Commercials That Try Too Hard
So Karla and I were travelling this weekend to another dimension, a world of sight and sound, for Scifi’s Twilight Zone marathon. On the commercial break we saw a commercial for the As Seen On TV! product URINEGONE! Oh my!
“Landsakes! What a fantastic product!” you’re probably thinking. “How does it work?” you add, ripping off your bib in excitement. Well, like this: UrineGone is a one-two punch on cum puddles in the form of a blacklight, which helps you identify pools of urine and semen safely in the dark; and a handy disinfectant, which you can shoot at the pool until it’s sterile (with enzyme action).
“Look how much more urine it picks up than the leading urine remover!” an announcer’s voice trumpets, bursting with pride, while a hand dumps out several test tubes of liquid and sprays it with the disinfectant.
I found myself marvelling at what sort of environment you’d have to live in to be enticed by a commercial for two liters of semen/urine solvent. (Because aren’t you tired of throwing money away with the 500ml bottles?) Karla trumped this thought with the observation that there are evidently leading semen and urine solvents, which logically skips to the unpleasantly surprising conclusion that there are scores of inferior, no-name blacklight/urine spray combos on the market right now.
Really, now. Doesn’t this reek a bit of desperation? (I hope that’s desperation.) It’s one thing to have a niche product that fulfills an unpleasant need—in this case, urine and semen solvent (though some manner of clapper-operated poop spigot would work just as well, if that helps). Are the sorts of people in the market for identifying and sterilizing large puddles of cum and piss really giving a shit if they’ve bought the leading brand? More importantly: Is there enough of a need for this product that rival companies are feuding over the cash cow? Is UrineGone the Pepsi in a Coke/Pepsi price war?
No, at a guess. I think the announcer just ran out of things to say. To be fair, it’s probably hard to fill up a minute gushing about pee bleach.