Funniest Moments in Sitcom History 2

April 1st, 1998 Posted in Scripts and Dialogues

[Opening
credits close. Dick Clarke enters through curtain, skips out to
centre stage to raucous applause]

DC:
“Hello, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to another unforgetable
episode of “Funniest Moments in Sitcom History”! As always,
I am your host … Dick Clarke!”

[audience
applause]

“And,
due both to an unbreakable ten year contract with NBC, and the relentless
evil of Satan forcing his will upon myself and the rest of mankind,
may I grudgingly present my partner … two hundred and sixty
pounds of shit in a bag!”

[pause]

“Who
you might also know as Ed McMahon!”

EM:
[off-stage] “Hey-OHHHH!” [sound of brisk jogging,
interrupted by loud tripping noise, clattering] “Son of
a…” [sounds of more clattering] “Get it off!
Get the chair off my leg!” [sound of soft crying, followed
by sounds of several pairs of feet running towards crying noise,
sounds of pulling and grunting] “Ahh! Oh, Jesus! Ahhhh!
Chair!”

[cut
back to Dick Clarke with pained grin on face. Ed McMahon limps gamely
out to centre stage]

EM:
“Ha ha! There’s more chair backstage … than there used
to be. Whooo.” [rubbing knee] “Maybe the …
maybe the chairs backstage had …” [cough] “Had
BABIES, Dick. Ha ha ha. Maybe they … had babies.”

[pause]

DC:
“Was that a joke?”

EM:
“Yes.”

DC:
“How could you get this far in … were you fellating Carson?”

EM:
“That’s hardly fair, Dick. You know…”

DC:
“No, it’s a simple question, and I’m dead serious.”

EM:
“No, I never fellated Carson.”

DC:
“Did he ever fellate you?”

EM:
“Yes.”

[pause;
both notice audience]

DC:
“Folks, welcome back to another comedy-packed show! Tonight
we’ll show you all the classic bits you’ve been clamoring to see,
clawing frantically at one another just to capture the merest glimpse
of, gouging skin, drawing blood, all in a frantic mindless death
rage to see these clips! And we’re going to show them to you!”

EM:
“Hey-OHHHH!”

DC:
“How about THESE classics? Like the classic episode of ‘Cheers,’
where one of Carla Tortelli’s dangerously sagging breasts finally
goes rogue, snapping its bra strap and jackknifing into Norm’s eye?
How about episode R-223 of ‘Diff’rent Strokes,’ where everyone unanimously
agrees to despise Gary Coleman? Or episode 466 of ‘Golden Girls,’
where, mid-scene, and to the horrified confusion of crew and audience
alike, bats fly out of Blanche’s vagina?”

EM:
“Shocking and even disturbing!”

DC:
“You said it, Ed! And don’t forget funny with a capital F!”

EM:
“Funnier than THAT, Dick! Funny with a capital T! Ha ha ha!”

[pause]

DC:
“I—”

EM:
“I’M NOT HIGH!”

[pause]

DC:
[making conscious decision to ignore Ed] “But first,
let’s take a trip down Memory Lane, to episode 4FF-T of ‘Designing
Women.’ I’m sure you’ll all remember this classic episode! And if
you don’t, you will in a few minutes!”

EM:
“Unless you have an exceptionally bad memory!”

DC:
“Or you’re a retard like Ed!”

EM:
“Ha ha ha! That’s right!”

DC:
“It’s … you’re not even paying attention…”

[cut
to ‘Designing Women’ episode]

DC:
[voice over] “In this now classic blooper reel, Annie
Pott’s character admits to taking some of the group’s business capital
to buy a new dress … for a blind date! The scene is already
rampant with hilarity, but it gets even FUNNIER when things
don’t go as planned. Let’s watch!”

Annie
Potts: “Well, listen, everybody … I have a confession
to make.”

The
Fat One: [eating ham] “Oh, honey, what is it? You can
tell us!”

The
Brittle Man-like One: “That’s true. We’ve been friends forever,
and we’ll BE friends for ever, or my hands aren’t suspiciously large.”

The
Forgettable Blonde One: [unintelligible]

DC:
[voice over] “Wait for it— Waaaait for it…”

Annie
Potts: “Oh, girls, you’re right. Our friendship IS worth
more than a silly ol’ secret anyway. Alright, you remember how I
had that blind date last night?”

The
Brittle Man-like One: “As clearly as my protruding Adam’s apple!”

The
Fat One: [guzzling Texas mickey of solidified beef gravy] “How’d
it go?”

DC:
[voice over] “Here it comes. Watch Annie’s face closely
on this blooper…”

Annie
Potts: “Oh, it went well.” [shamed] “But I
suppose I should tell you WHY it went well.”

[large
baseball-sized clot of diarhhea falls out the bottom of Annie’s
skirt, splatting to the hardwood floor between her legs]

Annie
Potts: “Oh. I. Ha ha ha! I can’t believe I…” [cupping
mouth with hands, shaking with laughter] “Is that mine?
Ohhhh, lord! Ha ha ha!”

