Deathmatchin’! (Pt.1)
After about four years off from gaming, I decided to get back into it in a big way today. I’ve got a nice PC now, and a decent net connection—there’s simply no reason I shouldn’t be enjoying the joys of diffusing bombs and blowing tangerine-sized holes in people online.
After work I popped by EB and picked up Prince of Persia (for dicking-around gaming) and Half-Life Generations, which comes with the original Half-Life, Opposing Force, Counter-Strike and Blue Shift. I figure it’s been four years since I fucked people up online, so I’d best get my mad FPS skillz in shape before I tackle Unreal Tournament or Half-Life 2.
When I get home I crack open a beer and dick around with Prince of Persia for a bit. I do sweet backflips off guys and then slice them in the face with a sword, and run along walls like a super-ninja for a while. Impressed with the game, I decide to come back to it later and get down to the real order of business: getting on a server and blowing the dust off my deathmatching tricks before trying out Counter-Strike.
I start simple with the original Half-Life. My reasoning here is it’s an old game, so I can probably hunt up a few simple deathmatch servers in which to completely embarrass myself before moving onto the real deal with CS and some of the popular mods.
When I boot up multiplayer I get this:
Fair enough. I sort of expected a six year old game right out of the box might not have kept pace with online play, so I click the option to check Sierra.com for the latest updates.
Within seconds I’m told I have the latest version: 1.1.0.8. I click on multiplayer again and get this message:
This goes around and around about five more times before I face the harsh truth that, whatever Sierra’s pop-up window is telling me, I’m not getting the latest version. Wily like the Internet fox, I google the words “Half-Life Executable is out of date”. The first search response is from a place called File Planet, which seems to have exactly what I’m looking for: Version 1.1.1.0.
When I try to download it I am told that for only $6.95 a month I will be able to download files from File Planet as much as I want! But until I do that, I’m not getting shit. Given that the “files” File Planet is in the business of sharing are exclusively patches to games, and that the games wouldn’t need patches if they worked properly in the first place, I feel more than a little bitter at the idea of paying additional money to download a file that makes the game I just paid $35 for actually fucking work. It’s like ordering a plate of spaghetti from a restaurant and then having them try to charge you another two bucks for a fork.
I return to google and try a few other sites, all of which helpfully reroute me to File Planet. Apparently File Planet is the only place in the world with this file–though ten thousand sites have been built up around the sole purpose of helpfully redirecting me to it so I can be asked for free money. Webmasters have too much time on their hands, this much is clear.
Eventually I think “Fuck this.” I bought the game from Sierra, I know precisely what patch I need to make the game work (1.1.1.0), so I’ll just go over to sierra.com personally and either a) get the goddamn patch that actually makes their goddamn game goddamn work or b) beat them to death with the game developer’s soft baby.
Eventually I find the Galf-Life Support page and, sure enough, there’s patch 1.1.1.0 in bold font as the first thing I see:
Evidently the latest patch is kept protected from any software Sierra produces that might try to download it. This makes sense, as the last thing Sierra needs is the bad press you’d get from millions of people actually getting their games to work properly. But whatever—at this point I’m 40 minutes in and have yet to rack up a single frag. At least I have the thing now, and I don’t have to pay $6.95 for it. I download the exec and install it.
It searches, then says this:
In other words: “No need to update, friend! You’ve already got 1.1.0.8, our latest patch!”
No. I don’t have your latest patch. You gangrenous fucking cock-monkeys.
So. Sierra has a link to a 1.1.1.0 patch available at their site, which refuses to load because—get this—”You already have 1.1.0.8, you silly goose!”
Alternatively, File Planet has the 1.1.1.0 patch, at the low low price of more money for a game I just bought that doesn’t work.
Now I remember why I switched to consoles.