Dear Parents…

September 15th, 2005 Posted in Essays

If you are reading this letter, you were in the audience the afternoon of August 7th for my all-hamster production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. This letter should be seen as a big “Thank you!” for your attendance and support. It also serves double duty as an official apology, constituting one stipulation of my five-year sentence and rehabilitation as a consequence of my all-hamster production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

Before I say anything else, I would like to congratulate you on your exceptional parenting. Your passion towards unveiling the majesty of the bard to your child (age 5-11) — interpreted, in this case, by rodents in period costume — should be commended, illustrating what I am convinced is an unshakable commitment to development and breeding. That the show was interrupted by police officers before its conclusion — due, you may recall, to the ridiculous overreaction and subsequent 911 call of a certain father and mother I could mention, Shaun and Samantha Gladstone — should not deter you from congratulating yourselves on selecting an (overall) enriching and gunfire-free entertainment for the whole family. It is my sincere hope that your child(ren) will one day see Hamlet in its entirety, without the distraction of a firefight with the police in the middle of the fifth act.

Re: My Relative Inexperience with Hamster Plays

An all-hamster production of Hamlet would be a daunting proposition to a seasoned veteran of the stage — that I possess no formal theater training whatsoever should therefore be taken into account. Similarly, my having never read Hamlet prior to the morning of the ill-fated production should, to my thinking, cast me in a sympathetic light for those of you with charity in your hearts.

If I could do it all over again, alas. Would I have chosen a different venue than the children’s wing of a public library? Perhaps.

Would I have notified the library staff of the production in advance? Given their strict no pets policy, this is difficult to say, but probably no.

Would I have rehearsed the production ahead of time? A big yes to this, and cause for apology. At the time I had assumed lettuce leaves on a folding card table would be adequate motivation for my period-dress hamster cast to hit their marks. Only midway through the first act did I realize, along with you the audience, what a curious and short attention-spanned creature a hamster actually is.

Re: My Stapling of Several of the More Fidgety Hamsters to the Folding Card Table

I can do nothing but apologize. With the benefit of hindsight, drugging the hamsters beforehand would have presented a far less graphic solution to the problem. Had I known my rodent actors would prove so troublesome, I would have most definitely given them the majority of the Percocets and rum set aside for my private use throughout the show.

Given the poor reaction of certain members of the audience (Shaun and Samantha Gladstone) to the hamster-stapling, I should also apologize for misjudging the tastes of my audience with regards to the drowning of Ophelia. Yes, a hamster will not fit in a Dixie cup. And yes, I know this now.

If blame can be placed anywhere for this unfortunate incident, I hope you agree that Innocent Misunderstanding would be the culprit. You the audience, I now realize, only abstained from visible outrage at the time because you believed I possessed a hamster able to hold its breath underwater. Whereas from my perspective, hamsters are fairly inexpensive and easy to obtain.

Re: Throwing Hamsters at the Library Wall in Act Five

Perhaps the less said of this the better. In my opinion, the local newspapers have already said more than enough. Evidently the majority of Glendale is unaware that Hamlet is a tragedy. Perhaps if certain parties (Shaun and Samantha Gladstone) could have taken the time in advance to research the play’s ending, my actions wouldn’t have seemed so shocking.

Re: The Shootout with the Police

I think I am sorry most of all, given everything that transpired, that events escalated so quickly. In truth, I was too engrossed in my performance to hear the police, whose suggestion that I put my hands on my head and step away from the hamsters I mistook for audience chatter, and chose to ignore.

In a similar vein, the firefight: I accept partial responsibility. I would remind you, however, that the police did start it — being the first to draw their weapons, and thus giving them the lion’s share of the blame. However, I admit I am guilty myself of not taking the moral high ground. It is my curse, perhaps, that I am highly competitive.

Re: The Taking of Child Hostages

I find myself at a loss to properly explain my motivations behind the taking of child hostages. In my defense, I will say that when one finds oneself dodging police fire behind an upturned card table, the options available could best be described as limited.

In conclusion, it is my sincere hope that this presentation of the facts will allow you and your child(ren) to judge me with more kindness than history or the Glendale Herald. Once again returning to the fact that hamsters are fairly inexpensive and easy to obtain, I put forward that, at worst, my actions the day of August 7th cost the community around $16, $36 if you include the card table. Is this too dear a price for awakening a love of all-rodent amateur theater in your child?

The answer, I hope, you will find in your hearts.

Yours in Charity,

Jay Pinkerton
Glendale Correctional Institute