[audience
and cast burst into laughter]

DC:
[voice over] “Now that the ‘crap’s’ out of the bag,
no one can contain themselves, they’re laughing so hard! And you
know what they say about bloopers … once the ball’s rolling…!”

Brittle
Man-like One: “Ha ha ha! Ohhhhh God! Oh! Ha ha ha!”

Annie
Potts: [laughing uncontrollably] “I’m sorry! Ah ha ha
ha! I … I’ve ruined the ha ha ha!”

[penis
flops out of Brittle Man-Like One’s skirt; audience laughter]

Brittle
Man-like One: “Ah ha ha! Look what you made me do! Laughing
so hard! Ha ha!”

Fat
One: “Ha ha ha! You all are CRAZY!”

[blood
shoots out of Fat One’s eyes in two long steady streams of gore;
audience laughter]

Fat
One: “My eyes! My eyes!”

Forgettable
Blonde One: “Ha ha ha! Ohhhh, Mercy.” [talking to someone
off camera] “Can we do this again? Should we… what? Oh,
we’re going to mop up the blood and feces first? Oh, okay. I just
… no, it’s fine.”

[heard
off camera] “Ten minutes, everyone!”

[cut
back to centre stage. Dick Clarke sits in comfortable director’s
chair. Ed McMahon is noticeably absent]

DC:
“Ha ha ha! Wasn’t that an absolute GEM? I thought so.
Up next is a new segment for the show, where…”

EM:
[trundling out from behind curtain with white powder caked around
rim of nose] “Ugh. Heyy… oohh…”

DC:
“Nice of you to join us, Ed.”

EM:
“Get off my back, alright, Clarke? I will make widows of your
children.”

DC:
“I … what?”

EM:
“Mayyy-ohhhhm!”

DC:
“Your face is bright purple. Are you…”

EM:
“No, I’m fine. Don’t worry, I…”

DC:
“Are you sure? You look horrible, Ed.”

EM:
[sitting down in adjacent chair] “No, really. Fine.
Let’s do this motherfucker.” [noticing urine stain on pants;
trying to rub it out with saliva-coated thumb]

DC:
[turning to audience] “For our next segment, Ed and
I have decided to try something a little different, and give you
a little rapid-fire back-and-forth of our favourite moments over
the many decades of classic moments in sitcom history. Isn’t that
right, Ed?”

EM:
“I … yes. That’s right.”

DC:
“And even though some of us don’t show up for rehearsal, some
of us certainly do. Some of us even bother to take the time to come
up with new innovative segments for the show, while others of us
choose to sit backstage in a sweaty downward spiral, vacuuming up
veritable truckloads of the white lady. Some of us, consequently,
are prepared for the next segment, while others of us are Ed McMahon.”

EM:
[confused] “That’s … right, Ed.”

DC:
“And now, may we present…” [music cues] “Dick
and Ed look back at Fifty Years of Sitcom Gold! Ed, why don’t you
start?”

EM:
[frantically] “NO!”

DC:
“Okay, why don’t I start, then.” [behind DC, viewscreen
shows picture of Alan Alda] “Now, no retrospective would
be complete without mentioning M*A*S*H, easily one of the most influential
and moving sitcoms in history. Many don’t know that M*A*S*H the
show actually lasted longer than the Korean War itself! Ha ha! But
we certainly didn’t mind, as we tuned in each and every week to
laugh, love and cry with Hawkeye, Big Ass Hallihan and Klinger.
Ed?”

EM:
“Uh. I love … it when TV … is on… and then…”
[picture of John Ritter shows on viewsceen behind Ed] “And
… and then this guy showed up … and that was… GOOD—
but … never touched her, I never … HE had his hands all
over her, and I … just one more fix, I promise, end of the
week,
you’ll … I can’t even … red smarties … blue diamonds
… yellowleaf clover … don’t you steal my Lucky Charms,
Ed McMahon, but … why can’t I just come once, it won’t even
… like the TV when it buzzes and … good.”

[pause]

“Dick?”

DC:
“We all remember a loveable lout who called the world Meathead
and meant it…” [picture of Carol Carolyn] “Archie
Bunker was a filthy-mouthed racist ass. And white people loved him
and thought it was funny when he bit a cigar and hated blacks and
jews. Blacks naturally hated him, as did the mysterious Chinese.
But whites loved him. And he hated the Chinese. And liked meatheads.
So whites hate the Chinese. Ed?”

EM:
“Watch my erection!” [picture of Belki and Cousin Larry
show up on viewscreen behind EM] “Watch it!”

[five
minutes of dead silence]

“There!
Did you see?”

DC:
“We’re going to have to cut for commercial break. When we come
back: Mona hits menopause with the resounding force of an airline
crash on ‘Who’s The Boss?’ Plus, never-before-seen footage of a
post ‘Wonder Years’ Fred Savage being belittled mercilessly by a
crudely drawn smiling man with a talking phallus! All this and Ed’s
erection when we return to… Funniest Moments in Sitcom History!”

[cut
to commercial]