Halle Berry as Catwoman
The long-in-production Catwoman movie seems to have finally gotten out of production hell, and looks to begin principal photography soon.
Eagerly anticipating the film had been my penis, say insiders. According to my penis, Michelle Pfeiffer’s catsuited turn in Batman Returns was “awesome,” and “made stuff come out of me.”
My penis had therefore been looking forward to the new Catwoman film immensely, especially after it was rumored that the totally smoking Ashley Judd was rumored to be in the lead role. My penis tried its best to hide its disappointment when Judd was taken off the project.
Luckily, erections sprung anew at the news that the also pretty sexy Nicole Kidman might take on the role, followed by fantasies of what Kidman might look like in the catsuit. Enthusiasm flagged slightly when it was reported that Halle Berry would in fact be playing Catwoman, since as of press time my penis doesn’t actually find Halle Berry all that attractive.
“She’s hot and all,” admitted my penis at a press conference at the time. “She’s just not, like, Ashley Judd hot. She’s actually kinda boney, to be honest.”
Nonetheless, my penis put on a brave face and hoped for the best.
My penis’s hopes were dashed today, when pictures of Halle Berry in costume were finally released to the public:
According to my penis, the costume looks “absolutely fucking ridiculous.” Compared to Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman, which ranked a solid 8 out of 10 on my penis’s Sex Scale, Berry as Catwoman ranks a meager 2 out of 10, given that it’s hard to get aroused when you’re too busy pointing and laughing hysterically at how retarded the costume looks.
My penis refused to talk to reporters today, stating only that it felt “distraught and betrayed.” While my penis realizes that its arousal or non-arousal was not the main reason for making the film, it responded that it should have been, because then it wouldn’t have sucked as bad as it now looks like it will.
Talk has surfaced of avoiding the film entirely, and ruthlessly mocking those who do see it. Whether the film will manage to avoid this fate is as yet undetermined.