this isn’t what she meant at all. Apparently some of you guys actually have websites of your own, and apparently many of them are hilarious. I doubt this, of course — the idea that others could be similarly blessed with my talents seems to refute the very laws of biology. But I played along for the time being.

She mentioned one article by one of you in particular that she enjoyed—something about a freezie pop, and sucking on it, and showing pictures of sucking on it, and something about using the freezie pop as a metaphor for cock sucking. Or something. “It was hilarious,” she assured me.

“It must be hard for you to tell me all this while not sending me pictures of your breasts,” I said, endlessly refreshing my inbox. At this point we must have been cut off, because I got a dialtone.

Anyway. Any of you chuckleheads recognize this article as your own? Got something funnier than the article described that you’d like me to read? Post in the comments below. I’m always looking for fresh funny voices to showcase on the Lampoon. And in the absence of these fresh funny voices, I’d even be grudgingly willing to settle for yours.